I didn't talk to him today. I kept my word. He called a number of times and left several I'm sorry messages, but I did not allow myself to call him back.
I need a serious time out. Thanks again for your words of support. It means a lot to me. :)
Hi Higher Sunshine! I have a very similar problem to yours. It seems like I get hurt by my boyfriend easily and the only way I know how to respond to it, is to get even. So, I blow things way out of proportion and say mean things that I regret later. I've learned to keep my mouth shut when I'm upset for the most part (except when it comes to texting or if I've had any alcohol, then it just comes right out) but most guys don't understand that either. They tell me I "clam up" and won't talk about things. I guess they don't realize that the alternative is much worse. Once I've had time to actually think things through and put myself in the other's shoes, I almost always find that my original thoughts were irrational and I'm glad I took the time to think it over before verbalizing them. And if I find that I wasn't being irrational after the cool down period, then I'm at least calm and can communicate in a more effective way.
The situation with your parents is interesting too, because I had a similar experience. My dad cheated on my mom when I was somewhere around 9-11 years old. He moved out for a while, but then they got back together. They've stayed in separate rooms since then and are not what I would call happy, so I didn't have a very good relationship model growing up. Also, my mom became an alcoholic as a result of his infidelity and would say the MEANEST things to anyone that crossed her when she was drunk. Even if you didn't do anything wrong, she would find something and let you know about it. Again, not an ideal model or situation for a teenage girl. I sometimes feel that I'm just like her, even though I don't want to be. I'm not an alcoholic (thank goodness) but my anger and frustration definitely come out after I've had a couple drinks. I think it may be a result of trying not to get hurt and not knowing how to respond to pain correctly, but I don't know.
I also think of myself as an intelligent, successful, and fairly attractive person, so perhaps I feel entitled to a certain level of courtesy and respect. Maybe my expectations are a little too unrealistic, though??
Have you had any luck improving your situation since your original post?
Last edited by Plane_Crazy : 20-05-2013 at 03:28 PM.
This is crazy, I'm EXACTLY the same! Thought I was the only one..
The breaking up, the 'you will NOT do that to me', the inability to let things go, everything.
I feel like with me it stems from insecurity, like, I get upset about feeling like he doesn't care about the time we have together as much (which isn't true, I know really he values it). And when you said about him wanting you both to go to a party together I nearly died - me and my boyfriend had the exact same argument a couple weeks ago.
My depression has flared up again recently and I've had a proper conversation with my bf about it for the first time really - he went and did lots of research and things have seemed a lot better on all fronts. Think he knows better how to handle me, and things rarely get to the fuming, 'this isn't working out' stage :)
I've been recognizing this in myself lately. Usually it's not that I'm frustrated with him, I'm frustrated with other things and I take it out on him. I'm just wondering, what kind of things does he do to help?
When my boyfriend gets frustrated with me he just ends up ignoring me, which leads to me getting even more frustrated. He says it's because he doesn't know how to help and he keeps saying I need to tell him how to help me (which doesn't make sense to me because if I knew what I needed, I wouldn't be having these problems, I wouldn't need to be asking for help).
No Bad Dreams, that's exactly what used to happen with me and my bf, he'd get frustrated because he doesn't understand, I'd get frustrated because I felt like I was to blame, he wasn't even trying to help etc etc and just went on and on.
Basically, he sat down and read up about how to deal with and support people with depression (hey, they have how-tos about literally everything). I think it helped explain a little how I feel, and explained some of my behavior, and just generally gave him a better attitude towards everything. It's not perfect and I'm still a freaking bitch some days but he says he understands now that it's not me, it's the depression, which is a huge step from where we were before.
Hi, I have same problem with my bf, but first my bf and I moved too fast in to relationship before even to get to know eachothers very well. he had moved with me without even talking about it. and here the problems started. we are both too jealous and insecure and I think it has something to deal with our raise up. I can't change him. He is lazy, slow, has too many issues thats I didn't explore them till later. I have feelings to him because he is so caring n etc.. but when it comes to goals and future he hates to talk about it. eventually I asked him to leave so he left back to his parents house but I had too much pain to let him go hoping he would do something about his life. So now the time passes and we still see eachothers alot and i'm getting too attached to him now. But on his side, he is becoming more stronger with my love for him and He started to become mean to me and when i try to tell him something i don't like he thinks i'm fighting with him all time and he started hunging up the phone all time once i start talking something he doesn't like. it did start to get in to my nerve and just today he was talking about breakin up I actually cried I don't know is it because I'm afraid to go back single again or because I knew fromt he first time he wasn't right for me and just kept it going, I'm so hurt, depressed and alone with my thoughts need help so bad :( I don't know whats the best to do I'm unhappy either way.
