Ten years on. There is hope.
Hi,
I have just been going through some old emails and discovered one from here, from ten years ago now.
I was on this site back when it was 'Ruin Your Life', uplifting name I know, glad it's changed!
I have no idea what I'm doing, or if I'm even writing in the right section but I just felt compelled to have a look and to just let people know just how much things can change.
I also feel like I owe a lot to this site. Back when I was very ill I was on it a lot, mainly just reading what other people had to say, but I was constantly checking everyday. Thinking back maybe not so healthy at the time I was so young and impressionable and in a really dark place. I feel it made me dwell on SH and it became a huge part of me and my life, almost taking over it. Something I was not only doing daily, but also thinking and talking about it.
Although I was using the site probably too much, it was through this, and my terrible attempts at deleting my internet history that I got 'found out' so to speak. I cursed ever coming on here. I was mortified, however it was blessing in disguise. During this time I was distraught, and I posted on here and the support and encouragement really pulled me through. I ended up finally getting the treatment I needed and on the path to recovery. I gradually stopped coming on here and following time as an in patient and many years of therapy, with a lot of help off a great deal of people I did recover. I have my odd time here and there, but ten years later I'm...OK.
I don't know why I've wrote all this. Or if anyone will be at all interested, probably not!
But I just can remember so clearly how I felt when I was on here. How never ending it all seemed, and how impossible everything felt. I never dreamed things would be ok. That I'd end up working things out eventually. I've seen some posts, people describing exactly what used be going through my head on a daily basis. Now it all seems so far away.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel awful some days, some feelings never go away completely. I'm (and I'm sure a lot of you are like me) always going to be a very sensitive person, emotional and find it difficult to deal with so many things. I still have my really bad moments. I think I'll always be hypersensitive and catastrophize. However I can cope without hurting myself anymore. Its been so gradual I haven't noticed. I've got so slowly better over a long time it's shocked even me.
So that's why I wanted to share this. I just want people to have some hope. Things can be so good, and no one knows what their future can hold.
Ten years from now you can be a completely different person, with a completely different life, looking back thinking, 'Thank God I didn't do anything stupid. I got through it.' I'm ashamed to admit that I tried to 'end it' on a few occasions during my time just before and during my time hospital. And I just can't believe it. I think so often of all the amazing things I would have missed that have happened since.
So just hold on. Try not to get consumed by it all. Anyone can build an amazing future, experience great things. It may feel like the end of the world now, but most of you will have another 60/70/80 years to live! There's a lot of time for change, and for you to be happy.
Sorry for the length of this, and if it sounds preachy or patronising, that was not my intention. I just really wish I had realised this when I was going through hard times, when I was so young. I'm sure a time machine would do us all a bit of good!
I don't know if I'll really come back on this much now, but good luck to anyone who suffering at the minute and hold on for a better future. It'll come, eventually. Things can't be this sh*t forever! One day you'll be at some amazing party/ travelling to beautiful places/ meeting someone you love and think how glad you are you got through this to be able to experience these things. As I so often do.
X
|