I know what I've got to do to avoid suicidal behaviours when I have an urge. I just don't know why I should. My therapist doesn't seem to have an answer, neither do people on the helpline.
I've been told to think about people who love me. Here's the catch - they don't exist. I do understand that if I kill myself it would be traumatic to people in my surroundings. Not necessary because they love me or need me in their lives, but just because even strangers can be traumatized when someone kills themselves. But when it comes to people who care enough for me to call them and tell "hey, I think I need support" - they don't exist.
About a year ago I had a really bad mental breakdown that had bad consequences. It costed me a very important friendship and led me to a realisation that with the extent of issues I have I am simply unable to form a mutually positive bond with another human being. And it leads to soul-crushing loneliness. Everything feels pointless when at the end of the day I have no one to tell what is going on in my life, no one to share funny, sad or happy stories with.
I do know about the negative side of things. About potential health hazards if I fail. About leaving people with a physical and emotional mess left after me if I succeed. But I really wish I could see something on the bright side. Something that would make me want to live rather than just somewhat unsure about suicide. I can't keep motivating myself with "Oh you can still do good things for people" when I have a strong feeling that no one cares and the world is filled with so much suffering my efforts barely change anything, plus I'm running out of physical, mental and emotional strength to help.
Thank you for reading. Hope you'll have a nice day.
I'm going to do just what you did for me. I hear you and I've read every word.
I am sorry you are in such a sad place no that you feel lonely, you seem a lovely person and I think suicide is traumatic because people feel guilty because they feel they could have done more or they simply feel sad the person didn't feel they had any other choice but to take their own life and that's the most tragic thing.
Is there anything you would really like to do with your life? A hope for something that could change your perspective like mine is to do a well known pilgrimage, learn to ballroom dance and have a dog into old age again. But yours will be different and it can be anything big or small that you can work towards in measured goals and hopefully give you purpose/ hope while with the aim of doing something you want to do.
With regards to friends, there are many ways to make friends but I know it is terrifying to instigate it, is there a social group you could join near you? There is a website called meetup (if you google it will come up) where it will show groups in your area which are built around shared interests so there will be like minded people. Or a hobby/interest group that is independent of that which will give you the distraction of doing something you are interested in while getting to know people that could give you social contact?
This may sound completely dismissive of your issues but I'm just giving you options to answer that question you've asked. Only you can find reasons to live, you need to find your values and be true to them, what do you think will give you a reason to live, what would need to change for you to feel you can?
Do you have some form of support at this time so you can talk to someone in real life? Just sometimes verbalising it with someone who knows you may have some ideas as well?
I hope you can find a reason, or many more than one, everyone deserves that, and it's no doubt you'll be missed even those you only have sparing contact with or everyone that's known you will miss you because you've made an impact. I know some may not be as supportive as you need but they would miss you. Sometimes people find it hard to give or hear those who struggle, particularly with mental health because it can literally happen to anyone and it can leave the strongest people feeling vulnerable in themselves. Sometimes people can be rude and not care though but it's not everyone. I hope you can see that at some point.
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit"
-J.R.R Tolkien
I may end up writing much the same as Puck has but I wanted to leave a reply if I can.
I can really relate to the thoughts and feelings you're having. I suppose for everyone there's no reason why we 'should' live. When you're feeling a bit better do you feel differently? Do you even question what your reasons for living are? I think that a low mood brings up these questions when you might not consider them when you're doing ok. It's so easy to get tangled up in looking for meaning and reasons not to end your life when you're in pain. Sometimes all we can do is be kind to ourselves and keep breathing. I do understand that death can seem like a reasonable and correct option for ending pain, I hear you and I know that deep despair. What would make life feel better for you? If you felt better that could be all you need, despite whatever external things you have in your life.
Please keep going. You are a worthwhile person and you deserve for things to change for the better. I'm sorry I have no answers, but I hope that with perseverance you could reach a better state in life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Hey...
I'm terribly sorry for not giving a reply and acknowledging time and effort you put into replying. I know it's ungrateful. I failed to wait long enough to see the replies. But I just want you both to know that I appreciate the time you took to read and reply.