Last edited by dalya : 30-05-2013 at 04:49 PM.
Reason: need advice
Dalya, I know that situation and it is very difficult. My boyfriend is very closed off emotionally and uncomfortable when I get upset or try to talk about how I'm feeling. He's not super helpful, he just says he doesn't know what to do and he doesn't feel like he's helping. A couple of nights ago I left his apartment and slammed the door in his face. Now I'm wondering if this is the right relationship for me. Even though I feel like most of our problems are my fault.
I guess I would ask, do you think things will get better if you say in the relationship? Could you work things out? If he is mean to you and you fight and don't get along and that continues, you may be more satisfied in the long run of you end things now, take some time to yourself and find someone better suited. Don't stay in a relationship you are unhappy with simply because you are afraid of being alone, because you won't always be alone in the future.
It's quite funny that almost all of you going through this seem to be female, although with that being said the more I allow this thread to sink in the more I can actually relate.
My parents had split up when I was 12 years old, and my mother had an affair with an abusive drunk, I was practically abandoned by both of my parents and raised by my grandfather.
While things are able to stay decent for long periods of time in a relationship they always go through the same fights, plans need to be set in stone or I freak out thinking that they simply do not care about me.
If we don't spend enough time talking to me or spending time with me they do not care.
If they want to spend time with me, and someone else they do not care.
Even while I know it's irrational feelings, it still hurts.
Those situations are not always handled bad, and more often than not I don't feel like they do not care, however it still happens.
While we may feel like the situations are our fault is it fair to us or our loved ones to have to deal with these thoughts / behaviours?
Last edited by Grumpylilmoose : 31-05-2013 at 08:45 AM.
Sorry to keep posting on this, I know it's an old thread, but it's interesting to me.
It's interesting that you mention your parents split up as well. My parents split up early this year and as much as I'd like to think it hasn't affected me much being an adult and no longer living at home, I'm beginning to think it has affected me a lot. Because I don't recall having problems like this with my boyfriend before. We've been together nearly 3 years.
Every little thing he does, I interpret as "OMG he doesn't care about me this is never going to work." Like if he doesn't text me or goes out with friends on my day off so I don't get to see him. One day I think I have to break up with him because it's just not working, the next day things are fine.
I think right now I'm so afraid of the relationship not being right, I am finding all the thing that make it not right, even though it's been working and I've been happy with it for 3 years.
When I read the first opening thread, it was like reading something I wanted to write about me!
I have morphed into a nasty, spiteful, argumentative, confrontation, nitpicking, childish, demanding, unforgiving, demoralising, hateful b*tch.
Whilst my partner and I have had pretty much the year from hell (and we've only been together a year) due to his ex-wife and nightmare 10yr old son; poor choices that my partner has made where they're concerned, have caused our relationship to self destruct.
She is a total maniac and whilst yes, she is wholly responsible for her actions, he is equally responsible for his reactions - and they have been nothing short of piss poor and now that I've said I'm leaving him, now he 'sees' the bigger picture and is trying to sort things out
He is extremely stressed and in a horrible space and doesn't need me being a superb*tch on the side. But I simply have no self control and I hate myself for it. If he does the slightest thing wrong or NOT in a way that I would've done/handled it, I go postal.
What spurred me to find a forum and write this post tonight, was him coming to me almost on the verge of tears saying "why do I do this to him?" and "he has anxiety building coming home to me each night because he knows if he puts a foot wrong, I'll let him have both barrels" - I felt horrendous but am still managing to be in a strop and sulk about it and took my dinner to the bedroom! I'm pathetic!!!
He is the loveliest, kindest, most honest, wonderful man I've ever met but that has also been his downfall where the ex-wife was concerned and ultimately his inability to deal with her after they've been separated for 3.5yrs! She is still controlling his life! I'm so angry at him and his weakness and *living in hope* BS that I've now got so much resentment inside me towards him. I cuss him constantly. We are always arguing but really its just me gobbling off at him and him trying to be reasonable.
