Rant - Waste of time, space &+ energy *trig everything*
i dont know how this is gonna go or how long its gonna be or anything else so sorry if its really long, wittery and rambly. so, where did it all -really- start? bullied out of primary school into another 1? i dont know, maybe when we moved down the hill because of my mum been pregnant with my sister, we needed a bigger house instead of the small 2 bedroom house we were in. before we moved theyd constantly argue and shit. we moved down the hill into a bigger house. my mum had a rough pregnancy, she thinks she was having twins but miscarried 1 of them, i was always at my nans when she was at the hospital. i dont know, i thought i was around 7-8 but apparently we'd moved before then, i was 6 1/2 when my sister was born, he did stuffs to me when she was around 6 months old, meaning i'd have been 6/7 - started shing about a yr afterwards. we moved around 7 months later due to parents not liking where we lived, & the house next door to us had been set on fire when we werent in. we moved, again. feb 01. about a yr later my aunt moved down the road & her & my mum started talking a lot. my cousin who was around the same age used to come down a lot with her & we used to sit in my bedroom. get shouted at if we made any noise so we kept quiet most of the time. my mum -made- me get a bath when my cousin was round at our house. i was 10-11 at the time, everytime i got a bath and he was round, hed rape me afterwards. sh got worse than it had before, started using tools. noone ever thought anything of it, because they didnt see anything. when i was 12-13 my eating got bad, i started skipping meals, my mum soon caught onto it and got shit for it. had problems with eating since then. when i was about 14 my parents started hitting me, and abusing me verbally/mentally. theyre still doing it now, in a way ive sorta learnt how to ignore them but it still hurts. my dad hurts me with his drinking, gets completely plastered every-fucking-night. cutting completely relapsed now, started burning, bruising myself. wanting to cut bad now, want to drink a fucking lot, just so it seems like everythings all okay. i want out.
You've been through alot, and sound extreemly brave.
Does anyone at all know what has happened to you in the past, or how you are feeling now?
*keeps safe*
x
my youth worker, and my counsellor know about the sexual stuff, eating and my self harm. I wouldnt even say Im suicidal, just, fed up with this - but no, they dont know. they know I'm struggling with SH & ED.
You don't sound moany at all. It's a serious problem, and you have every right to feel how you do. If it doesn't arrise, could you bring it up yourself, to get it out there?
spoke to my youth worker, just got in, shes triggered me to hell. "the lack of food u eat, the amount of exercise u do, purging its a surprise youre not dangerously underweight" :\
First of all i want to say that you were really really brave to talk to your youth worker.Well done.
How do you feel about the ultimatium [sorry if spelling incorrect] that she gave you?
Sounds possibly quite scary to me.
How do you feel about your Mum possibly knowing?
i understand your youth worker is concerned for you and probably does have a responsibility to try and keep you safe and healthy etc but if you really felt her talking to your Mum would only make your situation worse right now and/or things worse at home could you try telling her that at all and maybe try to explain your reasons to her also if you think she may end up telling?
Do you think you could maybe have a go at doing a bit of what she asks too ie trying to improve your calorie intake etc or is that something which you dont feel able to/likely to achieve right now?
Thinking of you.
And sorry it was so hard.And has left you feeling so bad.
But you did the right thing.
And it was a massive step.Well done, take care and best wishes for now.
Know we are here if you want to talk some more.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
