CMHT have abandoned me, cant cope

[one_step_closer]

You sound so emotional, do you know any ways to self soothe or do you usually need someone else to reassure you? Maybe you could write down some reassuring things that people have said to you in the past. When will you next be talking to your CPN/someone from the CMHT?

[chinahorse]

I drink tea.

Trying to distract with tv but keeps being coronavirus adverts telling me I'm killing people by doing out.

Tuesday because of the bank holiday.

[one_step_closer]

Can you watch a film instead or catch up TV with fewer adverts? Will it be your CPN you speak to on Tuesday? Did you get other numbers in case you need to phone someone before then?

[Pi.R^2]

I normally only watch bbc iplayer or dvds but just started watching something that's on ITV and was displeased by the coronavirus adverts!

Have you got any small indoor plans to pass the time over the weekend?

Keep fighting, you're doing really well. (I hope that doesn't sound patronising; I don't intend it to be!)

[chinahorse]

I'm at work. Sick of living. Really really feel hideous. Hiding in a surgery because I cant face the others. Want to go home and cuddle bertie.

[one_step_closer]

Is there something you can occupy yourself with on your own? When do you finish today? Bertie will be at home for you and I hope he will give you cuddles when you need them.

[chinahorse]

I feel very out of control of everything. I have such hatred for myself and the evil I cause. I'm such a horrible person and I cant cope with myself. I've been ok since I was furloughed because I had to pack and clean and paint and unpack. But now it's as done as I can manage. And I dont constructively know what help to ask the cmht for. Theres nothing wrong apart from the fact I'm destroying myself and I hate myself. How do I stop being such a fat,selfish,horrid person?

I cant see the future anymore. I could before. And I cant stop thinking how much better people would be if I died.

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry you feel so much hated from yourself. That is something the CMHT could help you work on although I know it's not easy when it's so ingrained. Are there any less physically demanding tasks that you can be doing to try and stay occupied? What did you see in the future before? What has changed?

[chinahorse]

I'm really really struggling right now and the one person I an turn to I feel like a burden.

[tamobhuuta]

Is there anything I could say? I will just leave love for now.

[chinahorse]

I dontknow. I feel so so hopeless. Life like this is impossible and inhumane. I will never ever get better and feel so so alone.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

We are all here for you <3
I know feeling alone is quite possibly the most crushing feeling ever. You're not alone here. *hugs*

[nonperson]

Wish I had something more concrete to offer other than words, but you're definitely not alone here, Lillie. You are cared about very much.

[chinahorse]

Thank you.

I feel like burden. So I'm staying away as much as I can.

I literally can not cope. I'm trying to keep going but I cant. The self harms worse. I called the crisis team after something happened outside the house on friday. They said they didnt want to help me. Call someone else. I hung up. Did a new sort of bad self harm. It hurts because I rang because I wanted to talk and try and avoid behaviours. It hurts so so much because yet again I was denied help.

I feel like my chest is caving in.

[nonperson]

Do you think going to A&E is an option? I know probably not ideal and maybe not the sort of help you're looking for but they won't turn you away and it sounds like you need it.

[chinahorse]

I dontthink I can justify spending 80 quid plus on taxis. Im fairly calm so will continue trying to not die until tomorrow when I will call my cpn. And it hurts to walk so I have 0 enthusiasm for a night in a and e to be told to go home.

[one_step_closer]

Please make sure you let your CPN know exactly how you're feeling and what's going on. Can you make a note of all the things that are important to discuss. You are definitely not alone, but in this situation it can make the alone feeling much worse.

[chinahorse]

Ive made a note but I sound ridiculously pathetic. I dont think I should bother the cmht. I'm a burden. A bother. No one would even notice if I died.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I'm so proud of you for making that note. You certainly wouldn't be bothering the CMHT, they are there to support you. I know I would notice if you weren't around anymore and I think a lot of others would be heartbroken. You are so cared for. <3

[tamobhuuta]

Yep, well done for the note, I really hope they listen to you and you feel listened to