Triggered

[Aardbei]

I feel silly for posting, but I have nobody I can talk to about this, and I guess I just want some hugs.

I have been self-harm free for well over a year now, and previous to that it was only ever minor slip-ups that were few and far between. I rarely think about it anymore, and even if I am tempted, I'm quite easily able to dismiss it.

However, tonight I am feeling very sad and triggered. I have intense urges to cut my arms and I think this is because all of my scars are very faded and not really noticeable anymore. I feel like I'm 'not ill enough' and I need to do something to tip the scale and make how I'm feeling more valid. I know this is a ridiculous way to feel, but it's something I've always struggled with - I never feel like I've cut deep enough, even though I should have got stitches in the past - that sort of thing.

This is difficult because I'm in a fairly new relationship and my boyfriend has never known me as a self-harmer. I don't know how he'd react to new cuts. I'm also starting a new healthcare job in September that will probably require exposed arms for hygiene reasons so new wounds would make that very complicated.

I'm just struggling because I never felt like I was completely done with self-harm, and it's sort of like I'm waiting until I can do it again. I'm waiting for my boyfriend to break up with me, I'm waiting for myself to mess up this job and lose it, I'm waiting for a moment where I can hurt myself without having to worry about the consequences. I just wish I could feel like I'd properly recovered and left it behind, but this feeling of having unfinished business is driving me crazy.

Thanks if you read my ramblings!

[Aubergine]

Hello Malison.

Congratulations on the new job. You're right - you probably will have to wear short sleeves. Try to keep that in mind as you're trying not to hurt yourself. Sometimes it can help to have a concrete reason not to.

You mention that you're feeling sad. Do you know what you're feeling sad about? If you do, would it help to talk about it here?

Is this something you could talk to your boyfriend about?

*hug*

[Stellata]

Looking ahead to starting a new job can be stressful - take as good care of yourself as you can. Hurting yourself could likely cause more stress. I suggest being with what you're feeling kindly, understanding it, but not acting on it.

[Aardbei]

Thank you for your kind replies.

I'm not really sure why I feel sad - I always do, and I can pin down a specific reason why. I'm probably overtired as I don't sleep well.

I'm not sure if I could talk to my boyfriend about this stuff. I've never really tried to and to be honest I kind of want to keep him separate from it all as he's the one good thing in my life at the moment and I don't want to have to mess it all up.

x

[Aubergine]

Tiredness can have a huge impact on mental health. How is your bedtime routine? Have you got good sleep hygiene?

I can understand you wanting to keep things separate, but sometimes it's better to let people in and allow them to support you. You don't have to go into great detail or anything, but sometimes saying you feel a bit off and need a hug isn't usually a bad thing. :)

*hug*

[Aardbei]

I know sleep hygiene backwards as I've had trouble sleeping since I was a teenager. I have given up on it recently because it wasn't working and I find lying in bed being unable to sleep intolerable. At the moment I am staying up into the early hours until I'm exhausted because that's the only way I can actually drop off. I know this isn't good, but I have tried sleep hygiene for so long and it just doesn't work. When I had a job I was sleeping better as I had more of a routine/more things to spend my energy on, so hopefully when I start my new job I'll sleep a little better :)

I'll try mentioning it to him :) Thank you x