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Old 05-08-2011, 11:14 AM   #81
lozza
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thank you aimee, as always it really helps a lot!!!

some good news though everyone:) I had work today and AND AND... my main supervisor... drum roll please!!!! offered me a possible position for a new program that the organisation is offering next year... AND she offered it to me first!!!!!!!!
she also said that after my time with them runs out (half way through this school term) that I can continue working in supported playgroup as a volunteer

so yes work was good and I even stole an 8 week old baby from her mum for a period of time and was able to be really mindful in that and just enjoy the experience!!!

I think being able to msg T when ever I want has been extremely helpful as I have had such horrible and distressing situations with many people I have learnt to trust just leaving me...

shandy - I think I have heard of something similar to jenga before but cant think of the name.... or maybe its just called something different over here in Oz land?

and aimee - I am glad I wasnt the only one that had to do the walking around... how did you find that exercise?



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 05-08-2011, 11:24 AM   #82
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eeee yay so much positive news today, the position and the mindfulness with the baby, being able to enjoy the moment :) proud of you !! Very good practice of your skills :D

Lozza, we call it jenga too ^_^
Unless it's the generic brand, which I don't know what that's called.

I found the walking around thing actually a bit odd/confronting cause I realised I was soo busy trying to race, my mind automatically turned it into a race so I had to really try and focus on each step and such. Others reported feelings of being slow and taken over, so it was pretty provocative in the sense it was a good example of the mind's love of judgement!

xxxx <3

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Old 05-08-2011, 03:19 PM   #83
dontwantyoutoknow
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Congrats on the job thing Loz!!

Do you mean Uno Stacko? I've attached pictures of both for you. xx
Attached Images
File Type: jpg unostacko.jpg (9.7 KB, 58 views)
File Type: jpg jenga.jpg (8.7 KB, 3 views)





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Old 06-08-2011, 03:28 AM   #84
lozza
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it is too loud and I cant fight it anymore

The following content has been hidden - Reason : conflict in head **graphic**

emotional mind:
fucking cut already... you are so fat and ugly just look at what you have become! grab your tools (you may need new ones too though... must make sure they are sharp enough to do the fucking job fat bitch!) carve the names into your fat ugly disgusting thighs. "fat" "ugly" "disgusting" "peice of shit" "fucking fat bitch!"

are these judgements or fact though... well I would say just judgements but when you find you can no longer fit into your new and favourite clothes... these judgements are fast becoming facts!!!!

....I put my scripts in yesterday... got home and discovered I have over x boxes of S medication doesnt really help the suicidal thoughts but its exciting cuz I am 1 up over everyone else!!!
I want to ask pdoc for another script of V. I dont need to but just think of the damage I'd cause if I took everything and at once

reasonable mind but still very much emotional:
dont cut. dont hurt yourself. compromise... drink and numb and escape all these horrid thougths and feelings!!!

emotional mind:
hurt yourself. kill yourself. dont you dare waste another second taking up space and air that other people deserve and need so much more than you. don't fight. this is a waste. you will never ever become anyone decent or good. you need death and you need to not be alive anymore. there will be no freedom for you... only in death will you be happy.


how am I meant to fight this?
how the hell am I meant to just say no?

I cant do it
sorry


Last edited by lozza : 08-08-2011 at 08:46 AM.


sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 07-08-2011, 03:19 AM   #85
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feeling really not good right now... and the bloody worker was gona come into my room cuz I wasnt answering her... arrghhh

I only give graham my key worker... teresa cuz I know her and trust her.. and norma cuz shes just lovely and will do it anyway permission to come into my room!! not bernie... dont get me wrong or anything shes nice and all but she just always makes things worse for me head wise :(

I am terrified of seeing my pdoc tomorrow... have printed the posts out and know I should show her but I cant I cant go back in IP I just cant!!!

what the hell is wrong with me?

I should be so happy with being offered the new position at work for next year but yet here I am just wanting to kill myself!!!! I dont know how much longer I can keep putting it off for.. sorry



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 07-08-2011, 07:54 AM   #86
Snow White.
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Please pelase please, keep trying to stay safe. When is your appointment with your pdoc? Please show them the posts you printed off, you need them to know the truth to how you're feeling (especially the one above about what your emotional mind is saying) and they need to know so they can help you.

Can you please show her the posts?

Keep on trying Lozza, you've got through these feelings before and you can do it again. This won't last forever and you're doing a great job now. Just focus on the moment as best you can.

Thinking of you <3 xxxxx

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Old 07-08-2011, 02:28 PM   #87
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Please keep fighting hun, you will get through this. I hope you show your pdoc the posts you have printed off *cuddles*



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 07-08-2011, 11:36 PM   #88
Snow White.
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Hey lozza, good luck for your appointment today. Text me if you need to.
How are you feeling?
Xxx

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Old 08-08-2011, 08:18 AM   #89
lozza
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I dont even know what I was expecting with showing my pdoc what I had written... nothing happened, she just tried telling me again to please call someone before I did anything.

maybe I am ok? maybe I am safe and I am making all this up??

but the feelings are so real and the plans are becoming more vivid and scary. never before have I studied the train time table so much and really thought about perfect times and the perfect spot. fuck what is wrong with me?

