Hi,
From the beginning,
I was sexually abuse as a young child that lived a few doors down from me, my memories are sketchy as I dont recoll much of what happened. The abuse started about 6/7 year old to about 8/9 years old as well as this my mother was a violent alcoholic who regularly physically, emotionally and neglectfully abused me and my sister.
The first memories I have is being encouraged me to look, feel and play with his genitals which eventually led to him touching me although touching him was his preference things began to move on which is where my memories become abit more blurred.
After time he was able to get me partially undressed, play with him and preform oral sex on him which I have quick flashbacks but nothing 100% solid.
I two have two clear memorise one is all the children (he was 3/4 years older than me) on the street I lived playing in a bright yellow paddling pool in the summer he came out in some black swimming shorts and got in the pool it was a close neighbourhood so noone was worried and him pulling me between his legs close to him and rubbing himself against me and asking if I could feel it and whether I liked it.
The other memory is also my worst memory, theres a street party going in and Im home changing into my pajamas when he came up behind me and pushed me up against the foot of the bed where he push my chest flat on the bed and my feet flat on the floor then my legs buckling and I think I remember saying or crying somthing out loud then him backing away from me. my mum walks in not long after but is so drunk she just doesnt even register anything and walks back out the door again. After that I dont have clear memories just little flashes here and there.
I have noticed over the last 7 years in particularly since I got with my partner and became intimate with him that its like a mine field on the very rare occurrence that I become interested as soon as he touches me I become angry and just want him away from me, when he touches me I twitch and I cant stop until hes not near me, everytime he tries to be affectionate I have an uncontrollable urge to do something inappropriate like uncontrollable giggles or I have ro flick his ear anthing that makes him stop, which had develeoped into an uncontrollable urge to confront the abuser I want to know what he did to me I dont want just these sketchy hazy memories, I want to know why I behave the way I do in curtain situations and its becoming so regular and so strong that im just wondering if this is normal?, despite the fact that it was over 15 years or so ago, me actually accepting it as sexual abuse and not in some way my fault or that I made him do it in some way is relitivly new with the last few years, so I am kind of just asking anyone is this normal is it just delayed though non acceptance that now Ive triggered some kind of path and opened a door that I hadnt opened before???
Sorry about the really long post and content ive never spoken in detail before it kind of didnt stop coming through once I started
It sounds like you had a really difficult time growing up and I'm glad you've felt able to start talking about it here. I think it is quite common to not start processing abuse properly until some time later, sometimes when triggered by something like being intimate with a partner. Have you been able to tell your partner why you react in the way that you do? Would you consider seeking professional help with processing the abuse?
Hi Pi,
It was certainly challenging until recently I had always been able to keep going and pick myself up, its helped just been able to write it down.
Yeah i think that was the starting point where I have had to start dealing with it.
I have spoken to him about it but he doesnt understand why that makes a difference when its with him and woth the lack of sex he gets he gets frustrated and has sex with me in my sleep, hes not the most sympathetic of people we have a complicated relationship.
Yeah i have tried in the past and have been looking into centres around me but not actively decided which yet.
Are you saying that he has had sex with you while you were asleep? How do you feel about that? I don't want to alarm you or tell you what to think or anything, but that really isn't an OK thing for him to do.
I hope you find a centre that you will find helpful in terms of getting some help.
Hi
I was asleep I wake up eventually, I dont know hes undressing me or touchimg me aboce my waist, I only start to wake up when he goes below my waist or gets on top of me, hes figured out thats the only way to have sex with me as I say no when im awake, I dont like it makes me feel horrible about myself becuase I cant give him what he want ls and be a good girlfriend to him,
I know ive told him plenty of times but just says he wouldnt have to if I was normal and gave it to him regularly like a normal girlfriend.
Yeah i am hopfully going to a womens centre next week if all goes well
I'm glad you've got plans to go to a women's centre next week; I hope you find it helpful.
With regards to your boyfriend, that's really not OK. Yes, it may be frustrating to him that you don't share his interest in having sex, but to any decent person, no sex should be preferable to non-consensual sex, which is what he is initiating. I don't get to tell you what to do, but I would suggest having a think about this relationship if possible, as he's not treating you right.
