I do not want this.

[Auror.]

I know I'm probably a broken record. For anyone who hasn't read my other thread, my medical doctor is essentially forcing me into treatment for an eating disorder that I do not even think I have.

A place has accepted me into a day treatment program on a trial basis, and chances are if I do not go that she's going to put me on a psych hold (equivalent of a section) to have me inpatient in general psych if I am not too medically unstable. A friend has explained that if I go and do not actually eat things there, they are probably going to want me inpatient as well; that the trial means that they think I might require a "higher level of care." (That's an official term; I have learnt.)

I do not want to do this. At all. I have emailed the place questions and they have not responded. But I know enough to know that 11 hours a day EVERY day is not something I am okay with. Plus it starts at like 7/8am and I do not do mornings because I have insomnia and issues sleeping. It is group based and I do not do well with other humans. I have enough trouble opening up with professionals on an individual basis.

I am not okay with this. Money issues aside. Not okay with it.

I think I need to be dead. I do not know what to do. My dog is ill. Again. They are doing more tests this time to see if they can figure out an underlying cause, since it keeps happening. I do not see how they will when it is obvious that I am toxic to her.

I know I am a broken record but I am scared and overwhelmed and I do not want to be forced into doing things I am not okay with. The only reason I am even considering it (even though being dead feels like the best option) is because at least it is not being in a hospital 24/7 and I would be able to be home with my dog at night.

New therapist is not useful with any of this. She never even spoke to the place, and had no opinion on whether I should do it or not, only just said I should consider the consequences either way. They phoned her to try to speak to her before deciding whether to take me for partial or not, and she never returned their call. This is all my medical doctor's doing.

I do not want to keep hurting people or putting people in danger and people do not seem to believe me that I am doing the things I am doing to try to keep others safe. I am not lying. A big part of this is the fact that I am not dead and at least if I were dead everyone else would be safe and things would maybe be okay.

I am sorry for being a shit person and I am sorry for making another emo woe thread of crap but I do not know where else to go with this or what to do and I literally have nobody to ask outside of here.

[chinahorse]

I think if it's not an ed then show them that. Eat, gain to healthy etc.

It sounds like you need more psych input though. Is anything g else being offered.?

It may take them a day or 2 to get back to the email so try be patient.

[Auror.]

The partial place would have a psychiatrist that I would see, as well as a therapist and nutritionist/dietician. That said, I do not want to take medication. I never have been comfortable with the idea and I probably never will be and I know they are going to push it.

The only other option being offered is inpatient which is worse.

The place said that they would like me to start as soon as possible, so I guess I do not understand why it would take them so long to respond with information. It seems misleading to make it sound important and somewhat urgent but then to not respond with information that would help me make a decision.

Plus everything with school is a giant mess, which also messes up everything with money and my job and my family has no idea about any of this.

I know I did this to myself and I got myself in this mess but there is not really a getting out of this. Being dead really seems like the only option that is possible and I even told this to my new therapist yesterday. I get I talk about being dead a lot so it just gets blown off which is useful because most of the time I am not actually serious but then when I am serious well it gets blown off. I make no sense.

[glitterfairy]

This may seem harsh but hear me out.

I've read your post in the ED page you don't want this?

You said you can't handle 11 hour days as day patient. Now what would be worst 11 hours or 24 hours which inpatient would be.

It looks like the only choice you have what ever your decision is day patient or inpatient. Would it be any loss just to give the 7 day trial a go?

From what I heard you get more of a say with day patient than what you would inpatient.

You say about school/work. Inpatient you wouldn't be able to do it anyway.

Seriously give the trail a go and see what happens.

[Auror.]

No. I do not want to do this. At all. I am pretty sure I said that in the other thread too. I am considering partial because it is better than ip but I am not being given much choice. It is literally a lesser of two evils thing. I am really not getting any say in this.

