So just wondering how people have got on with this, when do you explain/mention about scars before getting intimate with a new person? Or just go for it and hope they don't ask until afterwards?!! I'm not in this situation yet, but possibly may be at some point in the near future....
But I really hate that I have to even think about how to explain this, I've been SH free for around 6 years now and still find them hard to accept
I understand the feeling and the frustration.
For me, I think it depends on the person and my relationship with them.
Generally, i think if it's someone i trust i'd rather tell them before hand, so they are not surprised and put off in the moment.
If you don't want to tell the person, depending on the location of the scars you could just keep the lights off and hope they don't notice (this didn't work with me, because he felt them, but he knew about the existence of some scars).
Personally, i'd prefer to mention it offhandedly as something i used to do, but still have scars from. I think it makes it less of a taboo subject.
The world is an interesting place when everyone you know has their own realities
I prefer to tell them beforehand for three reasons:
- it avoids ruining the moment if they suddenly see/feel scars
- it stops me worrying about them finding out
- it they are going to freak out and be all weird about it and not handle it and leave, i'd rather know earlier on in the relationship than after we've got really close etc.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
I've never told people about them beforehand, ususally they're not really noticed as we'll be very 'in the moment'; one guy did notice and asked what they were but I just said 'tell you later' and he accepted it and carried on.
I do think it probably depends on the person though, and on whether you think you'll be preoccupied or anxious about their reaction if they didn't know beforehand.
Yeah I'm thinking I probably would have to say something beforehand because if I didn't I would be too worried, if they were just small I could have maybe passed them off as an accident but they are blatently self inflicted. I'm probably thinking too far ahead at the moment anyway as my situation is a bit complicated, I just worry about these things.
I have only been with the guy I am currently with, and when we got togeher I was still cutting and he did know beforehand, now because I've stopped I really wish I didn't have these reminders, it makes me feel childish because it's something that I started when I was young, if that makes sense?!
I personally told my current boyfriend before we got intimate because I didn't want to scare him off. I explained where I had scarring, where the scars had come from, that sort of thing. Luckily he was very understanding and when we did get to that point he was very sweet and called me 'tiger girl' because of my stripy arms and legs, which helped diffuse the situation.
I'm sure whoever you do meet will be understanding, but try and get a gauge about their opinions on that sort of thing first, as obviously everyone reacts differently. Good luck!
I told my ex beforehand too. If somethings starting to happen with a guy I often end up telling them drunk, which is a bad move! If like you say, they're old you can say it in a more relaxed way and just be like "thought you might want to know..."
Good luck xx
If the intimacy is just going to be a one off thing, i don't tend to mention mine. My scars are pretty obviously from self harm anyway so people don't tend to point them out and ask what they are.
But if i'm looking for a relationship with a person, i always tell them as soon as i feel appropriate :) some people handle it differently. A few of my ex's were fine with it, and some have gotten quite upset. I suppose it depends on that individual's experiences and ability to hack baggage!
I only visit RYL once or twice a year - see my profile for other ways to contact me xox
"I figured out it was a social thing, what women were allowed to do. At a very young age, I decided I was not going to follow women`s rules."
i waited till i got 2 know some1 - and before getting too intimate. then i allowed them to see a bit at a time & gave brief explaination whe they asked ut also made it clear i didnt want 2 go into detail right then. then they know u for you. less likely to think ur suddenly going to change. more likely to care & want to understand. Also gives them a chance to take it in - show/talk to them at relaxed time when ur in good mood & they can go away ater & think about it. not be suddenly be confronted w/ injuries at an intimate moment.
So, disclaimer, I have had a massive total of two relationships. The first time, we were, er, becoming intimate and I said something like "Hey, just so you know, I have a bunch of old scars, just so you aren't surprised, okay?" They weren't very old, actually, but I guess it worked, because she didn't seem bothered by them. The second time, I had enough that you could see them when I was wearing a T-shirt, and it was never an issue.