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Old 01-09-2019, 09:10 AM   #21
MunchBox
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I was intimate with my love yesterday and it's made me know that I am actually gay and I feel, I feel content. I'm thinking of her now when I feel bad, I remember what I have got and how I don't want to lose it, I feel happy when I'm with her. But, during sex I was so scared I was hurting her and kept stopping to ask her, and then I cried and told her if I ever hurt her during sex tell me so I could stop cause I fucking would. I'd never hurt her like that. She said I wasn't hurting her. Made me think of my past. No one deserves that, and I'm starting to think that maybe I didn't too?



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Old 01-09-2019, 11:10 AM   #22
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You really didn't deserve the awful things you went through, I'm glad that you are starting to realise that and I hope it becomes a strong belief for you. I'm also glad you have a positive relationship. Please be very kind to yourself as well as to others.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-09-2019, 06:20 PM   #23
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Thank you, love x



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Old 11-09-2019, 05:32 PM   #24
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Hey, I'm very anxious, I'm back to square one regarding my past, I'm having dreams of abuse and how it was my fault. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for hurting myself, putting myself in that position. We talked about it in therapy, she told me to say that I didn't cause it, it wasn't my fault and that someone did a bad thing to me but I don't see it as that. I willingly went to his flat, took drugs and had sex. One of things that bothers me if that I don't remember his name or face, I know his built and estimate of his height and that's all. When I dream about the sex it's different men everytime and none of them matching the description.

Because I'm supposed to be getting better I haven't been self harming even though I really fucking want to, so, I emotionally self harm instead. I watch disgusting videos, that make me cry, I listen to that fucking song that reminds me of it. I'm just sad.

I feel so alone even though I'm not, I'm tired of life. I'm so tempted to eat meat even though I'm vegan because I know how bad I'd wouldn't really be hurting myself, I'd be hurting animals so I'm not going to do that. God.



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Old 12-09-2019, 03:59 PM   #25
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I think facing up to all of this and trying to be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you did nothing wrong is really hard for you, so will be making you feel worse about yourself. If that makes sense. I'm sorry things are really traumatic for you at the moment. Do you get on ok with your therapist?

I'm glad you're not physically self harming but emotional self harm is just as awful. I hope you can find a way to reduce that too.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-09-2019, 09:47 PM   #26
Pi.R^2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MunchBox View Post
I was intimate with my love yesterday and it's made me know that I am actually gay and I feel, I feel content. I'm thinking of her now when I feel bad, I remember what I have got and how I don't want to lose it, I feel happy when I'm with her. But, during sex I was so scared I was hurting her and kept stopping to ask her, and then I cried and told her if I ever hurt her during sex tell me so I could stop cause I fucking would. I'd never hurt her like that. She said I wasn't hurting her. Made me think of my past. No one deserves that, and I'm starting to think that maybe I didn't too?
Hold on to this.

What happened to you was not your fault. It doesn't matter what you consented to earlier. You said stop and he didn't. It really is that simple. And even if there were some mitigating factors that explain why someone might not have understood the instruction to stop, they would only ever potentially reduce the offender's culpability, not increase yours. I hope that last bit makes sense?



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 20-09-2019, 05:03 PM   #27
MunchBox
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Thank you both. It does make sense.

I'm second guessing everything, every incident that's happened in my life and every diagnosis. I don't believe anything. They are trying to get me into EMDR after DBT. Even though I'm so confused about what happened, I know how it has impacted whether justified or not.

Sorry I've been absent, I've had a minor procedure done and I've been in a lot of pain. I'll reply in detail soon.



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Old 21-09-2019, 11:06 AM   #28
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There's no need to apologise, this is your space. I hope your physical pain is easing at least. You deserve to have support for the things that have negatively impacted you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-09-2019, 11:19 PM   #29
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Pls bare with me. Sex talk

I told K to buy something for sex, without going into too much details, I knew it would hurt but didn't tell her and during sex it hurt so bad and I cried. I'm still having pain down there since. Which is what happened after that night nearly 2 years ago
I told her Harder and harder till she realised I was crying because we were holding eachother she didn't know it was tears of pain.

