ok this is a stupied pdate but i had to talk to get it out or i will scream. its christmas the familoy has just finished the presents thing. god this after noon/evening has been horrible. i spent about 2 hours in my room crying telling myself that its christmas and im not alowed to cut on christmas and somhow i was stronge enough not to, ok i scratched a lot instead but i didn't cut. then i had togo down to dinner and things just got worse the christmas cheer just got to me and i went all sulky which hurt my family but it was either that or shout at them all. during present opening time thing we do i had a flash back, maybe it was because i wasn't thinking about preventing it or somthing but iv never had a flash back infront of my family before (at lest not without being able to leave and deal with it on my own) but i had to sit there trying not to cry out or look too scared or hypervenalt, with them all being cheerful around me.
i think im getting worse not better, im not suicidal i know i couldn't do that to my family but everytime i go to sleep im hoping i will not wake again, is that really so diffrent.
i dont really know what im expecting to happen i guees i always thought if you had a problem you talked to a counciler and you gradualy got better, i have never reached out for help befor and now i have to so many people and nobody seems able to help me, im not gradualy getting better im gradualy getting worse. im scared where it will end. i just hurt so fing much and i want it to stop, thats all i want and i dont think thats so much to ask, for life to be as it was befor to not be scared over everything and everyone, to not be afriad to go to sleep, to not have nightmares or flash backs, to not cut just to get a break from the pain. just to be normal again, i guess thats not somthing i deserve anymore. but the screaming in my head is driving me mad
It will get better... sometimes these things have to get worse first
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I wish I could think of something to advice you or to help...
have you considered reaching out for help? maybe not till after you leave after christmas. but it may be an idea to look into
I can understand the "christmas cheer" getting to you... I'm having the same issue... everyone's happy and I feel bad, and the fact that everyone's happy makes the feeling bad feel worse...
but just try to take it a day at a time. maybe try to keep busy, may help
i use grounding tecniques and they do really help, if i didn't have them id be screaming or crying everytime the flashbacks happend which is still several times a day, as it is i can normal hide them until i can get out of the room.
i have reached out to anyone i can think of, the doc told me to get over it and gave me sleeping pills, my friends say they want to help but dont know how or just tell me to get over myself, my counciler has said to my face she doesn't think she can help me and apologised for this and i got persaded to tell me mum the other day (shouldn't have lissened) and she did even react she is carriying on like normal as though i hadn't told her.
there is nobody left to reach out to, there is no help, and i really really need it, im in such a dark place and im so scared im never goning to get out.
please is there anyone else who could help me, i cant stop shaking and i just want it to stop hurting, i just wish i wouldn't wake up tomorrow then it would stop hurting. why is it i can scream so lound in my head and yet nobody hears it.
god i dont know if this is christmas or what but im so lost in the dark and im so scared.........please....
i dont know i just feel like iv given up, this pain is here to stay and nobody can or will help (btw i dont blame my mum she not a strong person she proably cant cope with this and blocked it out)
i hae the way i feel in what the hurting to stop more than anything but at the same time how given up hope that it will. does that make anysense?
im not used to useing for help, and suddenly im screaming for it and i've relised just how alone i am and have its really not ok like i thought it was, i need somthing or sombody, all my support is RYL and i dont think it will be enough. i will have to learn to live with the pain and keep hoping i dont wake up again. iguess im just seeing the world for the first time, its so dark and cold and lonly and it hurts so much you scream till you choke.
I would try two things: first, get a new counselor. If she knows she can't help you, then ask her to recommend someone that can. The second thing I would do is find a psychiatrist. I don't remember if this was mentioned before and you said the waiting list was too long, but even if that is so, I think the waiting will be worth it. I was really surprised at how much finding the right medication helped me. It wasn't a first try deal, but I did find ones that helped and I really think it is the only reason I am no longer suicidal.
I know its hard to ask for help, especially when you have asked and not been taken serously, but you deserve to get the support you need, so try to keep asking and not give up...
im not going to see my counciler in almost a month! i feel incredibaly alone right now, im far from all my support and i think im sinking. who can help?
iv been so good, i havn't done it since monday night...i have resisted this long. please i dont want to have more cuts tomorrow but i need to be numb. i really need it, help.
im fighting myself, how can i win! its coming to get me...
i know, one day at a time, but i just feel so ashamed everyday i look down to see more red lines. im so worried my mum will see soon, there is to many to explain with a fall or the cat.
again thanks for your thoughts you can't know how much it means to me
two days then i go to a friends for a week then another week with my parents, eepp another week!!!
i know how she would react, she would cry and be so confussed aas to why i do this. and shed tell my dad who would be so angrgy and 'disapointed' hed lock me up in my room and take all sharp things away. he'd think he was helping, id hurt them both end up a prisioner unable to cut and then id go mad.
im just not sure how much longer i can hide it, im wearing long sleaves all the time but they do sometimes roll up and if they see.. i dont even want to think about it.
not sure how deep you cut, but if they aren't too deep then if you put cream on them it can sometimes make them less red, which may make it less obvious. with it being winter you may be able to get away with wearing 2 layers which may also make them less likely to be seen/noticed
I know how stressful and worrying trying to keep them hiden can be... and i also know ho whard trying to not SI is... so maybe these methods could take some of the pressure off and make the rest easier...
i dont cut deep, what cream is it that would help? atm i put antiseptic on so they dont get infected.
im wearing as many layers as i dare without making it obvious thats what im doing.
i've found germoline can reduce the redness, not sure why...
tea tree oil is meant to be good too. though don't put it on until the cuts scabbed or at least stopped bleeding... it used to be used a lot for reducing inflammation, healing wounds and the easing of pain. witch hazel is apparently good too, people often use it to get rid of redness after waxing, never tried that one myself though
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