It is not a 7 day trial. It is that you literally go every day including weekends. The trial part is apparently for them to "get to know me and see if I can complete meals while in programming" whatever that means. My friend explained it that they think I probably do need inpatient or residential but are willing to let me try this first.

I appreciate the response but you are not telling me anything I do not already know and have not already acknowledged. Perhaps I am missing something.

[sherlock holmes]

I understand how impossible this is for you, or at least I can understand a little. Honestly, I think you need a lot of help. You can't carry on as you have been and if you want to die then why not give yourself a month or two in treatment before making any set plans? The only way to go from here is up (though it will be hard at the beginning). I really do think with the right support you can start to feel better and manage stuff.

[Buttons.]

I know this seems so, so scary and uncertain right now but I would strongly suggest giving it a shot, it seems the negative consequences of not going outweigh the negative consequences of going-perhaps try and make a pros and cons list (maybe with a friend, so that perhaps they can see pros and cons that it's hard for you to see right now, with so much going on).

To be honest this sounds like it has the potential to be a great opportunity, although I do honestly understand how it might not seem that way. You will have so much support there and although working through things you've kept to yourself for so long is bound to feel strange it might be the sheltered environment you need to safely explore difficult thoughts and feelings and find healthier coping mechanisms to deal with them.

Even if you don't feel you have an ED, it doesn't mean you can't utilise the psychiatric and emotional support there to try and help with mood/thought issues and when it comes to meals/dietician etc maybe they can just help you with the eating relating behaviour patterns which are making people believe you have an ED.

Please try and give it a shot. You are such a lovely, caring, funny, intelligent person. You deserve to live a happy fulfilling life.

[Auror.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sherlock holmes

I understand how impossible this is for you, or at least I can understand a little. Honestly, I think you need a lot of help. You can't carry on as you have been and if you want to die then why not give yourself a month or two in treatment before making any set plans? The only way to go from here is up (though it will be hard at the beginning). I really do think with the right support you can start to feel better and manage stuff.

Being forced to do things that are unacceptable and put other people in danger, on top of everything else already going on with school, plus the financial issues that are going to happen and potentially losing my job means that waiting is not ideal. It is not that I want to die. But I do not want to hurt anyone else and if I literally am not going to have money to pay rent, etc., no job, and no way to be able to go back to school then I might as well be dead. That was the one good thing I had (besides my dog who I consistently make ill so that is selfish of me to stay alive for). I am not saying it is not my own fault or trying to place blame elsewhere, just that I did this and made this mess and it is not something that it is possible to get out of.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buttons.

I know this seems so, so scary and uncertain right now but I would strongly suggest giving it a shot, it seems the negative consequences of not going outweigh the negative consequences of going-perhaps try and make a pros and cons list (maybe with a friend, so that perhaps they can see pros and cons that it's hard for you to see right now, with so much going on).

To be honest this sounds like it has the potential to be a great opportunity, although I do honestly understand how it might not seem that way. You will have so much support there and although working through things you've kept to yourself for so long is bound to feel strange it might be the sheltered environment you need to safely explore difficult thoughts and feelings and find healthier coping mechanisms to deal with them.

Even if you don't feel you have an ED, it doesn't mean you can't utilise the psychiatric and emotional support there to try and help with mood/thought issues and when it comes to meals/dietician etc maybe they can just help you with the eating relating behaviour patterns which are making people believe you have an ED.

Please try and give it a shot. You are such a lovely, caring, funny, intelligent person. You deserve to live a happy fulfilling life.

In terms of pros and cons, the only pro I can find is that I would not be ip, and thus would be able to be home with my dog at night. Everything else is not good, would be a con, and really does not make it seem worth it. I may just tell my medical doctor I am not seeing her anymore. That would eliminate that part of the situation because if she is not my doctor she cannot force things.

Maybe I am missing something. I do not understand what makes being in an environment with other humans for a long period of time and being forced to do things I am in no way okay with sheltered.

