kind of long rant

[komaeda]

(TRIGGER WARNING)

I'm tired of people saying it's gonna get better. It won't get better for me. I'm ruining my own future. I'm not joking, procrastination is a real thing that I can barely control. Or maybe I can, and I'm just lazy. Yeah, probably that. Tonight is the night I've cried in what seemed like a while. I didn't sob, but I teared up. Earlier, I read the information in my parent’s pretty strong pills. I placed my hand on it. I was about to open it. I didnt, because I'm a coward.
I'm tired of looking up information, and seeing people telling you to go out and rock climb or so something like that. I'm young. I can't. I can't tell my parents about this. With not doing work, I ruin my future and make it harder to achieve what I want. I have an F in Math and Social studies. I will draw instead of doing work. I will tell my parents I did my work when I didnt. I have more than 19 missing papers. I am an idiot that can't control where their life leads. Wait, I can. I'm just too lazy to make that choice.
I'm too scared to tell a person I know I don't want to be friends with her. Hannah told me I can't tell my parents I'm attracted to the same sex. I would have told them if it wasn't the fear of what she would say. And here I am, ranting at 11:46, as I know this will be a sleepless night. I cant ask to stay home, I've done that twice in the past few weeks. I feel so overwhelmed, and I put this on myself.
Of course, the websites tell me I'm selfish. And I am, probably. I'm selfish because I want to put my pain onto others by commiting suicide, looking up painless ways.
No. I probably wont. I'm too much of a coward. Overdramatic. Rude. Annoying. Sloppy. Gross. I don't hate how my face looks, no. I hate my sloppy clothes I wear too much. I hate my personality. I hate myself.

[Unbreakable.]

*sends hugs*

I could have written this myself back when I was a teenager and it also is how I felt a long time at uni too. I can see you are hurting and that you struggle.

Can you pinpoint what makes it so hard to do things?
People who procrastinate don't do think because they are lazy or useless. I understand the out of control feeling and the contradicting thoughts of self blame. It takes up so much energy to hate oneself and feel like nothing can help.

Have you considered getting help with school work?
Maybe there is a guidance counselor at your school or you have friends that could sit down with you and you can do school work together.

Things won't improve by themselves but they can do that if you get some help and are willing to work with the support offered.