Long story short, I didn't wait long enough to see your kind words. I made an attempt and landed myself in an institution. Didn't have any connection to the outside world until I got discharged. I don't feel as hopeless, but I'm completely lost. It's my third hospitalization for mental health related reasons in a year. Things have never been this bad before. When I got out of the hospital for the first time, I had a feeling a crysis is over, but now I am just lost and confused. I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say, but I appreciate your feedback.
Hey, no need to apologise for not managing to reply. I'm really sorry that you felt so desperate and ended up in hospital. When were you discharged? I'm sure you know that things can feel up in the air when you've not long been discharged. I understand what it's like to regularly end up in hospital and wonder if this is ever going to change for the better, when you felt like your first hospitalisation should have been a 'cure' as such. We all go through difficult periods and I believe you can get through this one. Take your time with making decisions about where to go from here. Did anything in particular help you in hospital? What's your support like now? I hope you feel better and less confused and lost soon.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
As true as it may be that a good reason to live is that there are those who love you or to do good for others, there is another very important reason and that is yourself.
You are the reason you should live. You're here for a reason and whatever that may be you are here. Value the fact that you are here. You deserve to be here. You don't deserve to just lose your life.
Dont just do good for others, do good for yourself. Learn to care for yourself even in the smallest of ways, find what you love and what interests you and use it. Find all of these things and focus on achievments small or big. Look at yourself and the good youve done and will do and be proud of yourself. The world is so big, there is so much to see and do. One day life ends, but don't end yours before its time. While your still here see and do as much as you can and find the joys in life. While finding interests you find new people , learn new things have new experiences. I promise you it does get better.
I understand feeling alone having no one to talk to at the end of the day, tjm in the same situation at the moment. I miss having that companion who I could randomly message about something funny that happened on the bus.
I know I may be far away and its not the same, but if you ever want that person to talk to I'm more than happy to be here and talk.
I'm so sorry you had to end up in hospital, don't blame yourself for this. I hope these messages will still help now and you'll feel better soon
one_step_closer, thanks for your kind wishes. I'm so sorry that you've experienced the same struggle that comes with repeated hospitalizations, even though it definitely helps to know I am not alone in this. I've been discharged on June 25th, so I've been home for a few days already. The hospital was mostly helpful because I was able to interact with people, both staff and other patients, that were understanding about the issues I'm experience. After discharging I've been put on medication and I'm supposed to go to a support group and to therapy, but I so far I haven't been going, because on the very next day after I've been discharged I was back at work with extra workload.
Charlie051, thank you so much for your kind and wise words!
How are things now? Can work not be more flexible to allow you time to go to the support group and therapy, since you need time to recover and get back on your feet? You say that the interacting with people who understood in hospital was helpful so going to the support group and therapy seems important.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Things are slowly getting back on track. I've been able to see a therapist, though I've been dropped out of the support group due to my failure to show up. Unfortunately, I have to persuade people at work that my issues aren't a big deal or else I will lose my job and that would really, really land me in trouble, so I can't insist on needing time off.
I'm glad things are heading in a better direction. Do you think seeing the therapist will be enough? It's such a shame that your work don't seem to be understanding.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sadly, I had to stop going into therapy as well, because I'm in so much debt I just had to take extra hours at work. I don't feel particularly stable, in fact I barely made it through tonight and this morning, but for now I've just got to pull through.
So thank you for your support.
Oh no, that's not good. :( Is there anything at all that you can even do in your spare time that helps to keep things on a better emotional level for you? Is there anyone you're able to talk to even to just offload? Are there any organisations that can offer you money advice? Sorry about all the questions. Please take care, your health should come first although I understand that it's not that simple.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am very grateful for all the questions:) You're doing a very kind thing by supporting me. Thank you.
My emotional level is currently somewhere around Mariana trench and I'm not sure what I could do to improve it and even if I need to, because I feel like I don't deserve any better. I could try talking to a friend about my feelings but I'm scared it will anger him, or make him feel like it's his fault (because he did something he probably shouldn't have done that upset me a couple days ago), or that it would alienate him.
