Feeling vunerable

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I'm not sure what I need from this but writing it out may help.

I feel terribly alone and slightly suicidal. It's really difficult because I'm the kind of person that's always smiling even at my worst and I only ever really reach out when I'm at the end of the line and it's getting that way and I don't know what to do or say to the people I'm supposed to reach out to (I.e CMHT, Perinatal team). I normally see someone every week but I called everyone last week to cancel, saying I had a chest infection (which I do, but it was really because I couldn't face seeing anyone) I know my support worker is coming to see me tomorrow possibly with this new CPN and I know I'm supposed to be honest but it's extra difficult cause of this new CPN who's meeting me for the first time (That's if she comes).
I'm not really sleeping, I'm up throughout the night with this 'doomed' feeling, I keep crying. I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and I'm supposed to make all these decisions like the perinatal team want me to take some more medication but I'm hesitant because of side effects, but at the same time they are saying this is why I'm depressed because I'm not on this one stupid tablet.

I realise I have rambled. Apologies. How am I supposed to be honest with my support worker when there's a new person there? I know that sounds silly.

[one_step_closer]

Nothing you have said sounds silly at all. Do you think you could write something and give it to your support worker or ask if you can talk in private before you see both the support worker and the CPN? I think they would both rather you were able to talk about how you're feeling truthfully.

[Auror.]

I agree. I think it's okay to say that there are some things you need to talk about, but only privately with the person you know. As long as you don't just tell the new person to leave or something, they should both be able to respect that. New treatment providers can be really hard to deal with and learn to trust, it is something I am struggling with right now too.

Is there a way to reschedule the appointments you cancelled? Or ask for phone appointments or even a check in instead if you are concerned due to illness?

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Thank you both, and for the hugs too. <3
In the end the new CPN is coming a different day so I was able to speak to my support worker.

[one_step_closer]

Did you get to talk about what you needed to?

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Thanks. Sorry I haven't replied till now.

I did manage to speak to him and he wanted to speak to the duty team who wanted to speak to the crisis team but I don't particularly like the crisis team (I haven't had many good experiences with them) I said I was safe without them, but I did agree I'd call if I felt any worse. I'm seeing my perinatal nurse tomorrow so I'm hoping that'll help me... even a little.

Thanks for listening <3

[one_step_closer]

Have you been managing ok without input from the crisis team? I hope you can be honest with your nurse tomorrow and get something positive from the appointment.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Thanks <3


It's getting difficult. I'll see what the perinatal nurse says re crisis team because I really don't' trust them.

[one_step_closer]

How did you get on today? (Whenever you've had the appointment). Are there things that crisis can do or not to to help you trust them more?

[Auror.]

I can understand it being really hard to deal with people you don't know and who may not understand. I hope your nurse has some good suggestions. <3

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Thanks, both.

We decided the weekend CPNs would phone me and come see me if needed. Still strangers but I think a phone call first would help if I end up having to let them into my home.