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Old 22-09-2019, 07:42 PM   #1661
one_step_closer
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I can't deal with life and worry about the future. Something hugely awful is bound to happen. Something 'normally' awful is bound to happen and I can't even deal with that. I need to be brave enough to face death. I don't want the courage to deal with life, I want a quick exit through death. What if I can't have that? Life is just torture. How can life ever be made bearable? If only I could cut and overdose like I used to. My eyes hurt right now but I think I will do some proper research and make a just in case suicide plan when my eyes have recovered enough to do more screen things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-09-2019, 07:28 PM   #1662
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I took the Aripiprazole again. I'm going to try and work with the dampened down messages to be able to still help people. I hope it works. There was something other worldly going on in the health centre. Maybe I actually should stop taking the Aripiprazole because it might have been clearer what was going on.

I went for a walk with my support worker but I didn't get to communicate how hard things are because she told me to talk about positive things so I had to scrape around for things to say. She'll think I was lying when I said things haven't been good. I told her briefly about working on a suicide plan for when the horrible external pressure arrives but she said I'm obviously looking forward to the future because I should be going to a walking group and because I'm trying not to use white noise too much to avoid making my tinnitus worse. Of course things seem fine when she forces them to seem fine.

I emailed the organisation that does the gym group and informal crisis and key workers (if I ever get a new key worker) to say about some things that make phone calls difficult so that it might help to make things a bit easier. The manager said she thinks it's a good idea and can we meet up to discuss it. I'm hoping I can at least be a bit better at making phone calls so I can access support easier.

I've been wanting to email the fire lady for reassurance that firefighters are as safe as possible and to ask her what the safe house is that she said I might want to visit instead of the fire station but I'd sound like a child and she's not there to reply to rubbish like that from me.

I think I have part of my suicide plan sorted, well it's just an idea really but it's a first step. I want to have a proper structured plan so it's easy-ish to just get on with it.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-09-2019, 10:00 PM   #1663
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I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could talk authentically to your support worker. I imagine that must have felt really difficult. Did she allow you space to talk about struggles as well as positive things? Sometimes both can be useful.

It does sound positive that the manager was able to be open to creative thinking about making phone calls easier, and well done to you for raising that, I think that's so well done.

Would you talk to your CPN about how your thoughts are around suicide at the moment? It sounds like a lonely and painful place to be.

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Old 24-09-2019, 05:50 PM   #1664
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Thanks.

No, I started to talk about how things have been and then she said let's focus on the positives instead.

I sort of want to talk to my CPN about the suicide stuff but don't know if I can or should. I have decided on an initial plan which I need to get some things for and I don't have a specific date in mind yet. I was thinking about doing it today but then my brother got in touch about meeting up. I don't want to save myself to save him, I want to get suicide right for us both. I'm tired of having to think about how other people would feel when I die and I'm sorry if that's selfish. I need to buy alcohol to hopefully make suicide easier since I never drink alcohol anyway so I should be able to get drunk quickly. I'm anxious about buying alcohol though because I'm not used to it and don't even know what to get and hate the prospect of having to be ID'd. It's fine, I'm an adult. Adults drink.

No one can help me. I do wish I could talk to someone because it's hard to be so alone with all of this but it's mostly pointless. I just need to get this right.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-09-2019, 07:26 PM   #1665
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Please talk to your CPN about the suicide stuff. You definitely should, even if you don't think you can (I think you can). You don't have to be alone with it all.

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Old 24-09-2019, 07:51 PM   #1666
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Thanks. It will involve a phone call and she might be too busy to talk anyway. My friend thinks I need my meds adjusted or some time in hospital but I don't think they are options and I would never suggest them, it would have to come from my CPN or psych. I'll sound especially ridiculous since my support worker thinks I'm doing amazingly.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-09-2019, 09:45 AM   #1667
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I know phone calls are scary and it would not be good if your CPN is too busy to talk, but she might not be too busy and might listen and help, and it makes it worth a try, doesn't it? I agree with your friend, maybe a med review or a hospital stay can be helpful for you. Your support worker might not see and know everything, just because they think you're doing great, it doesn't mean you don't need help, or can't feel any better than this.

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Old 25-09-2019, 12:34 PM   #1668
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I don't think I'm going to phone my CPN. It's kind of pointless since all she can do is encourage me not to attempt suicide, she definitely won't think about meds or hospital and I'm not mentioning them either so there is no point wasting her time. I will maybe phone her if it goes wrong.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-09-2019, 02:06 PM   #1669
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I hope you can stay safe. You deserve to feel better than this.



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Old 25-09-2019, 03:58 PM   #1670
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Failed. Not a surprise. Not phoning my CPN.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-09-2019, 04:00 PM   #1671
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Do you mean you've hurt yourself? Why don't you want to phone your CPN?



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Old 25-09-2019, 04:08 PM   #1672
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It's ok. It's all 'fine'.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-09-2019, 04:11 PM   #1673
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It doesn't sound fine.



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Old 25-09-2019, 04:13 PM   #1674
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I'm alive, just tired. I have no further plans at the moment. There is nothing anyone could do if I contacted them.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-09-2019, 04:14 PM   #1675
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Do you need physical care? What would you like to hear right now?



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Old 25-09-2019, 04:19 PM   #1676
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No, I'm a complete failure.

I don't know what I need to hear. Nothing. There are no solutions or soothing words.

Thanks for your support though.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-09-2019, 04:22 PM   #1677
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Do keep coming here for support if you feel able, it's not good to be alone as well as everything else going on.



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Old 25-09-2019, 07:21 PM   #1678
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I'm supposed to go out and look for something relating to the other world. I'm tired and lazy though and I never find anything when I go looking. I don't really want to stay inside tonight though. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing since the messages aren't clear.

I don't know if I should phone my CPN tomorrow or not. I'm supposed to phone her before stuff happens not after, and I remember a previous CPN asking why I phoned after I'd done something meaning that it was pointless. My CPN would ask what I want her to do and I don't even know.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-09-2019, 02:23 PM   #1679
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I still haven't phoned my CPN and still can't make up my mind if I should or not. She'll maybe think, why are you telling me this?

I tried my best to make it to the gym group today. I got to the leisure centre but then turned back because I really can't put on a face today.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-09-2019, 02:44 PM   #1680
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I think you should try talking. Worse case scenario, she isn't helpful - you haven't lost anything.



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