Hi everyone been hectic last few weeks so not been able to reply.
Mylastkiss - yeah i totally get where you are coming from and in a way I know that I dont ezpect to change him I never have in the most part as he has made very clear of that he wouldnt anyway and even now when he is starting to think more about his actions and how they make me feel I whole heartedly believe that he will probably just go straight back to doing them and that it will be an endless circle but by staying with him now and voicing my opinions and feelings of what he does will make him more aware and vring me to that point where I can say well ive tried. I dont want you to think your advice is going on deaf ears I can promise it isnt I just believe that by giving him that choice to make his own decision about our future together if he loves me as much as he said he does then he will stand up take responsibility and want to make that change and if he doesnt then I will have to gather the strength to leave.
Sentient treacle - I made it for last half an hour I was in uni and it ran over so couldnt get there on time but I watched the last half of the video they were watching I still feel conflicted about whether I need to go tothis group and whether my situation is enough the I take a place that could ve offered to woman in real need.
Thanks it is hard everythings is double sided and conflicting that its just a jumbled mess in my head my biggest conflit is my loyalty to him and my value of myself im trying to think of the pros and cons of the relationship but I just seem to cancel the cons out with pros which isnt helping.
Yes true I suppose that trying to treat trauma while still experiencing trauma in a way will just keep the cycle going around and never get anything solved and maybe the problems with my sex drive may never be solved and that could be a possibility I havent really thought about it.
Wow I never really thought about that I spend so much time creating excuses to the people around me about his actions ive never really thought about the issues I hace genuinely have.
Like I said I still have conflicts about the womens centre im going to try engage with the group for a couple of sessions to see how I get on before I totally dismiss it I just feel that there are women out the in real need of a place within the group that im taking up.
You are exactly the woman who this women's group was designed for and it sounds like you are getting something out of it, so they will be thrilled that you are attending and making good use of their service.
I echo everything that the others have said. You deserve so much better than this.
Yeah i feel its helping to become more aware of the things that arnt right but it just creates more problems and conflicts.
I am hoping to engage more with the group just been hard last couple of sessions with the way ive been feeling and havent been able to get hold of the woman that I am under just going to take time I guess
I feel like my lifes falling apart im trying to keep strong and keep going like i always have before but I just cant pick myself up ive lost control, its like im in a hole the more I fight to climb out the deeper it gets I just feel like the more I try to improve my life I become a vigger failiure
I feel like im on a downward spiral I just want to pack my bags and leave never looking back throw everything away and start again..
Im not only having to deal with my past but im having to reconsider the future as well then im having to deal with My boyfriend who isnt talking to me, I might be getting kicked off my uni course, im fed up with my health and being ill.
Hey, I'm sorry things aren't going well. It sounds like you are in desperate need of some decent real life support right now. Do you have any family or friends who might be able to help you pick yourself back up?
Hi yes I really do, the womens centre has been useless, my key worker got in touch last week having not heard from him in about a month to find hes on sick leave so im back to being on my own again.
I do talk to my friends and family and they do support me the best they can but its just a blame game of whos fault it is, my boyfriend blames my mum, my mum blames my boyfriend irriguardless as to what I say.
Theres been so many times that ive thought about just packing a bag and leaving everything behind I cant go back to my old coping mechanisms as it hurts everyone else around me and I cant go though that guilt again
Yeah just frustrating that I went througy all tye rguing with my boyfriend because they told me to come to them then just dont do anything.
Yeah i have a lot of things happen over the last few months thats created so many more problems and feelings for me. I attempted suicide, im having to stay with my mum, I might have to leave university, my healths taken a dive again, having to deal woth the rape for the first time then seeing the guy who did it, my family finding out about the rape, money and I have developed a hatred for my slef to a level I have never reached before and then everything woth my boyfriend . Ijust feel like disappearing I can just start again and create a new person if only that was possibl.
Yeah self harm and drinking which usually ends in suicide attempts
I'm so sorry things have been so tough over the last few months. What led to you attempting suicide? Are your family being supportive of you and are you able to access any mental health support at the moment?
I just couldnt keep going anymore I was getting deaper an deeper into a hole that I already couldnt get out of 10 years ive been telling myself that things will get better and id feel true happiness it just became a hollow dream it seemed as everyweek that passed I hated myself more that everyone would be better if I wasnt around my plans for the future had faded I just couldnt see me ever been happy my boyfriend was telling me all the problems that I caused him, university was becoming too much and I just didnt bring anything to life or society self harming wasnt doing anything other than being the realisation of just how numb that I had become It literally felt like I was a shell there was nothing inside id tried to speak to my bf but he just said that I was a moron that I wasnt depressed I was lazy and creating my own problems, I spoke to my friends all they kept saying was that it was my bf that he was toxic and that he doesnt want me to get better thats why he puts me down and keeps me away from them and my family so I wouldnt change and become better, my boyfriend blamed my mum told me to stay away from her my mum said that I needed to grow a pair and stand up to my bf just didnt who to listen to who to talk to so ended in me taking my overdose cant hurt, upset or cause problems for anyone if im not here.