I saw my gp this arvo and I almost gave her a heart attack - whoops!! (my blood pressue was too high apparently)
in the end I told her I self harmed last week and that she should probably look at my arm... I also told her what happened at work last week when I was outside and I let her read what I showed my pdoc...

shes worried my arm will become infected and so wants to see me again on thursday (I usually just see her weekly) but I cant help but think she just wants to 'check in' with me to see how I am.

she told me I had to call someone... even if it was a helpline or an ambulance before I found myself at the train tracks... I nodded in agreement but my heart was not in it.
N also tried to make me promise last night to call KHL if things woserened for me on the scale and I got to a 9 (right now I am an 8 and last night I was a 7) N wants me to call her tomorrow when she is on shift.

If I was to be really really honest... I would tell the truth and say that in the past when I have been really suicidal there has been two things that have stopped me each and every time... my baby girl jackie who sadly passed away may last year, and my old counsellor V who I had to stop seeing before I started the DBT program.

now both jackie and V are out of my life and I am finding it harder to keep fighting my head to stay safe and not act on the suicidal thoughts... and whats even scarier is that I dont think people know this.

I know that my pdoc believes in me and really thinks I will be safe and ok... and I also know that I really feel I have formed a strong connection already with T my DBT psych... and my gp, Y, I'm shocked and suprised she hasnt yet ran away from me so I am starting to feel like I can really trust her too.

but I am scared this is not enough

I dont know what else to do



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 08-08-2011, 10:58 AM   #90
crazykat
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Your not making this up, the fact that they told you to ring someone if you need to shows that they do know your struggling. Please do tell them if things do get worse for you. Hold in there hun



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."


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Old 08-08-2011, 12:48 PM   #91
lozza
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thanks guys

sorry i dont know what to say right now

just feel numb
The following content has been hidden - Reason : *SH trigger*
and need to drag the blade hard across my skin. feel something. cut a vein or something.


so tired and exhausted though so I know that is not likely
but the images are strong. I can almost visualise it happening and feel the sharp pain from it

I think I just need to go to bed... but I wont sleep, I couldnt last night and tonight the thoughts are way louder :s




sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 08-08-2011, 04:21 PM   #92
dontwantyoutoknow
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Loz,

Please please please PLEASE find a worker or go to a hospital or phone an ambulance if you find yourself any where near heading for the train tracks.

You are so much stronger than all of this. You CAN fight this. I spent all of last night doing our distractions for you. You're SO special and I absolutely cannot go on without you. There ARE other things to live for. Your friends, your DBT psych, the kids you work with, your new job...

I love you so very much. x





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Old 09-08-2011, 12:06 AM   #93
lozza
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thanks my beautiful mj and sorry

I am trying I am... I actually fell asleep last night thinking what it would be like if I spoke to and told my key worker all this stuff... I had it all planned out... telling him we needed to talk but i didnt feel comfortable talking in the house in case another resi overheard... but now that it is morning I just cant even find the right words to say that
I have already seen him twice this morning when he has been walking by (currently sitting in the hallway trying my hardest to stay grounded and present)

I finally got your distraction mj..... I loved it and its amazing how different 2 people can veiw hunger!!! thank you also for the post card :)

right now.... right now I ummmm...
no words to really describe what is happening inside me right now but it is day time now so surely that means I will be safe?

night time is when the bitch comes out to play
but as long as I keep doing what I am doing? I will be ok wont I? won't I?

I am really not looking forward to calling N.. I wonder if I can just forget she is working? maybe? maybe???



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 09-08-2011, 04:53 AM   #94
lozza
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so apparently I do have what I need med wise to kill me (or at least put me in a coma if that fails!!!) N called posionous info and well yeh...

the scale has now been brought down (due to how badly I am feeling and the fact that if I o/d it could potentialy be fatel) so if I get to an 8.5... thats when she says I gotta call them back and she doesnt care if she has to take my call more than once in a day if she has too
ella is not liking her one bit and so tomorrow I am calling B instead of her. although I am worried about calling B cuz on sunday night N sent her an email telling her about my sui plans and how I was currently feeling
and well the supervisors there know too

B knows me inside out and I am so scared of her getting the other stuff out of me... I told N some of it but couldnt say more. wasnt allowed.
I dont want to let B down but I just I dont know? its too much right now



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 09-08-2011, 11:33 AM   #95
lozza
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you are not an awful friend at all lovely. if anything you are being amazing and I am very lucky to have you around!!! *cuddles lots*



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 09-08-2011, 11:36 AM   #96
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Please ring someone if you need. Thinking of you xxx



"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
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Old 09-08-2011, 11:42 AM   #97
lozza
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I wasnt even thinking about o/ding on the meds but now I know how much damage they could cause me:s

trying. trying. trying.



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 09-08-2011, 11:57 AM   #98
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refuse to give them to anyone but dont worry... I wont do anything tonight cuz I need to talk to B and she is on shift tomorrow... so am really hanging onto that right now



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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Old 09-08-2011, 12:05 PM   #99
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my sweetheart I'm so sorry that I haven't been here for you, I love you so much I just dont have the words right now, I wish that I could say something to take your pain away you do NOT deserve this, no matter what your head says. I really hope that you can talk to B. Please feel free to text/call me and I will do my best to battle my head and reply. Please keep fighting, you mean so much to me, and to a lot of other people on here as well as in real life. *gentle cuddles*

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Old 09-08-2011, 12:13 PM   #100
lozza
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ally!!!! *cuddles you lots and lots*
I am trying... just finding it really hard with my head right now and I am so tired of the vomiting and dissociation. its exhausting and is wearing me down:(

isabelle.... N knows about the meds and seeing as she emailed B about my sui plans and stuff on sun night... I can gurentee she would have done the same after i called her today :( (B is my main counsellor at khl and N is my 2nd one)

I dont know what to think right now.. I dont even know what I feel like doing right now :(



sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ٠·˙~


my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10


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