I am really scared to speak up, but I feel like I have to, because I can feel a crysis coming again. I didn't sleep at all tonight, I was thinking when my last attempt went wrong and then I realized it and now I just keep thinking about how I could do it right this time. I feel absolutely hopeless again. I'll try to reach out and hope it wouldn't make things even worse.
Not sure about what to do with the money. I don't really know any organisations that can help where I live, other than the bank that keeps calling and cheerfully offering me a bigger loan.
I do understand that if I kill myself none of this would matter, but if I live I will be stuck with money problems, job problems, interpersonal problems created by my mental health, so I work hard to limit the damage.
I need help. I really do. I'm at a loss. I can't do this anymore.
Last edited by Juella : 11-07-2018 at 11:41 AM.
Reason: didn't want to spam the thread
It's a shame you feel like you don't deserve better feelings, you are a good kind person and you are worthwhile. What scares you about speaking up? I think you should definitely let someone know where you're at right now and hopefully it will help you to avoid things getting worse. I hear that there is so much hopelessness and stress and pain for you right now. This is a time where it is absolutely right for you to be seeking some support. You deserve it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Thank you so so much. This really helped. Your support gave me courage to speak up before I did some serious damage, and I've been helped. So thank you very much.
I guess the scary part about speaking to someone is inconveniencing people. I am afraid that the fact that I am not getting better and repeatedly need help will frustrate the few people who are willing to listen and they will cut me off completely, feeling like I am just a lost cause. That what happened between me and my family. And that is really scary.
Well done for reaching out, that is such a great step. I hope you can continue to do so. It is scary to worry about how people might react when you need help for a while and it's sad that your family haven't stood by you. Who are the few people who are willing to listen? Friends? Professionals? I'd at least hope that professionals would respect you and offer you their support.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I only pop on here from time to time but your post caught my eye tonight and what you are going through really resonates with something in me because i've been there myself.
I am going to repeat something my psychologist told me a while ago. Problems with money and lack of support are usually temporary problems and they can all be resolved. But it is impossible to backtrack from a suicide. I hear your distress and i really feel for you because being where you are now must make you feel vulnerable and powerless. I do promise you however, that death is not the only solution to all this. With time all these things will work out. But if you are gone, people will miss you. Not just for a day or a month or a year, but for the rest of their lives.
I hope you feel able to continue to reach out. There will be people out there who can support you and help you find your way back to more peaceful shores. You survived an attempt. That is like being given a second chance. And there probaly was a reason for that. Maybe you'll figure out that reason eventually.
Keep talking, keep reaching out and let people help you to take care of yourself. You deserve it!!!!
one_step_closer, thank you! The few people are the friends I still have and some of the professionals (although my relationship with professionals has been a bit of a hit-and-miss).
Zurg, thank you for sharing these kind and wise words. I'm sorry you've been in a place where I am now, although it's nice to know that someone understands. I struggle with finding a meaning in my life because I don't feel like anyone would genuinely miss me if I'll be gone, I feel disconnected from everyone, which is why I keep coming back to the thought of suicide whenever I struggle. But your words give me hope. Thank you very much!
There is a certain feeling of emptiness that follows a suicide attempt..... and the everlasting doubt whether it really is a good thing that your survived. But trust me, it is a good thing.
I had a good friend who told me that to her it felt like we are all born with a wall between us and our potential suicide. Once you have attempted, the wall is knocked down and it can never be rebuilt. That is why is becomes easier to follow the thoughts of suicide and to act on them after the first attempt. I think it is a good way to describe someting so very vulnerable and yet so brutal.
The doubt will linger. And it might return at some point after having been gone for a long time, too. But i've heard wise people say that you can learn to live with that doubt and you can find solace in many different things. It is hard now because it is early days and you still feel very raw and vulnerable. I hope you have someone to talk to if the doubt becomes too powerful. Someone to call, or just someone who could come and sit with you a while.
I wish i could tell you what you should do but sadly i can't. If you can reach inside yourself and grab hold of your core then i think you will figure out how to progress from this. Apart from death, what do you think you need right now????