I think you must have me mistaken for someone else. I am not a good human in any way.

Sorry for being so negative.

[MariaOlivia85]

You need to let these people know what YOU want to do, and how much it'll hurt your life if they make you do things you don't want to.

Unless you're a minor, as an adult they can't force you into anything you don't want to.

Tell them what you're telling us. You had some good examples on this thread, so why not use those for instance?

I'm just going to tell you something else while on the subject;

You are not to be blamed for your poor dogs illness. You're not toxic in any way, and you don't have an aura of toxicity around you.

Whatever is going on with your dog has nothing to do with your current condition.

It's good the doctors are doing some more tests so you'll know what really is going on.

Quote: " That said, I do not want to take medication. I never have been comfortable with the idea "

I understand this statement perfectly, as I think the same way about medicine and how its pushed down peoples throats even when it's not needed.

Take care, and stay firm!

[Uglyducklin]

I'm low on words but sending you a hug xx

[Auror.]

They have replied. On a Sunday. None of it is helpful. And seriously? I emailed on Thursday evening. They reply Sunday afternoon and again say they want me to start as soon as possible. Well maybe if you actually respond and give me information that is helpful to make a decision NOT three days later, and still say you have to have someone else look into things, I could actually make a decision.

What part of, they do not take my insurance that actually fully covers medical bills, that I have because I DO NOT HAVE MONEY, on top of apparently you are not allowed to work while doing this, makes any sense.

So you want me to pay medical bills. But I can't work to make money to pay you know things like rent and such. Let alone have money for medical bills, which normally I do not have to pay because I am poor enough to be allowed government insurance which makes it free.

I don't think I can even respond to this email politely. I should probably just go be dead now. I do not see this even being able to happen based on what they are saying.

[talaiporia]

Carmen, can you talk to your doctor about finding an affordable solution?

I do worry that you are quite unwell right down, and that if the choice is solely between this place, and being dead, then this place is a better option. People care about you very much, and if nothing else, it is worth a go, on the off chance it helps, because you have nothing to lose.

A while back you mentioned the other option was being inpatient. Is that still something you're considering? Would that be covered by insurance?

[Auror.]

There is everything that is actually good to lose - school and my job. I've told everyone for months that if I lose those I would have to kill myself.

I've told my dr that money is an issue and she just says well they take my main insurance. Yes. But not the one that covers everything. They do not seem to get it. Money is a major issue for me.

Same issue with where they would want me to go for IP. The only places that take my Medicaid I have been and are awful and do more harm than good because I am literally unable to eat or sleep there and they are meant for people in crisis. If they think I have an eating disorder none of he staff there would know what to do with it since they are literally just for stabalising people in/after crisis.

This is literally an impossible situation.

[sherlock holmes]

Can your family help out with money? I know you dont like telling them things, but surely if your mum knew you were facing suicide because you cant afford hospital then she'd want to help?

[Auror.]

My mom already gives me quite a bit of money for rent and bills under the condition that i am in school and working part time. I cannot ask her for more and to then also start having to pay for tuition next year. Just to cover what I would not be making from work and then additional doggie daycare would double what she gives me a month, and then there would be medical bills too. It's not financially possible. My dad barely makes ends meet as is.

My mom does not understand this stuff. Plus has an eating disorder. She has no idea what a mess any of this is and I intend to keep it that way as long as possible. I do not need more stress which would come if she found out. My dad would be more understanding but cannot offer anything other than he will say he cares which is not practical or helpful.

[Auror.]

And now they said well they could set up a payment plan because my insurance that they do take (not medicaid) has at least a 400$ deductible and other things that I would have to pay. But they cannot give me specifics.

What the fuck is a poitn of a payment plan when I would not even be able to afford rent? I understand that is not their concern but I feel like they are missing the point. I cannot be the only person who has had this be an issue.