Hi,
So do I, hoping they are able to help me work though my rape.
I know its not okay but if I was a better girlfriend and acted kike a normal girlfriend he wouldnt do the things that he doe
I tell her to leave, but Its a difficult situation as my boyfriend has issues himself he has sociopathic tendencies he doesnt have normal emotions, feelings or reactions to things he doesnt realate to people on an emotional level like he tore the ligament in my hand and thought it was funny
This all sounds very worrying =S Whatever his issues, it doesn't justify is behaviour.
What are the positives of this relationship? Does he make you happy?
I know it does, I know but he cant help it.
Hes the best boyfriend in the world when hes been nice he supports me so much more than I can to him, he has had to support me financially, keeping me out of debt and feeding me when my mum didnt, I wouldnt have got to where I am without him helping me, he has had to deal with my mood swings, my sleep problems the endless health issues I have, the no sex drive and not getting sex, my attachment issues, commitment issues.
He makes me happy when hes not hurting me, calling me names and saying things about my family or friends
It sounds really complicated and it must be really scary not knowing whether he's going to hurt you or be kind. Being a great boyfriend some of the time doesn't make up for being abusive (I know that's a scary word, but I think it is justified to use it in this instance). Is he remorseful about the times when he has been unkind?
Sorry didnt see the notification, it is, yeah im constantly having to assess his mood before I do anything, yeah i know ive only recently thought of it been abuse I knew it wasnt normal but I didnt think it was abuse just thought it was just me not being a normal girlfriend, no always twists it to be my fault and blames me, I have been to the womens centre today which has opened my eyes a little but now I just feel even more confused and lost with the situation that im in :-/
I'm glad that visiting the womens centre has opened your eyes, although I can understand that starting to properly understand the situation you're in sometimes feels like a worse option than being oblivious to it! Have you considered leaving him?
We're here if you want to talk through any of it. I know it's a lot to process.
Mylastkiss- ive given 8 years of my life to him and we do have good times its not all bad, some of my best memories are with him.
Pi.R- yeah im going to one of there groups on Tuesday maybe that might help me to understand abit more, I dunno what to do right now part of me wants to stay try work things out because we have been together so long others like I know he/ the situation isnt going to change woll only get worse and then another just doesnt know what to do, thank you I appreciate the time you have giveen to reply to me
How did the group go?
I know it's a very hard decision, but I think it sounds like you know that this isn't right and do you really want to give any more years of your life to this relationship?
Hi Pi,
It got cancelled we got heavy snow so beace of the age group they cancelled it, was gutted took me all day to build the courage to go, got to go through it all again tomorrow .
I dont want to carry on with how it is now, I made the mistake of going to see him now my heads in a mess again, so much conflict between my loyalty to him, my happiness and my health and wellbeing feel like im back at square one
Mylastkiss- ive given 8 years of my life to him and we do have good times its not all bad, some of my best memories are with him.
I understand that it's not an easy decision. But to my knowledge the best thing to do is to leave someone that abuses you. They never become better. You always have the good memories even if you leave him.
Take care
I know how hard it can be when you feel so conflicted about a relationship. Trust me when I say you deserve so much more, you might not feel like it now, but you deserve to be treated right.
Your issues with sex don't make you a 'bad' girlfriend, or abnormal, you've suffered in ways most people don't have to. I don't think you will ever be able to move on from your trauma while you are in your current relationship. I know there will have been good times, but from the little you've said there is far too much bad.
It strikes me how you make excuses for his behaviour in that you say he has 'sociopathic tendencies' and doesn't process emotions the same, yet don't allow yourself any excuses for your issues and hold a lot of blame to yourself.
If you haven't already please do engage with the women's centre, a relationship should be one of love and support to one another, which is clearly not what you're getting.
You're so much stronger than you think, you don't need someone like that breaking you down all the time.
Oh god I want to hear you say,
I want to hear you say that you were wrong again
This is the first thing
I have understood:
Time is the echo of an axe
Within a wood.
. 
