Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Abused but cannot forget...help

[AngelEyezHoney]

Hi, I'm sorry all but really don't know where to turn.
I'm now 21yrs old and newly married but I can't forget my past.
As a child (6mths to 5yrs) I was sexually and physically abused by my dad. He tried to kill me and also tried having me put into care. His new partner also used to be in the room when he abused me. One time he kidnapped me and was going to leave the country (he is Italian) and that night he made me sleep in between him and his girlfriend and he abused me while she was awake in bed next to me. When my mum found out after I told her he had taken pics of between my legs I had to see a doctor for physical exam and my mum found out that I had been abused both vaginally and anally since roughly the age of 6mths. It went to court and my dad walked free, apparantly there was insufficient evidence to prove it was him.

Then when I was 7 my mum's friend was babysitting me while she was working and I had nightmares all the time so slept very lightly. I was sleeping with my back to the door and I woke up hearing someone come into the room and then felt my mums friend sit on the bed...he put his fingers in me. I pretended to be sleeping still. He sat there doing it for a while then just got up and went and washed his hands and pretended as if nothing happened. I didn't tell my mum until I was 11 as I felt like it was my fault, I was dirty.

Then when I was 13 my step-dad started coming into the bedroom or making excuses to come into the bathroom when I was in there. If I had just got out the bath he used to come and steal my towel even though he knew I still had flashbacks and panic attacks. Then when I was 14 he told me to fuck him in the back of his van. He didn't do it but from then on I made sure that myself or my sister (3 at the time) were never alone with him. Again I didn't tell my mum as he used to beat her every night and I knew she would have killed him. I first attempted suicide after this and was told by the psych that I didn't do it to die, I was crying out for attention so I stopped going to him.

I eventually told her when they split up after he nearly killed her and hit me at the age of 15. When she confronted him he laughed and said it was to scare me. My mum blames herself for everything as I also spent most of my life being made to watch while she was beaten half to death. The police did nothing.

Since the age of 15 I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar and manic depression. I have attempted suicide so many times I have lost count, many of them unknown by anyone. I also regularly self harm. When I was 18 my dad turned up on my doorstep and threw me into months of insomnia, panic attacks, anxiety, suicide attempts.

I am now on anti-depressants and sleeping tabs but no longer work at all. I feel completely low the whole time, crying and feeling worthless. Everytime I close my eyes I see the things happening to me. The only reason I have not tried suicide is because of my sister (now 11) and my mum as she has Lupus and needs me. It would kill her if I tried anything again. I got married on the 8th Sept but I cannot speak to him. He is Nigerian and very Christian says that I should forgive my dad if I ever want to move on and also that people that self harm are stupid and crazy. Also says that there is no way that I can remember what happened to me and it was so long ago I should forget so after months of trying to hide how I really feel I have walked out and gone back to my mums. I cannot stand to make love to my husband as as soon as he tries to cuddle me or touch me I get propelled back to being a little girl again and reliving things.

I have been told I need anger management as when I get upset I punch things and try to smash things. I also pull at my hair in an attempt to stop myself self harming. My doctor said he was going to refer me for counseling after almost being admitted into a psychiatric hospital but all I got was a referral for stress management. I saw my doc a few weeks ago who doubled my dose of AD's and said that if they don't kick in after a month then he is going to change them and then once I start seeing the effects he will refer me for counseling as he believes that if I go now I won't cope and he doesn't want to section me.

I also have a big weight problem (I am 20st and bulimic) and hate myself as I cannot have children. I have Polycystic Ovaries and also internal scaring. I managed to fall pregnant once but miscarried at 5mths. I blame myself.

I'm trying really hard to get a grip as I have just started uni but all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. The other day I was due to have an oral presentation at uni and had a complete panic attack at the front door and couldn't leave the house for 2days.

Riding my horse is the only time I feel normal and remotely relaxed.

I don't know who to turn to. Why can't I forget about it all? Why do I abuse myself by reliving everything?

Sorry this was so long.

[lovely_dramatic]

Hun, that's though, it really is. But you can't blame yourself for your past. There are sick, sick people out there. It's not your fault that they took out there sickness on you. But it is so incredibly brave to seek help for yourself. That's the first step in being happy again! It's a long rough road, but you've started, and that's farther than some people ever get. Always remember that what has happened to you WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Feel free to PM me anytime if you ever need to talk, kay hun?

Sending hugs and prayers your way. <3

[idontwantnomorescars]

hey hun i'm so sorry you were abused like that, its not your fault. i'm sorry your dad got away with what he did to you he had no right to do that to you. i am glad your mum eventually found out about it and it got stopped when it did.

i really am so so sorry you have been abused by so many people please believe me when i tell you its not your fault hun dont ever feel like it was.

that first physc you saw obviously couldnt deal with the amount of trauma you had been through and was looking for the easy way out.

sorry but i am in shock at all the horrible things that have happened to you its a miracle that you are still here with us really you have been through so much but i bet this has made you a stronger person.

maybe you could ask for different anti depressants there are several different ones, just becuase on e soesnt work for you doesnt mean there isnt one out there that will. it took me almost 2 years to find the right mediaction for me.

i dont blame you if you cant forgive your dad he did really horrible things to you. i personally dont think you need to forgive him to move on in your life.

hun people who self harm are not crazy and stupid ok, its a real problem and its used as a coping mechanism.

maybe you need to talk to your husband and let him know when he cuddles up to you it brings back some really bad memories for you, you deserve to be happy.

maybe you could try anger management or give it a trial to see if it helps you or not

dont blame yourself for miscarrying, i know its hard i have miscarried myself but it was only after 2 months. some things are just beyond our control and there isnt anything we can do about it.

do you think that maybe you're not ready to handle uni yet with all this other stuff going on?

try and ride your horse as much as possible i say if it makes you feel relaxed and normal because that is a really good thing.

and dont worry about your post being so long , my reply is probably just as long

[idontwantnomorescars]

oh yeah i forgot to add feel free to pm me anytime i want to help you

[AngelEyezHoney]

Thank you.

Why me?

[AngelEyezHoney]

Well I'm so glad I went thru everything and sat crying while typing out 'my story' just goes to show exactly what I thought...That no one gives a sh*t...

[jdpasino]

we do care we are all here...anytime you want to talk i'll be here