I hate myself and don't want to feel/be this way. I signed up for counselling 2 months ago but there is a wait list. I really need help or I simply need to leave him but that also is not so easy. I live in another cou try with him and have nowhere else to go
I'm sick of my crap and don't know why I can't let go and be reasonable and want to get to a better place. I just want to punish him.
Higher Sunshine. I really see myself in your original post. I came across it because I too am looking for help. I am constantly finding things wrong with things my wife does. She doesn't think I even like her and asks for a list of why I do.
I ask myself "is it me?" Or do I really not like this person I think that I LOVE? I ruin so many things we do together because I pick fights... She did something wrong or Said something the wrong way. I cannot be satisfied.
I am seeing a therapist without any successful change in my behavior, so I have sought out a psychiatrist. Maybe I'm depressed? I have dealt with that a few times before. Or am I just a negative, angry, possibly hurting person?
Anyway, you're not alone. And apparently I'm not either. So thanks for sharing.
Hi all, I am now 37. I was seeing my now ex, for 4 years. He has a child who is 7 (3 when we met). Although i knew him from years ago when we were friends. He lost his virginity to me when we were young (he was16 I was 17).
We did not stay together as I went off traveling to Italy.
Numerous failed relationships later and when I was in the states staying with my brother, due to a break up with a very violent man, I was elated to see a Facebook message from him. We exchanged numerous messages, and I told him when I would be back in the UK. He told me he was married and had a daughter but was going through a messy break up, as his(now ex wife)had cheated on him, and so he reluctantly had to leave the family house and his 3 year old daughter.
When I got back to the UK in Sep 2009, there was some sunflowers he bought me. We started dating, which I now think was far too soon after the violent relationship left me in tatters, i was far too emotionally scarred, however, I went with it, as he made me feel human again!
I met his daughter and she is lovely and we got very attached. We moved into several different houses. We had our ups and downs all the time, from the very beginning. I felt he was so tense because of his ex. she was jealous of us. I could not ever say anything bad, as he was scared his ex would stop him seeing his daughter. I felt like i had no control over our life, and that she did. I used to get paranoid that they may get back together as they had tried splitting twice in their past. So we used to row as he caught me trying to sign in to his email account to try and check up on him. I did trust him really, I just wanted to find something, so that I ccould be justified to be angry at him. I started treating him like the abuser before him used to treat me, thats what he rekons...and i do agree. Oh thats just the half of it. i am off work today, because we finished on Friday, after we had another millionth arguement. We already separated and moved out of our lovely flat about 3 and half months ago. Ive been staying at my Mums house and him at this friends. The plan was to save for a house of our own. i just recently got this new job so i could afford to get a house with him. I think after our arguement the other day, he resents that we had to move out of our flat of 2 years because of his daughter s feelings, which i can understand. We did move out because of the arguing, but i also lost my job and couldnt afford it. Anyway he is a lovely person, but is always getting annoyed with me, no matter what. And I with him.
I did cheat on him(when we 1st started dating this time round(4 years ago, when i started a new office job in manchester) which he knows about, just a kiss, but nevertheless i felt terrible, as his ex did this to him, but she did worse, she slept with the guy from her work office, and she now lives with him and has a child to him, so now he has confidence issues, and i feel that if i had not have cheated on him , he would respect me and trust me more. I feel really bad about this, even tho it was a stupid kiss goodnight. Since then that has come up in pretty much any arguement. And when i have trust issues about his ex, he comes over with the attitude "well you only feel like that because you feel guilty about cheating on me". Then that messes with my head, cos i used to think that he maybe saying that cos hes cheating. I started working in town again recently and he hates me going out with them from work. it reminds him of his ex he says. But also of the time i cheated 4 years ago.
I went out after work the other friday for a couple of beers, as it was his turn to have his daughter over night that night, so I Knew i was at a loose end and had been working hard all week, i popped over to the pub as we finish at 130 on a friday. He text me and got all peed off when he knew i was out. He ruined what was meant to be a fun time,as usual. He never takes me out, so I thought i was entitled to a social life. Dont get me wrong he likes to go out for the odd meal, and treat me nice like that. But when we lived together he would always be cooking nice things for us. The affection seemed to be lacking tho, and we used to sit there silent, but in an uncomfortable way, as things used to fester, that much, that it would only come out in an arguement when we were drunk.
