Aimee, I have been following your threads and wanting to comment but I can't seem to formulate properly what I want to say.
So for now I will just leave love, and let you know I fully understand the additional stresses of post grad and I will try to write a proper response at some point.
How did the mindfulness seminar go? Well done for attending it, it's not easy to do social interaction when you feel so awful, so I really hope it helped a little bit.
The seminar was amazing. I'm going to have to remember to try and find this sort of therapy here. I learned a lot and felt engaged which is something I hadn't done for a long time.
I still went back to the, now unoccupied, tall building and sat half in the ledge, half inside. It was so intense and I could picture it but I couldn't do it. Then a class mate walked past down below and I was very glad I didn't. But I couldn't leave, so I called a helpline and she talked me inside and chatted to me as I walked to the car safely and she said I should be proud of reaching out for help and that I made her day by going safely to my car. That was nice to hear cause I feel like a fraud.
So I guess I don't need hospital now I just need to accept this crushing pain will pass. Once again overreacted like a fool.
Darling. Darling darling. Lucy told me you were feeling awful and linked me to this thread and I wanted to come and say hello because I missed you and I still care about you. Remember when we were teenagers and I'd stay up till all hours of the morning so we could chat? And all our perpetual amazement at timezones?
And what the fuck did Rather Odd Cat Disgust stand for, anyway? I remember you needed to remember the acronym ROCD for...some reason.
Look, anyway, I'm rambling. I don't know if I have anything to say that could help, except that you are NOT over-reacting and you ARE doing a lot of the right things. You can do this, Amy-girl.
How are you doing now? I am really concerned about you Amy. I dont think you were overreacting, please consider a crisis admission to hospital. Have you taken the things out of your car that you could use to hurt yourself?
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Well Seph there's a face I haven't seen for a long time! How lovely to see you. I have no idea what ROCD was for but am simply amazed you remembered it! I hope you're doing okay sweet . Thanks for checking in.
I feel better today as I made it to class in the city even overcoming my fear of trains to do so. So that's good. I think I'm safer now too.
Less tired
Still suicidal, less intense
Still thinking of opportunities though
Think I have good news coming so trying to hold on
Opened up to my brother (currently overseas) about finding uni tough
Social interactions today were so helpful to feel part of my course, we had a mini birthday party as we do for each member.
Trying to find a mindfulness group or therapy
Sorry this is disjointed I've had my night time meds
I do now I have everything I need to kill myself in my car and an alibi
Please get rid of the things in your car. I know you feel like you want to die right now but things will improve and those thoughts will go from your mind.
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Originally Posted by Dash
I suppose my thinking is that ideally you need to come out in a better place than you went in.
I agree with Dash. if you went in for a hospital admission, you'll come out in a better state than you are in now.
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Originally Posted by Snow White.
The seminar was amazing. I'm going to have to remember to try and find this sort of therapy here. I learned a lot and felt engaged which is something I hadn't done for a long time.
That's really great to see that it made you feel good and i do hope that you find that particular therapy.
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Originally Posted by Snow White.
she said I should be proud of reaching out for help and that I made her day by going safely to my car. That was nice to hear cause I feel like a fraud. So I guess I don't need hospital now I just need to accept this crushing pain will pass. Once again overreacted like a fool.
I agree with that lady you spoke to about reaching out for help. You aren't a fool and aren't a fraud either. That crushing pain you feel right now will pass and you will feel better just like it passed for you all the times before and just like all the times before you will feel better again.
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Originally Posted by Snow White.
Less tired. Still suicidal, less intense. Think I have good news coming so trying to hold on. Opened up to my brother (currently overseas) about finding uni tough. Trying to find a mindfulness group or therapy.
I'm so glad that you are feeling less tired and less suicidal. It will lessen even further until the thoughts leave you entirely. Did talking to your brother about uni help? Another great thing i see is that you are looking for a mindfullness therapy group.
I came across a thread that you made 4 years ago, as it was bumped and i think you need to print out the bits i'm going to quote as i think they are useful for you now. It's just gone 3 months until your 25th birthday and i hope by then you are thinking the same things as you wrote for your 21st birthday.
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I look back at those times. The horrible ones with such frightening scenes and hospital admissions, supervision for safety, and hundreds and hundreds of cuts. I look back at these things and I can honestly say; they don't make sense to me anymore.
You can and will look back at those times again once you begin to feel better.
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I have recovered.
You will recover again.
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No longer do I want to destroy myself. I deserve better. When I am in pain I don't want to extend it with hurt, I want to soothe myself and work through it with love. And though what I went through for years was difficult and crushing, and so real at the time, I can look back and know that I have overcome it all.
Yes, you do deserve better and all of those thoughts of hurting yourself will be replaced with love and soothing and overcoming it all over again.
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I can face anything, now that I have faced that. It blows my mind how bad things got for me, and I mention that because I want you all to know that no matter how many rock bottoms you feel you are hitting, you can get through this. It is possible. And part of me is still amazed how things do turn around.
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And sure, I had given up on myself time and time again - things were so bad, they were going to stay that way forever, right? So wrong. This happiness I have experienced over the past one and a half years has been completely rewarding to my efforts of fighting. The best thing I have ever done, is fight the pain and recover.
We don't need to be bumping my old threads though!
I'm feeling better today, I got cleaning and homework done and my head feels a lot clearer. I have some good news coming up and only 2 weeks till my brother is home so it's just about holding on now.
I think the fact I'm taking half the medication is better as the full pill totally demotivates me.
