The nurse said I have to eat something if I want to go for a walk in the grounds. Like that's going to happen. She also said if I keep going like this I'll have to have an IV. But she was just trying to scare me.
Lying to everyone is screwing with my head.
Last edited by tamobhuuta : 19-06-2017 at 05:50 PM.
Reason: Add a bit
Lying allows me to continue to restrict and please the voices.
A friend keeps telling me I need to act against my fears. One way to do that would be to accept even one of the supplements but I'm so so scared I will lose the feeling of control.
Last edited by tamobhuuta : 19-06-2017 at 07:40 PM.
Reason: Add a bit
I know I'm asking a lot of questions but it's just easier to have a clear picture. What does pleasing the voices do for you? Why is pleasing the voices positive?
I think your friend has some wise words. Also choosing to take a supplement? That is You Making A Choice and therefore being In Control.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Pleasing the voices means they're less shouty and there's more space in my head. Granted that space is entirely taken up by thoughts of restricting but it's still kind of nice.
OK, they didn't stop the fresubins, they just changed it to PRN. My allocated nurse for the day isn't happy, he says I pulled the wool over the psych's eyes. He says PRN isn't just when the patient wants it, it can be when staff think you need it. But it's not like they can force it down my throat.
I asked for a fresubin tonight, drank it all and haven't tried to purge it. A friend told me to do something everyday to fight the voices and tonight was the first time I felt able to do that.
Mum says my eyes ARE sunken and my face and inside of my eyelids is pale. But I feel fine.
You should be so proud of yourself. You are completely doing the right thing. The war in your head thing is hard in my experience there is one thing that makes the war in your head harder, and that is not feeding your body properly. Taking the fresubin as you have managed to do the last couple of nights will help this and the war will get easier. The first few days are hard and you did brilliantly to drink it two nights in a row!!
I collapsed this morning. They want me to commit to taking fresubins every day but I can't. They also want me to have more fluids but I drink so much already.
One of the nurses said I was on her radar for needing an IV.
Last edited by tamobhuuta : 28-06-2017 at 09:07 PM.
Reason: Add a bit
Hi, You know that you are able to take the fresubin with your night meds. Start there. What is the consequence for committing and not being able to? I think that you want to get better. Do you?
I am sorry that you are overwhelmed, but the nurses and your mum want what is best for you. If you do not want to get an IV you need to show yourself that you can take steps towards healthy choices.
Your body is warning you that you are not taking care of it by collapsing. Do you think the voices are looking out for you? If you feel like you are at war with them, let your mum and nursing staff help you until you are strong enough. You deserve to get better.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I have recently been diagnosed with an ED which I needed in order to get treated and to look at my relationship with food as more than just a side issue. I get the control part, but I think that it is a distraction from dealing with issues that are really bothering you.
Again- you can now know you are capable of taking fresubin with morning meds and night meds. That is amazing!! And in reality, you just need to take steps moment by moment. You have the support of the nurse, the urges will be there- but you are stronger than you realized!
My voices are getting louder and it can be scary, but at the same time, I know that change is coming too.
Baby steps- moment by moment.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Congrats!!! One day at a time!!! See your nurse as your ally in getting better. You don't have to like her or like it- but as someone said earlier, it will give you the strength to discern the voices and make better choices.
Surrendering a bit of control can sometimes help you achieve what you truly dream of achieving.
Baby steps.....good on you!!
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I fainted again yesterday. My mum wants me to talk to my nurse tomorrow about eating more but I don't want to eat more, not yet. Talk of IV and NG tube is just to frighten me I'm a long way from needing those, my body is very resilient.
