Triggering (Abuse) - I wish he would leave me alone.
I wish he would just leave me alone.
My dad moved out not too long ago. For the second time. First time he moved out it was such a huge relief, i could relax abit more;be myself more. I was okay. Then he started coming back here again, and before i knew it he had turned on the charm with mom and he was living back here again. He told mum he would change and things would be different. That was a lie. Nothing changed.
Anyway, he moved out again. Of course I was happy to not have to see him all the time when i was at home, but the truth is, i didnt hold my breath that this was final. Ive still.. got this intense fear that he will be moving back in. It doesn't feel like his decision and mums decision for him to go is final. Some of his things are still here, alot of his things are still here, and he refuses to take them and put them in his new house. To me, that seems odd.. like he's not planning to stay where he is now. Am I just being pathetic and stupid? Just being paranoid? I dont know..
Today is HELL! He's here, and hes going to be here all day. Brother and sister went out, left me. Mum was here so i wasnt too anxious about being on my own with him.. but then about half an hour ago she had to go out and fetch my brother. He was upstairs painting my sisters bedroom, i was downstairs.. trying to be far away from him as possible. He came downstairs as soon as he heard my mum go, and started on me. I can't understand why he hates me so much. I have an ED, and its not good at the moment at all.. but he came in and told me that im fat and ugly.. and well i cant say exactly the words he used because its just too hurtful and painful to say. Im just so fed up of this. Now ive shut my door away from him. But, now im feeling so low and so low about my body.. Hes just made it so much worse for me.. I feel fat as it is, but everytime he tells me.. it just makes me restrict more and more.
Im sorry for this rant, i dont know why im saying all this to be honest.
Im talking crap really.
Sorry for the waste of your time.
x x
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