Your friend was demanding and unreasonable. You were a complete star throughout, being a loyal friend and being so helpful. It’s time to focus on yourself now. It’s ok to take a step back and recuperate.
I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you don’t need to worry about what people think of you. You are a good person.
Even if I am a good person there are always going to be people who think badly of me. I know that's the same for everyone probably. It's hard having BPD because of the stigma and the way my thoughts and feelings and behaviours are perceived so rigidly within what people think of BPD. I can do anything and say my reasons for it but I often won't be believed and will instead be told that I am attention seeking or manipulative. It can be hard to find the words to explain what is really going on when people are so quick to judge.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
That must be really hard. If anyone does think badly of you, then that is their problem. They obviously don’t know you and are not worth worrying about, as hard as that is.
It is true that not anyone is liked by everyone, but like Lorraine says, if people don't like you then that's very much because of them and their thoughts rather than because of anything that you have done. You're lovely.
Do you tell people that you have BPD? Because, if I'm honest, before I started self-harming myself and Googled a few things, I had never heard of it! Still don't know an awful lot about it, other than what people say about it here, but I'd say that it sounds really horrendous to live with and I'm full of compassion for people who suffer from it rather than anything negative.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I know that a lot of people's opinions has to do with them but if they think bad things about me then I'm obviously involved and I hate to think what horrible thoughts and feelings I cause people to have about me. My psychiatrist said that some of his patients don't like him and he's ok with that. I don't know how to be ok with people disliking me, especially when what they're thinking about me isn't true.
I'm really just talking about health professionals. The rare contact I have with people who might be called my friends is usually ok. I'm very aware of what health professionals think about people with BPD, and what the hospital staff say about me in my notes. They can't see what is underlying in people with BPD, they can't feel the horrible torturous pain and they don't understand that actions are not meant to be attention seeking or manipulative (not in my case anyway). The way I behave etc is because I am so utterly desperate and in pain. I think people also assume that I am going to get angry and demanding with them at some point when I don't have issues with my anger at all. I know where they're coming from though, everyone I've met with BPD has been very angry. I just want to be treated as an individual. My support worker treats me as an individual because he doesn't know all the ins and outs of my diagnosis.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Broken record but how do people deal with the pressures and responsibilities of adult life? I still have very little but can't stop worrying about what I'll be feeling and having to deal with when I have to get a job. At the same time I have been trying to figure out what job would suit me best. I'm really interested in psychology and mental health but I don't think I will ever be able to provide face to face or telephone support to people with mental health problems. Tried and failed in the past. I want to be able to do it and that makes it frustrating, I just don't feel mentally stable and resilient enough to consistently do a good job when crisis points arise (crisis points for me or whoever I may be supporting). I like offering support here (RYL) but no job would be very flexible without a fixed amount of work I have to do and totally online. I could possibly be a research assistant within the field of mental health but I absolutely can't do stats so that would need to not be part of it. I won't be able to find a perfect job and I'll be forced into something that leaves me hanging on the edge in emotional agony. I know I need to try and take small steps though but I don't know what they could be because my interests and abilities are limited.
My brother is worried about his physical health but is avoiding going to his GP. He said it's not very motivating to wake up early to make an appointment to be told that he has serious health problems. He thinks he has diabetes but in the past he has thought he had cancer, a brain tumour, and something wrong with his heart. He's very anxious about things in general. I don't know how to support him. I've encouraged him to try and make an appointment with his GP since it's better to know what's going on and either have his mind put at ease or see about treatment. He doesn't want me to come to an appointment with him, even to waiting in the waiting area, because he says that would be worse. I don't know how to support him. I notice so much that when people ask me how I am I often tell them how my brother is because a lot of my emotions are connected to him. I don't know how to take a step back and not be too focused on him but still be able to be there for him. I'm helpless anyway. There's nothing I can do for him. The reality is that he is suffering and I am of no use.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't think you're going to be pushed into doing a job you don't like that's going to push you over the edge. It's ok not to work if it's too much. People understand that - it really is ok.
I do think it's important to have something to focus on other than how rubbish everything is though. Craft, music, animals, exercise, friends etc. Something that isn't focussed inwards or based around mental health. It's so hard, but I believe you could make something work.
Adult pressures? I lean on my friends, I play piano, I walk in the wind, I cry, I scream, I study, I research positive things, I read happy news, I go for coffee and watch the sea, I meet friends for lunch, I get a head massage... That's how I deal with the stress of adulthood. It's hard sometimes, but it can also be so, so good. Ypu.can have that too. The world is your oyster.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I don't think my psychiatrist understands that I couldn't cope with work right now. He wants me to right away be able to use my qualifications rather than taking smaller steps towards that. I probably won't be seeing him for another few months anyway so hopefully I can work with my CPN to make some more gentle progress. Lots of people are in jobs they don't like, my brother for one, and I see some of how it negatively affects him. I at least want to know that if I get pushed into something and it's too much for me that I will be able to kill myself.
