want HOLIDAYS OVER

hidingme · 19-12-2011, 07:15 PM

lots of us here right now so if typing changing that is why. sorry.

papa (dads dad) passed away 3 days of christmas last yr dec 28.
-scarey but this yr that is the day mom is getting her first dose of stronger chemo =( -

we realized somehow we lost time when papa died that day. at the time we thought we remembered it all but well last week we spoke to day about that day in the hospital. we remember looking at him and sadie ( one of us inside) wanting to go talk to dr or nurse.
then we remember mom telling us it was time to go. we remember him smiling from ear to ear at aly.. he alwqays lit up seeing her,, she is his only great granddaughter.

anyhow dont even remember if we spoke to him or told him we loved him.

seemed we were only there for 10-15 min before left. but dad and hubby both say we were there about an hour and we did talk to him..

no one told us what we said to him tho. =/
I hope we at least told him we loved him,-L (cries)

one thing that really makes me upset and cry is that dad says papa didnt smile at aly like that.. he was smiling at ME like that

(sorry tears,,)
*deep breath*

i cant seem to get papa outta my mind.. last year was the last christmas we had with him. he was happy and energetic and kept saying" this is the best christmas ever".. ithnik he musta knew it would be his last..

i shoulda spend more time with him that day but i wasnt feeling good.. how selfish of me. =(

i miss him..........

3 days later he had a hemmorrage internally and passed away 15 min after we left the hospital to visit him =(

papa- i love you so much and i really really miss you. im glad you are finally with granny again where you desrve to be since she is/was the love of your life.
im sorry i wasnt there more for you.
just know youre missed VERY much.

i love and miss you.

i lovs yu papa =..(

Sooty · 21-12-2011, 03:04 AM

Dear hidingme

Your love for your papa is so obviously strong just through this thread that there is no way that he didn't know how much you loved him before he left. If you can transmit that intensity of love through a computer screen to a complete stranger then your papa could feel and still can feel the love you have for him.

It's easy to look back and say what you could or should have done but it can't be undone and I think it's probably just your own harsh judgement of the time. I'm sure that your papa never once questioned how often or how long you visited him in the end.

From your message it seems like your papa was a pretty amazing man with a lot of love and warmth for his family. He shall always live on in your memories and it is your 'duty' to keep his memory alive by remembering all the good times rather than dwelling on the possibilities.

Where ever your papa is now I'm sure he's beaming down on you and your family with pride. A person that special will always leave behind a mark on another person's soul and he has very much done that with you. Nurture that mark on your sole and take from it all that you can.

I hope that this holiday time for you is as easy as it can be. Take care.

Sophie.x

hidingme · 21-12-2011, 02:39 PM

thank you sophie. your post made me cry.. and i just put on makeup for work lol
sometimes i just wish i could remember things right.. its scarey andfrustrating to realize a year later that i dont remember everythingthey way it happened..
there has just been so much going on lately.. things just get harder and harder..
went to my parents the other day and saw mom set out the little stuft snowman papa gave her last yr...of course it had me crying,,again,, sigh..'ya know they say god or whoever the "higher being" is called doesnt give you anymore than you can handle.. but im seriously starting to wonder if that is true.
this christmas is gonna be really hard .. wish it would just be over already.
thank you again sophie.-L