Well done for telling your GP about the OD - I know it can't have been easy to do. You were really brave.
I hope the hospital check you out and are able to provide you with more support.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thank you so much everyone for the replies, it means a lot.
I got let out of hospital yesterday and my Dad drove me back to Hampshire. Hospital was really terrifying. I was almost transferred to a specialist liver unit and there was talk of me having to have a liver transplant if the levels did not drop. Luckily my levels returned to normal after a few days and being attacked to drips pretty much 24/7. I'm absolutely exhausted. My sleep was constantly disrupted during my stay and I've really struggled with food. So I have no energy at all.
My family have arranged a meeting with my old psychiatrist on Thursday, so I've got that. I just can't go on living like this. I can't have a life like this. I want to be able to live my life, have a career and actually enjoy it. It just all seems so much.
I am glad that you don't need a liver transplant, it must have been absolutely horrifying to think you might need one. Maybe you can use that as a motivation to not OD in the future as I imagine you are at a higher risk of long-term damage now.
I am glad to hear that your family knows what is going on for you now, you've told me before how supportive your dad is and I am sure not having to hide how bad things are is a good thing.
I hope the meeting will go well, maybe try to think about what you would like to get out of it and what kind of support you need right now.
Even when it feels like that now, things are not hopeless and you still will be able to have all of those things. Just focus on getting well for now, that will make it a lot easier to work on those things once you recover from this low.
I'm so glad to hear that you don't need a liver transplant, I can't imagine how terrifying it must have been to be told you might need one. I agree with Lana that it might help to use this as a reason not to OD in the future, the more times your liver gets to that stage, the harder it is for it to recover.
Are your family supportive? It sounds good that they've made an appointment for you with your old psych. I hope they're able to offer you some support. Try to remember that just because this is how life is now, it doesn't mean it's going to be like this forever.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
There's no need to apologise, we're here to support you through this.
Do you want to talk about what's going on for you right now?
Did you manage to see your psychiatrist?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thank you both very much for replying, it means so much to me.
I feel like I'm a burden to everyone. I know people love and care about me, but I just feel like I'm too much. I'm a waste of time, energy and peoples love. I have no value, the only thing I loved doing I've ruined. So why should I stay and just take more and more resources?
I'm trying so hard not to act on my thoughts. I have made myself stay in my room all day to stop be going through with plans I'd made.
I did see the psychiatrist, but I was not feeling like this then. I came back to Uni, I realised how useless I was, and I just don't see a way out.
I don't want to tell people how I've been feeling. I just feel like a burden and I don't want to hurt other people. It's just all too much.
Thank you again for replying, it means so much to me. <3
You are a very valuable and precious person, and I wish you could see that.
You are a really lovely and caring person and you deserve to get well. You deserve that people do their best to try and help you and they want to help you because their lives are better for having you in it. I understand feeling worthless, maybe remind yourself that feeling that way does not make it true.
I am glad you are fighting so hard to keep yourself safe, lovely. It sounds like it was really hard.
What makes you feel like you are useless?
Maybe you need to consider to tell your uni how things are and see if they can offer some support. They might also be able to give advice for taking a break if you need one.
You are not a burden to anyone.
I understand how hard it can be to let others in and let them know how things are. I think if telling people is too stressful it is okay to not do it, but if there is even the slightest chance of it being helpful for you then please talk about things. You don't need to be alone in this and lots of people are happy to support you and to be there for you.
I don't like to see you struggle so much, but I rather have you post than being alone with this. <3
I can't add anything more to what Lana has said; but I completely agree with her <3
Did your psychiatrist advise anything?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thank you both very much for your replies. I don't have the brain power to reply, I will do so tomorrow when I have more brain power. But your words mean so so so much to me.
I also did admit to my mum that things are not going well. I'm going to try and call my Dad tomorrow and tell him the same thing.
I am sorry I don't have many words but I think you are a lovely person and I'm sending you all my strength and best wishes. I hope you can keep reaching out for help here too xx
Thank you so much for all the kind words Lana, it set off some tears the first time I read it! <3
I like to think that I am a caring person and that is why it would be better for me not to be here.
I feel useless as I can not be what my family want me to be. I can't function like the rest of the world. I'm dysfunctional and I'm just causing pain. Their lives would be easier, so much better, if I was just not here. If I was never born.
I'm scared about telling Uni, or taking a break. I'm scared Uni will say I can't come back, teachers are not allowed to do this. At home… My step-mum has told me to my face that she does not want me back for a long period of time. She said that I can only come back if I'm on training or education. Also, that as I've already repeat a year at A level, I cannot waste more of my life by repeating another year.
My Mum was okay about it. She really wanted me to come home the next day, but I just told her no. I've also got my appointment with CMHT tomorrow. Not at all sure what they will do. I feel like I need to be honest with them, as I'm just getting closer and closer to doing something permanent.
I've been trying so hard to stay safe… But I'm not sure how much longer I can be. I've not allowed to take my purse if I'm going out by myself. I've not been shopping because I know buy things to OD on. I'm also struggling with basic care for myself. I had my first shower in a week today because I've got CMHT tomorrow. I'm barley eating as I don't see the point. I'm also starting to shut my life down. I'm not sorting out catching up on placement and house for next year as in my mind I will not be here for those times.
Sorry for being moaning so much. Thank you for replying. <3
Had my CMHT assessment, I was so honest. It was really hard. She was very concerned and talked a lot about avoiding being admitted to hospital.
I've got the ring them tomorrow morning and say I'm driving down to my Dad's. She's also going to call my Dad and tell him she is worried about my safety. She said something about HTT being involved and she would have liked to start straight away, but should start after easter.
I'm not sure about staying at my Dads. It always makes me stressed. I've not got my own room anymore. I don't feel like I belong there. I just feel like I'm in the way.
The HTT will check in on you; either through phone calls or visits and just check you're staying safe. At least, that's what they did with me.
I can understand that feeling when your at your dad's, I feel the same at my parents.
How are you today?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
It is nice to know what they normally do, I'm not used to all of this! I feel bad that I'm going to be using their resources though. They should give them to someone who is deserving of them.
It's been a hard day. I'm struggling so much with motivation. I had a five hour drive home today and it took until 3 o'clock for me to leave as I just could not get out of bed, baring in mind I was supposed to leave yesterday but again I could not work up the motivation! The drive was also so hard. Kept getting thoughts/images about crashing my car into things to kill myself, like off the cliff and into bridges.
I'm just so tired of everything.
Edit: I'm feeling really selfish right now. I had my doggy in my bed with me and was all cuddled up and it was making me feel better and I was really looking forward to cuddling her all night. But then my stepbrother came up and called her and now him and his girlfriend are keeping her in his room even when she wanted to leave. I just wanted to have that cuddle. It lifts my heart up, it lets me think about something else. I know it's probably really silly, but I'm just really upset.
Last edited by Cersei : 06-04-2014 at 12:39 AM.
Reason: Adding without bumping.
I think HTT are similar to Crisis in some ways, if that gives you a better idea of how they work.
Don't feel bad about using resources, they are there to help you and they want to help you. Remember that it isn't you, but your support team that decides which resources you get access to. If they think they can't help you or you don't need them they will let you know, they wouldn't stick to treating someone who is wasting resources.
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with motivation.
I don't think it is silly to be upset over that, pets can be a great resource for comfort. They took away something that made you feel better and that is hard to deal with when you feel so low. I hope you can have the dog back for more cuddles soon.