I emailed medical doctor to tell her that this may not be possible and to ask what other option there was. Who the fuck knows.

edit
None of these people are understanding. It is not about acquiring documentation. Work will not care if I cannot work for a few weeks. They just will not schedule me. No big deal. It is that I DO NOT GET PAID unless I work. THAT is the issue. No money = no ability to pay rent, let alone medical bills or expenses for doggie daycare or a dog walker or something for my dog. it is not about trying to make arrangements. It is literally that there is NOT money for those things as is and it is going to be even worse if I cannot work. I do not understand what part of this is so difficult for them to get when I have explained it multiple times. If they were at least like, acknowledging that it was an issue because there is no way I am the only person with this kind of situation that would be one thing. But the responses I am getting are just, we can give you documentation and you have time to make arrangements. What part of THERE IS NOT MONEY FOR LIFE is so hard to understand?

[DestroyMe]

low on words at the moment but sending you positive vibes and thinking of you. you know where I am if you need anything xx

[Auror.]

thanks kit.

They emailed again and want me to meet with the Clinical Director tomorrow. I agreed even though I am not totally okay with it.

My friend helped me write up a letter explaining things in more detail so that hopefully they will listen. My friend also knows of the director and says that people she trusts have said good things about her so hopefully that is a good sign. My friend is the best. I am really nervous that they are annoyed with me and will be angry with me.

This is what I came up with, with their help. It is very long so putting it under a hide.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : LONG Letter.

I would like to know why partial is necessary. Nobody has explained to me why this is a thing that is necessary. All I am being told is that I have to do it. I do not see this as a priority right now, nor do I see how this can be to me when I have no idea why it being forced/required, nor why it is not something that can be done in a less restricting and time consuming way. Nobody has explained why. Nor has anyone explained why they think that I have an eating disorder. I would like answers to both of those things.

My best friend has an eating disorder and has been through inpatient, residential, PHP, IOP, and outpatient treatment specifically for eating disorders and understands why different levels of care are necessary for different things. I have not ever been in eating disorder specific treatment even on an outpatient basis, so I have very little frame of reference as to how to interpret questions, or to know what terms mean, or what leads to recommendations for various levels of care, etc,. I really do not understand much at all about eating disorder treatment or why this is an eating disorder in the first place, so with all of this in general I really have no idea what to expect or how to answer questions properly when I do not know what is being asked.

This entire situation thus far has been extremely confusing and frustrating to me and I feel like my concerns are not being heard or validated.

My financial situation is entirely reliant on student loans / financial aid, and the little bit of money I make from my student worker job, a job that is dependent on being eligible for financial aid. While the university itself might accept a medical leave of absence, and thus I would need to withdraw from classes for the semester, the federal government and financial aid guidelines do not recognize a medical leave and that does not factor into whether or not you meet their criteria. I have had longstanding issues with remaining eligible for financial aid due to a pace requirement. I have spoken to financial aid people, as well as disability services and my department’s advisor. I am very familiar with this process and where I stand. When I originally started at university again in 2012 I had to submit an appeal to be eligible for financial aid. I have a number of previous withdraws from classes so I am very familiar with the criteria and what you need to do to remain eligible. It is not looking like I will be able to complete any of my classes this semester, thus meaning I will have to withdraw. This will put me under the pace requirement to remain eligible for financial aid. The only two ways to rectify this are to meet the requirements again, or to complete a full semester without aid and then submit an appeal. I have done an appeal in the past and it is highly unlikely a second appeal would be accepted. Thus it is extremely important that I be able to take and complete a full course load of classes over summer semester. If I do so, I can get my financial aid reinstated.

