i think all triggers sorry couldnt work out which one

[ladybug]

ok first of all im sorry if this triggers anyone i couldnt work out which one to put on.

ok so over the last few years ive gone through alot and i dont think i can do it any more.

ive had to watch my dad practically kill himself he was told about 6 years ago if he didnt stop drinking and smoking he would die before 60. hes now 57. hes been an alcoholic for as long as i can remeber. when he found out i was cutting he told me he wasnt gunna stop drinking for me he liked it too much and that was him sober when he drinks he gets angry and shouts for no reason.

my mum sits and trys and acts like nothing is wrong even when dad shouts right in her face and locks her out the room and stuff she sits there like its all ok when its not. when she found out i was cutting she said that i was stupid and that i had to stop not try had to. which didnt help.

about a year ago my ex boyfriend sexually abused me and at first i tried to act like it didnt bother me like nothing had happened and i did until i had a mental breakdown and since then every night ive relived what happened over and over again and now its starting to come into day dreams aswell. after that the hospital just sent me on my way because physically i was fine just not mentally.

i went to a councellor who was psychoticly happy and wouldnt shut up and 'understood' every feeling i had which isnt what i needed i wanted to be able to explain it but with her i couldnt so i gave up and just stopped going.

i then met this guy called dave and hes been great with me, he cuts aswell. but lately he seems to be acting differently around me.

just before christmas i tried to kill myself i ODed and spent the lead up to christmas in hospital. they hated me i didnt really talk and when i did i wasnt very nice. they sent me on my way when i was physically better and then i had to wait 3 months before i got to speak to anyone profesional i saw her twice and she sent me on my way.

this next part is gunna be quite hard for me. oh and sorry its so long so far.

when i was at primary school my best friend was called laura we went every where together did everything together we were always at each others sides. one of the years we had a big fall out we didnt speak for about 4 months. she had called me fat and i was already hating myself because of my size i wasnt big but i wasnt like the other girls. so i stopped eating and when i did i forced myself to throw it back up afterwards. it was four months before anyone noticed when i fainted in PE. we then started talking again me and laura and soon we were like before always together. in year 4 i can remeber one time i slept round her house we were about to go to bed we used to put on little plays for her mum and dad always in really small outfits god knows where she got them but anyway we were about to go to bed and pinned me down and asked me if i wanted to play a game i said yes being like 8. so she closed the door told me to sit on the bed to cut a long story short and so i dont have to go into detail she forced me to do 'stuff' with her. i didnt really know it was wrong until her brother walked in and then dragged me out and told me, at first i thought every girl played that game. its just soooo amazing knowing you had your first sexually experience with your best friend when your 8 ...... not. anyway after year 5 we didnt really talk she started throwing things at me.

ever since i can remeber at school ive been bullied either because of my size how i talk or dress because im classed as gribley/emo. anyway at primary school it wasnt that bad a few nasty names but that was it really. but when i went to secondry school it got worse i had death threats dayly i had people randomly hitting me i was their human punching bag. i never told anyone that i was being bullied, im a very clumsey person so when i went hone with bruises i could just tell my mum and dad i fell over or walked into something (that happens alot) and they would believe me. after they had got bored of hitting me they then started getting all the friends i did have to turn against me i even got pushed in front of cars a few times luckily they have breaks.

and i now have exams

basically i hate my life i hate how i look and im trying to lose a stone in 29 days just to be able to get into my prom dress and it sucks because i know i wont be able to do it.

everything is just getting too much. i dont want to be here anymore. i want nothing more than to just die. help????? anyone.

rachel

ps sorry its so long

[inkyspider]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now.

I'm really sorry but i'm not in a place to reply properly to you, i will try when i am.

I just wanted to let you know that you're strong enough to get through this and you will be able to.
Stay safe,
Tabby x

[Anansi]

Oh Rachel sweetie -hugs-
I don't even know where to start with this, it sounds like you have had it so so hard. None of this is fair on you at all.

First of all, try not to put your only experience with health services down as negative and write it off as an option all together. I can tell you I have talked to a couple of people regarding my problems and it's just about finding the person who is compatible for you.
This means that it might help you to try again, maybe find somewhere near you that does counselling (like CAHMS) or go to your GP - you never know, you could find someone who could really help you out.

Secondly, I'm worried you're blaming some of this stuff on yourself, because it sounds like you are. These bullies are calling you things and being horrible to you - that does not mean they are right or that it is your fault at all!!
Bullies often do that to people to project their own insecurities onto others, they are the ones in the wrong and not you.

Also, losing a stone in 29 days is very unsafe and probably not worth the health risks just to get into your prom dress. Is it too late now to try and find a better prom dress that you don't have to lose so much weight for? (Also remember that your size in dress may be different to your size in everyday clothes because it was for me).

In relation to the situation with your mum and dad - I'd suggest maybe trying to sit down and talk to your mum. Maybe tell her your fears about your dad or even your worries about your self harm. You could even show her what you have written here (or alter it a little bit and put it in a letter). If she still finds it hard to understand your self harm you could show her a support site (like RYL).
I only suggest this because my mum reacted to my self harm just like yours has to you. I gave her a link to RYL and she soon understood - she even helped m to get help.

Finally, I'm here if you want to talk and I'm sorry this probably isn't very helpful. I tried to come up with the most useful advice possible but my brain isn't working very fast :)
Lots of love, Emma. x

[ladybug]

just replying has helped well maybe not helped but see that imnot alone if that makes sence.

I don't really know what to say, but all of Emsidoodles advice is really really good especialy about not giving up with getting help. The fact that you have tried before shows that you are a strong person, as it's often a scary thing to do that, so well done!

I'm not in a great place right now, but know that everyone is here to help you in any way they can *hugs*

take care of yourself Rachel
xxxxxx

[ladybug]

thanks. but to be honest i was forced by the hospital to talk to people.

[Anansi]

I'm glad it helped to make you feel less alone - and even if you were forced you have still been brave in opening up to them as Zaza said.

If you don't get the advice you need from this thread you could try posting the specific parts of this that you want advice from in particular threads. That may get you some more relevant replies.

Lots of love, Emma. x

[ladybug]

thanks.