I feel so fucking bad. I'm a cunt why would I do something like that too the woman I love.

I essentially made her hurt me.
???? Unfathomable

We talked about it and she's so pure she told me talk to her about my feeling and thoughts with her beacuse we're a partnership, a team.



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Old 27-09-2019, 11:25 AM   #30
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I'm so sorry you're putting yourself through such awful stuff. You don't need any more trauma in your life. Were you fully honest with K when you spoke to her after? It sounds like she's a good strong support for you and I hope you can get through this together. How are you feeling now?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-09-2019, 04:38 PM   #31
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Oh lovely, I'm sorry you are going through this. You didn't deserve to go through what you went through and you certainly don't deserve to go through what you are going through now.

Do you think you could talk to your partner about what is going on?

Look after yourself lovely. Thinking of you?



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Old 28-09-2019, 12:09 PM   #32
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That sounds like a really difficult experience. Do you know what made you 'want' to get into that situation with her?

I'm so glad that you were able to talk about it with her afterwards. From what you've written here and in your RV, you two sound like a brilliant couple and I hope you continue to work together to help you overcome these things.



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It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 06-10-2019, 07:16 PM   #33
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Thank you guys, she knows my past and how it's affected me, she's really good to me, so kind, so loving and generous. I talked to her after like I said, she was understanding. Nothings happened since, we're good and I do feel like I can talk to her about absolutely anything, she always listens.

Thank you Lindsey, tiptoes And Jenna.

I do feel feel like we're a good couple and it means a lot you saying that jenna, you're very kind.

I finish DBT in 6 weeks, and I do feel like I've progressed since starting, I'm not self harming and do feel like I've acquired skills which will help me in my life, hopefully do EMDR next but would like a decent gap between finishing and starting just so I can rest, the support has been so overwhelming.

Thank you for replying.



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Old 07-10-2019, 04:20 PM   #34
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You are doing such a great job. ❤️ Keep talking to K and using your DBT skills. EMDR sounds good but definitely take a break first. I hope it’s useful for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-10-2019, 10:49 PM   #35
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That all sounds really positive and I'm so happy for you :) You've come a long way and if you keep working hard in DBT and future therapies I hope things will continue to improve.

P.S. wonder if this girlfriend of yours could withstand the competition if I sent you some seductive stickers... (#throwback)



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Old 11-10-2019, 12:27 AM   #36
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Really proud of you love.
You can come out of this storm.




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Old 14-10-2019, 07:08 PM   #37
MunchBox
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Thanks guys, I miss you all so much, I'm glad ryl is still such a caring community.

Jenna, I told her about the seductive stickers and she was just as confused as to why I gave them to you as you were. Gosh that was like 7 years ago or something. Madness.

I do feel a bit self destructive, and have been doing things which I feel doesnt count as self harm but ultimately is. I've spoke to my cpn about it and we're working through it tomorrow. Just all boils down to what happened and the fact the anniversary is coming up makes me scared and anxious. I feel like I bottling all these emotions up and soon I'll explode which is classic Mary.



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Old 14-10-2019, 07:11 PM   #38
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I'm glad you've been speaking to your CPN, I hope you get on ok tomorrow. Are there small safe ways to let your emotions out gradually?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-10-2019, 07:16 PM   #39
MunchBox
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Journaling maybe, they put a whiteboard on my wall for me to express how I'm feeling each day, it can get quite nonsensical when I do it at night after meds and half the time they're just connections I found in this like music and games and books. I can be quite paranoid about it, cpn says they're reference of ideas. I bake and cook all my meals now I'm vegan which is quite soothing and a distraction. Is there anything else I could do?

Thanks for replying.

EDIT. Am i chatting shit or does cooking help release emotions.



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Old 15-10-2019, 10:42 AM   #40
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It sounds like you have a lot of good strategies, and it's about using them rather than self destructive ones which I know can be really hard. I think cooking is a really good way to express things and I'm glad you find it helpful. Is it practical things you find most helpful? I hope it goes well with your CPN today.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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