This is not about needing documentation. My student worker job will not mind if I do not work for a while, and it is my understanding from them that you do not have to be eligible for aid over the summer to still be allowed to work. It is next year that it would be an issue. The issue with not working is that I would not get paid. I make roughly 300$ a month from this job. Between that and student loans, I barely afford rent, insurance, and things like electric and gas for my car. I am 27. I am not a dependent and I have been financially on my own since the age of 19. My mother helps me out financially when she can as much as she can as long as I am a student, and it is not realistic that I ask her for more money because it is not something that she can do. The money she gives me goes towards rent and bills when I cannot make ends meet. I do not have any other family to ask.

Asking me to participate in something that requires not only that I not be able to work or go to school is just not feasible. That 300$ a month is a lot of money for me and it is literally my sole income that I can report and consistently count on besides student loans. This also does not take into account my insurance situation. I have student health insurance, but I also have Medicaid, which covers any medical expenses that I have. I never have to pay medical bills for things, and I cannot afford to. Telling me that I have potentially met a deductible that is hundreds of dollars when I do not have copays or bills because of this is not helpful, nor is it helpful to offer a payment plan when quite honestly the money for such a thing is just not there, and will not be there in the foreseeable future.

I also have a dog. She is very important to me and very helpful in terms of forcing me to at least be a somewhat functional human. My dog cannot be left alone for 11-12 hours a day. If I have to find someone who can either come over to walk her, or take her to doggie daycare, I am looking at probably a hundred dollars a week. 5 full days of doggie daycare a week is 90-100$, and a dog walker twice a day is 30-40$. Any family and friends that I do have work during the day so are also unable to watch my dog. That is an additional expense aside from medical bills that I do not currently have, and I am not in a financial situation to where I can afford it even with working.

Another concern that I have is that if I do not understand why this is necessary and I am not actually okay with the idea, that I will completely resent being there and be unwilling to fully participate. I also get anxious, which I do understand needing to try to work through. It makes it hard for me to communicate properly and it makes it hard for me to be around groups of people. It is my understanding that a lot of this is group based which would be an issue. Another part of it that I am not very good at explaining is separate from anxiety to me, but I think most people just see it as anxiety. I do not quite know how to explain that it is actually happening for a different reason. Groups of people tend to be very overwhelming to me. As does communication in general which is one part of why I struggle to talk on the phone. My brain gets overwhelmed and when this happens I tend to shut down. I am very worried that this would happen while there, and that people would not understand that it is not entirely anxiety based. It is more that there is an overwhelming amount of noise and light and stimulation, and that the main thing that helps me to be able to deal with it is to put myself in an environment that is free from that. For example when I am at home I can take my dog into my bedroom, turn off the lights, and get into bed for a while. But if I am forced to be in an environment for 11-12 hours a day that I get no break from, I am very worried of shutting down or having a meltdown and just being entirely not functional.

I apologise that this might be all over the place and for the length but communication is very hard for me, and often the best and most effective way for me to communicate is via written word.

[sherlock holmes]

That's a very well written letter and I hope the meeting goes well and they can understand that you cannot afford it, and maybe they will have a solution no-one has thought of yet, or maybe they can recommend something different that will allow you to remain in school.

If you did have to go into partial would you be eligible for disability benefits? I image being unable to work due to a medical issue would mean you could get financial support from the government and maybe food stamps and help with rent?

[MariaOlivia85]

Hi.

I read your long letter so now I have a better understanding of your financial situation.

Quote: " I also have a dog. She is very important to me and very helpful in terms of forcing me to at least be a somewhat functional human. My dog cannot be left alone for 11-12 hours a day. If I have to find someone who can either come over to walk her, or take her to doggie daycare, I am looking at probably a hundred dollars a week. 5 full days of doggie daycare a week is 90-100$, and a dog walker twice a day is 30-40$. Any family and friends that I do have work during the day so are also unable to watch my dog. That is an additional expense aside from medical bills that I do not currently have, and I am not in a financial situation to where I can afford it even with working. "

Would you be willing to try GoFundMe ?
I'm sure people would donate so you would get your doggie daycare / walker costs covered.

You gave some good reasons why you need the extra support.