Worried about having to confront everything head on. Just because the CPN I spoke to doesn't believe I have deliberately done a bad thing that doesn't mean that the view of others will be the same. My CPN is going to phone me on Monday to make an appointment with her or with her and my going to be CPN so she may mention things on the phone. I'm used to dealing with painful emotions but I protect myself from as much as possible, I can't protect myself from facing up to things now. Don't really know how to cope. I'm suicidal but think it would be unfair to leave the world at this point before I have explained things to the other person.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I’m glad you are talking to your cpn and I hope your new cpn will be helpful.
Is there anything you can do to take your mind off these thoughts for tonight? Or would talking about it help? Perhaps to breathing space? I hope you can distract yourself. I know it’s hard.
There is no way I can put this back in my box other than through suicide. The last time I had to deal with something traumatic that wasn't just coming from my own feelings the process of moving on from it took at least 2 years. I can't cope with that again.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm safe enough for now. Just terrified about what will happen next. I don't want to have to talk things through with anyone, let alone my soon to be CPN because I haven't built up a trusting relationship with her yet. I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I should have held everything inside for the rest of my life unless it was brought up by the other person involved.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Maybe you could tell your cpn you aren’t ready to talk about it yet, but consider it in the future. It will take time to build trust with her, but hopefully you will eventually be able to talk to her.
I’m sorry you are feeling this way and struggling with regret over talking about it. But maybe talking will do some good.
Thanks. I don't know what's for the best. I should hopefully have at least one more appointment with my current CPN so maybe she'll be able to help since she knows me a bit better. Once I'm transferred I'll have no one I trust to talk to. I want to do what is right for the other person involved in this but I don't know how they feel about anything. I don't know if it's better to leave things how they are or if this person is also tortured by what I've done and needs me to bring it up and explain things.
My current CPN is supposed to be phoning today to let me know when my next appointment is. She will now likely know what I have disclosed and I'm so scared that she'll hate me. If everything goes wrong I'm going to have to find a way to kill myself because I really don't know if I can cope with all this emotional pain.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My CPN phoned in the afternoon. She was going to see me on Friday but I've to go to the gym so I have an appointment for next week. She said we'll talk about things. I don't know if she was trying to get the phone call over with because she hates me. I don't want her to hate me. I don't want her to transfer me to the other CPN.
I watched a documentary about 3 people with mental health problems. One guy was drinking quite a bit and had panic attacks. My brother probably suffers like that. I need to stop his suffering. I went to bed last night making up a story in my head where he dies quickly very soon. He needs to die. I can't protect him from anything. I can barely cope with my issues and he'll have a lot more without any relief because he has no professional support. Does he ever get a break? I can't deal with my pain and the pain I perceive him to be in. Nothing at all can change for the better now. All avenues I imagine myself going down lead to things being worse. It's uncomfortable and distressing enough being in this position without the added pressures of work etc which will have to be a part of my future. I was never built to cope with life for long. The emotional agony is unbearable.
It's not good enough for me to try and distract myself as much as possible, that's not taking away my brother's pain. When I spoke to someone from crisis one day she said we can't compare our pain with that of other peoples because it's subjective. But my brother has clearly communicated that he is in pain and I am not helping him! Google is not telling me how I can transfer his pain from him to me. I need to eliminate all but the smallest negative emotions from him. I don't have the strength to be a good sister. The solution may only be for me to kill myself and hope that my brother quickly follows my lead. I have zero pain tolerance. I can't deal with anything. I'm so triggered to attempt suicide in a violent type way so it should be more likely to be successful. I want to stop existing.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks. I managed to phone the crisis team and got through to someone I know and get on well with. She eased things for me a bit but don't know how long that will last. More often than not there is no one I can talk to when I get to a crisis point which makes things stressful. Life is so tough. I wonder what it's like for those people who have comfortable and content lives.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Has your brother explicitly told you that he is in unbearable pain and that you are making it worse by not taking it away and that he'd rather be dead? Because I get the impression that is a viewpoint you hold about how your brother is feeling, but that in reality he probably doesn't feel as bad as that, but you're viewing his situation through your own subjective experiences of mental health.
I know your brother has depression because you have mentioned it here. But many, many people have depression and also live a "good" life, hold down jobs, see friends and so on. My brother has depression and anxiety but he works full time, socialises with friends. I wouldn't ever think he needs to die to end his suffering because he has a quality of life, even if some days/evenings he suffers a lot and has to go to bed.
