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Old 31-08-2018, 11:59 PM   #1
milomushi
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spiraling

I'm spiraling. It's been a few days but feeling hopeless. I can't get sick again.

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Old 01-09-2018, 06:25 PM   #2
one_step_closer
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I'm sorry things are getting difficult again. Are you being honest with the people involved in your treatment about how you're feeling? This doesn't mean that you're going to fall all the way down, you have recognised that things are becoming harder and hopefully that means you're more likely to take whatever steps you can to avoid things becoming worse. Do you know what you need right now? Take care.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-09-2018, 06:56 PM   #3
milomushi
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Suicidal ideation just came out of nowhere. I did have some difficult cases and I felt really good exercising every day but felt bad about myself when it was not every day. I got involved in volunteering at a place that does horse therapy and love it but there are no lessons this weekend. I also started horse back riding lessons with the intention of becoming a certified horse therapist. My lesson was cancelled this week due to high temperatures. Before I was having my therapy at the end of the day and now it is in the middle so I have to go back to work after. This was the first week of that and I became emotional in front of my boss when I got back to work. Now I have this, possibly irrational, feeling that she does not respect me. My schedule has been flipped upside down due to the children's return to school and I just feel overwhelmed.

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Old 02-09-2018, 06:29 PM   #4
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There has been lots of cancellations and changes in routine for you, no wonder you're feeling the effects of that. It's a shame all of this has come at once rather than you having time to adjust to each thing. Is there a way you can focus on adjusting to one thing at a time, even though you will still be having to continue with the other changes? Will you be getting back into your volunteering and horse riding lessons? It sounds like you were putting pressure on yourself to exercise and that might make you dread exercising and put yourself down when you don't manage to motivate yourself. It's good to get any amount of exercise, maybe you could try and build it up again even with just exercising one day a week and see if you can find a routine that suits you. Are you able to have a bit of a break in between therapy and going back to work? Perhaps you could figure out a way to wind down and move your focus away from therapy before going back to work. I can understand your worries about your boss not respecting you but it's likely that is your own judgement, I'd hope that she would have compassion and understanding.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-09-2018, 10:09 PM   #5
milomushi
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I start to feel a little better and then get hit a feeling of anxiety and dread. I feel so worked up. I have to work tomorrow but I don't have to worry about seeing my supervisor until Wednesday.

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Old 03-09-2018, 04:57 PM   #6
one_step_closer
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It's hard when anxiety and dread hit you, they can be so strong and knock you back. Do you practice any soothing, grounding, or distraction techniques when you feel the anxiety and dread? How has work been today? Is there anything you think you need to prepare for when you next see your supervisor to make things a bit easier?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-09-2018, 01:26 AM   #7
milomushi
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There is a depression support group trying to get off the ground here and four people showed tonight. I really have to my supervisor about things but I don't think that she believes in me right now so I think I have to wait.

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Old 05-09-2018, 04:20 PM   #8
one_step_closer
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Did you see your supervisor today? How are you getting on?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-09-2018, 12:19 AM   #9
milomushi
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I saw my supervisor this morning but did not really talk about anything yet. I felt better earlier especially after having a horse back riding lesson last night but now I'm home alone till Sunday. Even the dog is gone. After struggling with some tough cases today I feel crappy again.

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Old 07-09-2018, 06:39 PM   #10
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Do you have any activities planned for while you're on your own? It sounds like doing things you enjoy or that occupy you can be really beneficial for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-09-2018, 03:03 AM   #11
milomushi
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I feel a calm today. I'm okay with suicide. I don't think that I will last forever trying to treat people in situations that seriously trigger me. I want to help but feel far too responsible other people's actions and decisions. I started to write my story a few months ago and I would like to finish it before doing anything.

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Old 22-09-2018, 04:15 PM   #12
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That sounds really sad :( I hear your hopeless feelings regarding to life and acceptance over death. What would you suggest to someone else who felt like this? You say you want to help people, is there a way you can do that in a sort of stepped down situation where you don't have to feel so responsible? Like peer support perhaps? Writing your story could be good, I hope it helps you process things and keeps you going.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-09-2018, 01:06 AM   #13
milomushi
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I want to say something but not sure what to say. I feel the same. I'm not in immediate distress. I just feel like I know where this is going. I am very worried about my therapist going on maternity leave soon but she is insistent that she will come back.

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Old 24-09-2018, 02:22 PM   #14
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What are your worries about? Will you be seeing someone else while she is on maternity leave?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-09-2018, 05:22 PM   #15
milomushi
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I am worried that she won’t come back. I will be seeing my psychiatrist weekly but it is not the same. I’m getting scared. This is not the suicidal I was 6 months ago. I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want them to try and stop me. I feel calm and relaxed. This is something different. There are no tears, just nothingness. I feel like I’ve played this game before.

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Old 24-09-2018, 06:03 PM   #16
one_step_closer
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Are there some mixed feelings since you say you don't want people to stop you but you're also considering what the future might be like/if your therapist will come back? You say you feel like you've played this game before, does that mean you've been through these emotions in the past? What happened then? I think it's important to be honest about how you're feeling even if you don't want to be stopped, no one can truly stop you but it could help to talk things through and get another perspective or treatment options.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-09-2018, 12:13 AM   #17
milomushi
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I don't have therapy this week. I didn't want to go to my horse back riding lesson but I pushed myself and enjoyed it. I hear what you're saying. I've been through this before but it does feel different. It's just one day at a time right now I guess.

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Old 26-09-2018, 06:50 PM   #18
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I think that sometimes when we're in a middle of a really difficult time emotionally it feels like it is the worst we have ever felt even if that's not the case. It hurts in the moment and it's hard to see backwards or forwards. Taking things one day at a time sounds like a sensible plan. I'm glad you went to your horse riding lesson and you enjoyed it, try and remember that in the future if you feel like you don't want to go. Do you confide in anyone other than your therapist?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-09-2018, 09:53 PM   #19
milomushi
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I don't feel like I have anyone else. I am way too dependent on her. That is why I'm stressing about her maternity leave. Plus my last therapist died and I didn't get to say goodbye and she was just gone.

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Old 28-09-2018, 12:57 AM   #20
milomushi
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I feel so empty.

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