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Old 12-06-2009, 11:15 PM   #1
white_silent_darkness
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Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Something I must do

I have to write this out....

From the age of about 7 till I was about 14, I was abused by my brothers and from the age of 11/12 until I was 15/16 I was abused by my grandad - I kept the abuse a secret until I was 16, but only spoke out about who when I was 17.

It mostly happened at his house. It wasn’t that bad I suppose. Well not compared to what others have been through and what my brothers were doing to me. It started with him putting his arms round me. At first, he just put his hands there, but then he held my chest - he felt and squeezed them.

When I moved into the house I am in now, we needed to build a breakfast bar/worktop thingy. While my Mum was at work, he was “looking after me” and building it. I helped. He laid on top of me - he said he liked it :’(

Also, when we were at his house, he use to kiss me Not like the normal kiss between a grandparent and grandchild, more like what a couple would :’(

Sometimes he use to put his hand at the top of my leg while we were sitting down.

One time her made out like we were playing a game. I didn’t like it from the start though. He put his mouth on my knee and blew Asked if I could feel the heat. He did that a few times, but then did it down there :’( I just froze.

He use to come round each week for Sunday dinner. My Mum told me to go and show him something in my room - I really didn’t want to go because I was scared of being alone with him. I knew he wouldn’t do anything with my brother only a few feet away. I was thankful when he was there. But then he went downstairs. I didn’t see him go, but my grandad must have noticed. I was standing by my door. He stood behind me. He put his hand round and touched me down there. I was clothed. I just froze. I should have called out, but I didn’t. I couldn’t speak or do anything :’(

When he would say goodbye (my Mum was there in the hall but she didn’t see) he would put his hand down there while kissing me goodbye.[/font]

He would say to me if I let him touch me then he would buy me something. I refused every time. I just wanted to run away. Even though I refused he bought it anyway. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want anything from him! Well, apart from him to leave me alone!!! He use to give it to me infront of my Mum. I had to accept it L

He use to treat me to things all the bloody time! I ****ing hated it .

Brothers:

Not really sure how it started. The first thing I remember is them running up and down the landing not wearing anything. I was in my bed. My door was open, so I could see them. They were laughing. I laughed to. Thought it was a game. I don’t know if this is tied up with what they did or not, but I guess it wasn’t a thing to do as I was only little.

They would touch me down there with their fingers.

I developed at a younger age than “normal”. When I developed breasts they use to touch them. The pain of them growing was bad enough, but to have someone squeezing them L

They didn’t just touch me. They use to get me to touch them too. They got me to wank them and suck them. I remember when they first said to me ‘suck my ****’ I did what they asked and sucked it. Of course, at the time I didn’t know what they meant. I did what they said. Looked so angry with me! How the hell was I meant to know?? I was just a little girl.

They didn’t just touch me with their fingers. They touched me with their mouths too.

Also, they shoved their fingers up me too. The pain of that L I didn’t know what was happening. I could feel the tears welling up. After they had gone, I cried. I was so confused. They tried using objects too. More pain came with that!

They wanted to shove their penises up there. I said no. They tried to persuade me to do it. I felt so scared. They put the end of their penis in, but that’s as far as it went. I know they wanted sex. All they did was do it on the outside instead (outtercourse).

I am so ashamed of the fact that my body reacted to the abuse. I use to blame myself for what happened partly because my body reacted to it in those ways. I blame myself for “enjoying it” I blamed myself because I let it happen. I blamed myself because I went back knowing what would happen if I did.

I cant accpet this really. I can just about accept that something happened. That I was SA'd I cant accept what my friends say (That I was R*ped)


Last edited by white_silent_darkness : 12-06-2009 at 11:20 PM. Reason: Errors - Showed coding


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Old 12-06-2009, 11:55 PM   #2
silverfaerychild
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Hun...any form of Abuse is bad....

but you have a right to be sad/angry with the people who let you down and betrayed you...the way they did

*hugs* words can change the past...but actions can help you move forward...but moving forward and being able to accept what really happend happend...and it will take ALOT of time...

i am sorry for what you had to go through *hugs*



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Old 13-06-2009, 08:04 AM   #3
moonprincessanita
 
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I'm so sorry. I can relate to you though. My "sister" molested me when she was like 15 and i was 7. it went on for a number of years and only a few people know. I didn't really understand what she was doing and I went along with it. She used to put her fingers in me and use her mouth on me and have me do it back to her. She had me touch younger boys at one point and told them to do things to me too. But she threatened me never to tell or she'd kill me. I'm sorry this happened to you. PM me if you want to talk.

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Old 13-06-2009, 12:19 PM   #4
Popple
 
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*cuddles*
Well done for writing that out it was very brave.
How do you feel now you have written it?
What happened was wrong and you did not deserve it, I know its hard but try not to worry about your body reacting to it, its a natural reaction you couldn't have controlled it and it certianely does not mean you enjoyed it.
Your friends are right sweetie, I know it is hard to accept and that might take a long time but it was wrong, you were just a child you couldn't have understood what was happening and sometimes we go back or do things we want to because we are scared it doesn't mean its your fault for going back or not telling anyone, you were manipulated not to.
Have you ever spoke to a proffessional about this? You don't have to deal with this on your own love.
Take care of yourself
x



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Old 13-06-2009, 06:57 PM   #5
Katiee
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I'm so sorry you had to go through that! *cuddles you*
I'm glad you are able to write it all out, it's a good way of expressing it all instead of keeping it all inside. Well donee, sweetie.
Do you have a counsellor or someone you could talk to, maybe talking about it with someone might help you accept and come to terms with it? Hope you're alright. I'm here if you need anything. xo.



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Old 13-06-2009, 10:38 PM   #6
ghosts in the machine
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It wasn't your fault sweetie; your grandfather was the adult, HE was the one who was responsible in that situation. It wasn't like you were throwing yourself at him either -you did not encourage him at all.

As for 'enjoying' it... I've beat myself up plenty for the same reason. All I can say is that your body is wired up to respond that way if given certain sexual stimulation. It in no way implies that you enjoyed/encouraged/wanted the experience. This thread here says it in a much better way than I could.

Stay safe x


Last edited by ghosts in the machine : 13-06-2009 at 10:55 PM.


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Old 15-06-2009, 01:37 PM   #7
white_silent_darkness
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I just wanted to say thank you so much for replying. It does mean a lot that you did. Sorry, I can't say much right now. But I will come back to it when I feel more able to. x



RYL Family :
White_angel is my big sister
Bookworm3009 is my cousin
White_silence is my little sister
Bubblegum Netmeg is my pet monkey

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Old 15-06-2009, 05:26 PM   #8
Popple
 
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Don't worry about not replying much, take your time there is no rush.



You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.


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