There trying by its still the blame games with everyone bf wants us to get a house together so im away from my mums, my friends want me to leave my boyfriend as they say he will kill me one day, my mum wants me to stay with her untill Im better and able to make sound decisions for myself.
I was moved from under the crisis team to the community mental health team they told me to stay away from my bf untill I was in better frame of mind they refered me to the womens centre and some mindfulness courses which I did things were going good my mood was stableising I was seeing my friends lot more for the first time in 5 years I was seeing my family was getting the support then I ended up having to tell the bf why I wasnt going he went mental said why do I enjoy making him out to be a bad person after everything hes done said I stabbed him in the back then half 11 new years eve he left me then couple days later said he wanted me to go over so I did he talked for a while then I ended up having to go to his some weekends then I stopped getting any contact woth the community mental health and the womans centre was useless im back at the boyfriends weekends and I dont see my friends barely see my family after about a month my key worker replied to a message saying he was on sick leave and havent hesrd anything since I dont do to the womans centre so atm just me till someone informs me whats going on
That all sounds really intense. It sounds like your friends are looking out for you and want you to be safe and happy, but I can see how it's actually a bit unhelpful to have all these people throwing their ideas at you about what you should do. Do you know what you want?
Could you contact the community mental health team to check up on what's happening? It's rubbish that you've been left without any support. In the interim, maybe you could try to keep on practicing the mindfulness techniques that you learnt?
Yeah is abit, yeah thats the thing I know everyone is trying to look out for me and its frustrating them as they thing that I am not listening to them which I am its just a big decision to make and im not sure whether im able to make that decision right now with were I am and my heads at.
Its all the what ifs they may never happen but even small changes would improve things, I know hes never going to change hes said himself that and I know I cant live the rest of my life like this mentally or physically but I also dont want to throw a 8 year relationship away without thinking it through but hes never going to understand what im going through all I get is that im lazy and that I should act like a normal person and just get on with life but doesnt take into account the hours I laid in bed the night before telling my self to get up get a wash brush my hair ect ect then waking with just about enough energy to get out of bed and downstairs.
He wants to move in to together becuase as he said it would take all the problems away he gets to see me all the time, im not at my mums ect ect but I just dont know if thats a good idea or not.
Yeah im not quite sure who he is under will have to have a look and try get in touch, tbh im used to isnt the first time amd probably wont be the last, yeah hopefully can use that and just keep on top of everything im the meantime fingers crossed its not going to be too long
I know it will be frustrating for them but they have to understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a huge deal and not easy at all. If you're not ready to make that decision yet then much as we would like to hurry and be away from it as soon as possible, you have to do it in your own time.
Given that you are accepting that you can't stay in this relationship forever, it would probably be wise to avoid committing to living with him!
I'm glad you're going to try to get in touch with the mental health people. It's really rubbish, but you do very often have to be quite persistent in order to get the support you need and deserve.
Yeah I think its just because there thinking that its already been 8 years so the sooner the better kind of thing but I suppose its easier to look from the outside then to be the one who has to make that decision. Yeah exactly and they are just looking at the bad side of it where as I also have the good sides to contemplate.
Yeah ive told him that I dont think its a good idea with everything the way it is right now I need to feel better and we need to have a long talk about the relationship before anything like that happens, which once he actually listens to what I say without getting mad and defensive moght bring things a step forward.
Yeah unfortunately it is, hopefully with my doctor backing me something will turn out, trying to push myself to get to the mindfulness course more just struggling with my sleep so getting up is becoming a bit of a problem atm.
I think they do sometimes but sometimes they are unable to see the full extent of things so can be hard for them to understand.
No it will always go back to him been right and im wrong he cant get over that, like ive been trying to tell him how rock bottom that I am right now all I get it that when im with him everythings great only when im not with him that im like that like he takes everything away and makes everything better.
Both some days im not sleeping others I dont wake up and then theres when I dont get to sleep until the early hours so then im asleep all day so when I do wake up I feel awful, I have nothing to keep me going now so Ive just slowly lost the ability to care about anything so I just cant motivate myself to give a dam about getting up
It sounds like he really is bad news and I hope that you do decide to leave soon. It sounds like he really doesn't take your opinion on board or have any interest in thinking about how he could better support you.
As I'm sure you know, having a routine and getting up at a reasonable time is really helpful for sleep- I know it's easier said than done though! Have you tried the usual sleep hygiene tips and tricks?