I'm so worried about my brother. I feel so useless and helpless when it comes to making things better for him. I have always tried to give him what he wants throughout his childhood but it's not as easy as buying him the latest Sims game or allowing him age restricted dvds when he's not even that age. He's hurting and I am powerless. I know how he feels is partly my fault and I can't take back any mistakes that I've made. I feel incredibly guilty. He has all his life issues and emotional issues and he has very little support while here I am with pretty much no stressors and a lot of support. It's not fair. I want him to have a better life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Lots of people are in jobs they DO like though. And that's if you ever want to get a job. It's OK for that to be too much, it really is. You can use your intelligence and qualifications in other ways that are just as important. Working towards things gently with your CPN sounds good. Remember that the things you work towards can be whatever you want. Whatever is going to help you and keep you healthy.
It's hard worrying about family members. It's not your fault though. <3
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I don't think it's ok in the eyes of my psychiatrist. It's not really ok in the eyes of society either, adults are supposed to work. As soon as someone says I've been stable for a long enough period of time then I will end up being taken off benefits and told I have to get a job. I almost crack up at the thought of it so don't know how I'll cope if it happens. I need to be doing something, I know, this is the first period of time where I haven't been at uni or working or volunteering or in and out of hospital, I don't have many commitments, so I will be expected to do something. Everyone focuses on my intelligence and thinks that means I should be able to be like a normal functioning adult. My psychiatrist is always going on about it, saying that everyone is frustrated because I have potential and I sabotage myself. I'm not entirely sabotaging myself, I am genuinely struggling.
My CPN is happy with me tackling my social anxiety by going to a gym group, that's a first step. It has been really tough but I have managed to go for the past 2 weeks. I'm thinking about asking to be referred to an organisation that recruits volunteers to do conservation work and stuff in the environment, mainly focusing on people with mental health problems and disabilities so maybe it wouldn't be too much pressure. I went to a thing called branching out in 2012 while I was an inpatient which was just doing stuff in a forrest and I didn't like it at first (hate the cold!) but got into it and I think it was helpful.
I hate having no control over what my brother is experiencing. I can't reach inside him and remove the hurt. It's scary thinking that he is the only person who can feel what he feels and there is nothing I can do to ease the bad things. I'm not anxious enough to be guided into what rituals to do and I can see that when I was doing loads of rituals they didn't seem to stop bad things from happening. They could have been preventing something though and because I've stopped doing the majority of them things are going wrong for my brother again. I don't want him to hurt. His luck needs to change. How is he even coping?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I wrote some coping strategies and goals etc yesterday and spoke about some of it with my CPN. She was really pleased I was considering the future and said she often thinks I hit a brick wall but I was seeing around it today. I felt quite positive but plans are ok, it's actions that are difficult. My CPN recognises I need to take things slowly and she wants me to do things that will give me enjoyment. I went to the gym group afterwards and got on ok. My brother is having a really hard time though and that makes everything hopeless. Positive feelings within myself are very fleeting and I can't hold on to them because I'm so worried about my brother. I feel so connected to him and I'd like to be able to have a healthy distance from him, not so that I don't care any more but so I can be able to help him without getting caught up in so much pain myself and so I can allow myself to live even when he is having difficulties. I care about him greatly and I don't know how to help him. He is hurting too much. I can't cope and I don't know how he is dealing with things.
If anyone knows how to have healthy concerns for other people and not get too deep and how to support loved ones then I'd be grateful to hear them. I don't know if it will ever be possible for me to be less affected by his negative experiences. But the main thing is not how I feel it's how I help him to feel better. I can get away from his emotions but he can't.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It must be hard worrying about your brother. I wish I knew what to suggest.
It’s great you have made goals. Tackle them slowly and take baby steps. It’s great you went to gym too. Did it help you? It sounds like your cpn is being helpful and understanding.
I know everyone worries about people they are close to. I feel that in my case it is more intense and a previous psychologist I saw even described it as obsessive which I think I agree with since he's on my mind through a great deal of the day and if I feel unable to help him I will turn to rituals. It's not fair on him. I would hate it if someone was so unhealthily attached to me like that. He managed to see a GP this morning anyway and unsurprisingly she thinks his symptoms are anxiety related and has referred him to do some kind of online course. She took blood too to check it though. I keep thinking about how he is stuck with all this and I am powerless to take any of his pain away. I hope he can find some helpful support from somewhere. It's like responsibility for his well being falls on my shoulders because he doesn't have much support. He probably talks about some things with his friends and partner but I don't know if he has enough support so I feel like I need to be doing something especially since he is a close family member.
I'm really liking my CPN. A bit worried that it will all fall apart eventually as that has happened before, or that she will move to a different area and I'll have to see someone else. The gym group was fine, I was less anxious this time. A bit of exercise can't be a bad thing anyway and the people who go to the group are nice.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It’s good your brother went to see a doctor. I hope he gets all the help he needs. If it were my sister I would be worried too. Family is so important and it’s hard not to feel worried in times like these.
That’s good you like your cpn. Focus on now and let her help you.
It sounds like you did well at gym. Are you going again?
I'm going to try and keep going to the gym group, I need to be doing more stuff and interacting with people a bit more. I have nothing planned over the weekend and I rarely do. Feeling very hopeless today and can't focus on posting supportive replies here. I hate when that happens. I'm pretty much sick of life at this moment in time.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm feeling quite isolated and stuck at the moment. Just in the kind of mood where I'm finding it hard to even interact with people online. And I don't know how to occupy myself since things are either too hard to focus on or seem dull. I have been thinking about going a quick walk but the weather is putting me off. I have housework to do too but can't get motivated. I'm not living, life is passing by so quickly too. There is no point in me being alive. I don't want to do this any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
