Contains sexual abuse - I don't want to talk about it, OKAY!?

[Koriandr]

I'm sorry I haven't been active here AT ALL.
And I'm sorry that I'm really only coming back because something is wrong again. This is more of a rant.

Well,
I'm usually active on other mental health forums and chats, and today I was talking with someone that I considered to be a friend. Well, this friend likes to talk about sex. A LOT. And sometimes in (what I consider to be) detail.
Anyway, we were talking about another person who recently became friends with benefits with someone else, and I thought it was a bad idea and that led to her (my "friend") telling jokes and just talking about sex casually.

Normally, I'd be okay with it, but recently a lot of things have come up that has triggered my PTSD, such as getting in contact with an abusive ex and having more memories of rape and sexual abuse from my uncle, and then having someone hit on me and making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Long story short, I didn't feel like hearing about sex. Not when I knew that thinking about sex would lead to my mind thinking about all the abuse.

So I was a little snarky, but I said I would rather not talk about it. And that made her upset. Well... gee, I just DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. It's too triggering right now. And now I'm even more upset because she's mad at me.

Am I in the wrong for not wanting to talk about sex? I mean, am I the only person who relates sex to abuse? I hope not.

And hey, I'm a sensitive person. Even the smallest, stupidest of things trigger me. Such as when people eat and they start slurping. Or, when people tell me "good girl" or anything like that it triggers me. JUST UGH.

I'm already having a lot to deal with right now and having all of those memories of the abuse doesn't help. Going into detail about sex doesn't help. Talking about sex casually right now, doesn't help!!! I don't WANT to remember the abuse right now. I DON'T WANT to remember the abuse EVER. I come to these MH forums to vent about it, to get support and to hear someone tell me that what I'm feeling is okay. It doesn't help when the person who I thought was my friend, the person who's supposed to be helping me gets angry at me for something that I was told was a natural reaction.

To hell with this. I'm already on the edge, who cares if I fall at this point?

[Patent Pending]

Hi there,

I don't really have many words right now, but I wanted to tell you that it is okay to tell this person that you don't want to talk about it.

I get like this at times and I think it's pretty common.

x x x

[crazykat]

You are not wrong for not wanting to talk about it. It is okay to not talk about something that upsets you. Hope your doing okay

[Koriandr]

Thank you for the responses.
Since this post I have made amends with my friend...

But I'm still feeling pretty off about the abuse. Every little thing is triggering to me right now. I mean, everything. I walk down the street and see a couch that doesn't look remotely like the one at my uncle's home and I just get weak in the knees and shaky all of a sudden because my mind says, "Couch, Uncle's apartment had a couch, abuse, abuse, Abort abort abort." UGH.

It's just... I can't get my thoughts together to form a coherent sentence.

[crazykat]

I am sorry that your still really struggling with your PTSD symptoms, it can be incredibly hard and draining when things constantly trigger us. I know it is hard but try and keep reminding yourself that the abuse happened in the past but your safe now. Have you got a small safe object that you could carry in your pocket? I have a special stone that was given to me by someone special, I use this as a way of grounding myself and bringing me back into the present moment. Just wondering if something similar would help you.

[sallysun99]

feel free to message me when your down hun. i know it is extremely hard dealing with ptsd and its even harder when there is no one to talk to. stay safe.