I feel like i had to always say sorry as i was always antagonising. He really was nice and used to make an effort with me to make me laugh. I always used to make the effort to go of my way to be a bitch, and be and jealous of his relationship with his daughter. I loved his daughter but felt that cos she used to visit at weekends but only one night out of the weekend, our weekends were always about her. And he also sees her Mon, Weds and Fri after scool for a couple of hours. When we lived together I woul d hask him to bring her to ours. But he alwys took her to his mums. I understand the gransdparents have to see their grandchildren, but this was every night. I just felt that he had two lives. And i used to dread him going back to his exs to drop her off so many times. I used to clock watch and imagine the worst if he wasnt home straight after. I knew i was being irrational, but i saw it as another excuse to have a go at him! Because id had a whole day to think of a lot of bad things. I used to twist myself in knots, all day long. He would be normal and as his lovely self when he got home and had no idea that i was thinking all these spiteful things, he would run me a bath, make my tea, and get me a glass of red wine. He s a good looking lad too!
We have broke up that many times that my Mum is sick of hearing about it and so is everyone else in my family.
So i needed to just get a few things out there, in the hope that someone will reply?
I miss him now, now i read this back, i see he wasnt so bad afterall! But maybe too late... Also i am scared of repeating the same old thing... Maybe I should be on my own? He would be better off without me? He has to look after his daughter. His ex is also worried for her daughter, thorugh all this. She never saw our arguing, we were perfect when she was round. But as soon as she went home, he use to freeze up, near the end of the relationship. Now his ex sent him a text when he was at my mums with me the other night, saying "just want you to be happy, you know how much you mean to me?" . I could tell he did not want me to see it, by the way he closed the text quickly, so i asked ot see it. And he showed me. He says its the 1st time she ever said anything like that. What the 1st time in our 4 years together, I dont think so!!! Although i have no proof! Grr He aint stupid, and he knows if i ever saw anythinglike that i would be upset and he would never hear the end of it. I felt like they were playing games behind my back. And he jsut tried brushing it off, as if we should just know what she is like, she is a skitzo, he says.
i dont know maybe it was the first time, maybe she feels sorry for him, and maybe its her guilt kicking in, and thatts her way maybe of showing him she "did" care for him. Either way, she has starteds to stick her nose into our business, asking him about us all the time, because she is his daughter s mother and she think she got a right to. I understand this, but i also dont know how many cosy chats they have about us when they go to watch his daughter swimming together on a thursday. I mean is that right, for the parents to both go with their child, to watch them every single week. That use d to annoy me. And one week swimming was cancelled, but he went to the pub with his ex and his daughter, he did nt text me to let me know. I found out when he got home, as i asked him how was swimming,and he told me it was cancelled and that his daughter wanted him to go with them for abit to the pub.
I hated the fact that he hid it from me, and had i not have asked would he have said nothing to keep the peace. SO what else was hidden from me?
I am waffling, and drambklling like i would to him, im probably boring the pants off you. he would always tell me everything, as he probably expected that i would be like other nice girlfiends, supportive and understanding. But ME, oh i have to be a bitch about everything!
I think i have issues form my child hood. Rejection issues, confidence issues because of so many **** failed relationships, and now i am single, which i probably feel like i deserve.
Dont know if i m heart broken or feel sorry for myself! I do look at other guys and wonder if they would be easier to go out with, but i never would have cheated on him, since the 1st time did not count (in a way) i know it counted to him. oh im rabling. thanks for reading....x
Since it was these posts that led me to sign up I feel compelled to reply :)
Im in the exact same situation and the sad thing is Im wayyy to old to still be carrying on this way. Without going into a huge speal about myself, I will just say that we have a lot in common with each other regarding our upbringing!
I wonder why do we feel so terribly insecure in ourselves and in our ability to pick healthy relationships? Ive been with the same guy for 5 years now and I fear I have ruined him as well as myself.
Ive known for sometime that therapy may/should/will help but have only taken the steps to arrange an appointment in the last 3 months. Only 3 more weeks to go... I hope all other posters on this thread did the same! Its not natural to be so sad, distrusting, confrontational and petty all the time!! And deep down I know its the exact opposite of who I (we) really want to be!