Are you able to ask your brother if he is leaving the house and doing activities? He might not be anywhere near as suicidal or distressed as you are, but you are assuming he is.
If you kill yourself then it will make it harder on your brother, not better.
Keep reaching out for help. I know things can improve for you because they haven't always been this bad. When you see your new CPN try and set some goals with her so you know what to talk about and what things to aim for.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Thanks. My brother is functioning but he often says he's feeling rubbish and very anxious and like he'll never be content with life. He works part time and does additional shifts and he socialises but doesn't get enough time to himself. I know life is stressful for a lot of people and I know I can never fully experience what my brother (or anyone else) is going through to know how to compare his pain to mine but I do know what it's like to feel almost unbearable pain and that it's possible for anyone to feel that way which means my brother may feel like this. I'm comparing a lot to my own experiences, since I can't seem to deal with even the smallest amount of emotional pain. I can't imagine anything less than what I feel so I get really worried and I have always had to try and protect my brother when we were younger but it's harder in adult life. I just don't want him to feel anything close to how I feel. I'm so powerless to support him.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm actually scared that I am stuck and will never be able to kill myself. I'm really like a broken record. Going through the same things again and again - my life is not terrible yet I feel like it's so hard to cope with every little emotion or pressure. I'm not pushing myself at all. If I'm tired I'll stay in bed. If I can't be bothered socialising I'll cancel plans. I avoid so much. I don't know how to take small steps because it's all coming back to my laziness with staying in bed till the afternoon again. Things did seem a bit more manageable when I was getting up in the morning so I was managing to make it to my appointments without much difficulty. That simple thing has gone and I can't even say that it's not possible for me to get out of bed in the morning because I did do it for that period, which means I'm just lazy.
I feel like it's going to happen like this, one day I'll be in this position and the next day I'll be told my benefits are going to be stopped and I have to get a job. I worry about that jump. I can barely even take small steps with starting volunteering and things. I worry that if I mention this to anyone they will think I'm just trying to avoid being a responsible adult and that I'm actually able to work but choosing not to. Life is too big for me and it's also too small for me at the same time as I'm achieving nothing.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
At the moment you are unable to work and that’s ok. Maybe talk about your fear of being forced into work with your cpn. Perhaps she can reassure you. Just go at your own pace. Maybe eventually you can do volunteer work, but take it as slow as you need to. There is no need to rush it. Your health comes first.
Thanks. I think a lot of people think I should be able to manage anything because I have been to uni.
I managed to go to the gym with my support assistant today but that was in the afternoon and I wasn't out of bed early. My life revolves around thinking about my messed up sleeping pattern and worrying about my brother. I hit a suicidal point when I was in the gym. My support assistant said she is worried about me but suicidal points usually happen to me multiple times a day so this is nothing unusual. I don't want to live like this any more, with my mind and struggling to be like an ordinary person. If I could swallow enough tablets I'd overdose right now. I can't be bothered with this repetition of pretend life. It really hurts.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thanks. I had no appointments last week apart from going to the gym but I'm seeing my current CPN and possibly my going to be CPN on Tuesday so I'm trying to hold on for that. They will want to talk about what I disclosed to the extended hours CPNs but that has passed in intensity a bit for me and isn't something I really want to focus too much on at the moment but I'll have to face it. It's just hard because there are other things going on that I think I need to discuss.
I'm still really beating myself up about my sleeping pattern. I know I don't sleep well through the night but it's not really acceptable for me to be spending about 14 and a half hours in bed at a time. It's not acceptable for me personally, especially since I did make it out of bed consistently in the morning for about a month so this just reinforces my laziness. I don't know if my mood was better then and so it was easier to get out of bed but I don't think my soon to be CPN understands that it's not easy to get back to that point right now.
Feeling a bit worried about my safety because the men warned me that people are trying to hurt me last night. I had a somehow related idea that I need to go out for a walk at 1am one night and not wrap up warm enough, I think it's something to do with the men testing me. I don't know for sure. I'll probably be in bed early as always anyway and won't get want to get out of bed at 1am.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It’s best to stay indoors at night. Stay safe. Could you talk about this and the men with your cpn?
I think you re too hard on yourself about getting into a routine. It’s a hard habit to break and if you are tired you are tired. There is probably a way of improving it though over time. I hope your cpn can help you with that.
