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Old 31-10-2015, 03:03 AM   #21
dbus-daemon
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
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I'm a bit calmer in general now. The trouble is that when I am under enormous stress I tend to forget some details of that event.

I did actually tell the police that he wore a condom but I can't remember much about making my statement, it was like watching it happening to somebody else.

The thing I am having trouble with is the humiliation of what happened. It is totally humiliating to admit what happened.

The other question I can't answer is that I was too scared to say "no" and kept quiet during the encounters, so I didn't tell the men that I didn't want it.

I don't know if they did rape me because I didn't say "no" so they had no way of knowing I didn't want to. I can't ruin their lives because I was too much of a coward to tell them I didn't want them to do that to me.

PS:-

The police said that it was gang rape but I still don't know what to think because I didn't actually say "no" or try to stop them in any way so IDK what to think.


Last edited by dbus-daemon : 31-10-2015 at 03:07 AM. Reason: edited for clarification
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Old 31-10-2015, 04:30 PM   #22
dbus-daemon
 
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I'm still scared that those men are going to carry out their threats to hurt me and my family. The fear and anxiety is unbearable to be honest. I don't know what to do, whether I should tell the police about the death threats although there is no evidence, it's just my word against theirs.

PS:-

The man that I am most scared of said that he's the boss and I better do what he says. He grabbed me and held me down by my throat and said he'd show me what happens if I don't obey him. That was the day that I started my statement. He said that unless I I want more of the same I'd better keep my mouth shut. If I do go to the police and tell them about being intimidated into keeping quiet, I might cause the men to carry out their threats. Mind you getting killed by them would at least mean I'll be safe from them.

This sort of stuff isn't supposed to happen to men. I'm supposed to fight back or something, not let them attack me over and over again or be unable to move because I'm so scared. I don't know why they chose me as their victim either. The humiliation and fear is crushing me.


Last edited by dbus-daemon : 31-10-2015 at 04:51 PM. Reason: Updated it
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Old 31-10-2015, 11:20 PM   #23
dbus-daemon
 
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I should have done this from the start but I was too scared and humiliated to do so.

I’m going to the police on Monday. I’m going to tell them the full scale of what’s been happening. They only know about the most recent attack, but I’m going to report historical ones too and the death threats and physical attacks and intimidation into keeping me silent.

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The historic abuse I’m going to report happened when me and my ex were together, his mates would often join in the attacks or watch (although I doubt if watching someone being raped is actually a crime of any sort).

That was even more humiliating and terrifying knowing that nobody would help me and they enjoyed what they saw too. I can’t describe the humiliation of having those other men there, watching and sometimes taking part in it and helping him do what he did. It was really, really awful. It made the humiliation even stronger.


I’m going to speak to the officer handling my case on Monday, but I am very scared and anxious about it in case I’m not believed or that the men do carry out their threats if they find out I’ve told on them when I promised them I wouldn’t.

I’m very, very scared. What if the police don’t believe me? It’s not supposed to happen to men,
The following content has been hidden - Reason : contains abuse
especially gang rape over and over again.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Contains abuse
What if they blame me because I didn’t do anything to stop them, I didn’t say “no” or anything. I just lay there completely still and silent. I didn’t do anything to stop it.

I feel ashamed too, humiliated even. I should have seen that my boyfriend and his “mates” were trouble, but I didn’t. It’s humiliating to have to admit that I let these men beat and rape me over and over again and I didn’t put up a fight or try to stop them.

It doesn’t matter what threats or weapons they had I should have done something instead of standing there, but I know that it was extremely dangerous to fight back although I should have at least tried.

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Old 01-11-2015, 04:11 PM   #24
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I can’t think clearly when I am stressed and believe me I am totally stressed out. I really can’t take this sort of stress. I’m going to try to explain the situation a lot better in one post than however many I’ve posted.

During the time that me and him were together and he was raping me, his friends would usually (but not always) be there. They’d sometimes watch and sometimes also attack me too.

Once I broke up with my (ex) boyfriend, he would still attack me (sexually and physically). Again his friends would take part in the attacks, or watch for their own pleasure.

My ex was jailed for attacking someone else about a month ago. In court he grassed up his gang/friends. Since then these men have been putting a LOT of pressure on me to keep quiet.

Last week the police wanted to speak to me about what my ex said in court and if it was true. I confirmed that I had been attacked recently by these men but I never told them about the previous attacks or their attempts to keep me quiet once they heard they were grassed up.

The police know about the most recent attacks by these men. Tomorrow I’m going in to speak to the officer handling my case and tell them the full scale of it all.

The reason that I didn’t tell them was that I was too scared and too ashamed to admit that I had let these men gang rape me over and over again. I was also too scared of the men’s threats. They were extremely vivid in telling me what they’d do to me, my friends and my family and I believe them.

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Old 02-11-2015, 03:28 PM   #25
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Those men have all been arrested and charged. They are all out on bail and are to keep well away from me and my family. If I see them then I have to get the police out at once.

The police want me to do a full statement and I am still worried about it even though I've done it before.

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Old 03-11-2015, 05:24 PM   #26
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I was down the police station today making my statement. I couldn’t stop crying and shaking though, it was really embarrassing. Just actually saying out loud what they did to me, that was hard. I realised how bad it was the second I actually described what happened, and how they did it. I’ll be back tomorrow to finish my statement. Somehow, I felt a lot better afterwards. I’ve never actually spoken about what I’ve been through until today so it's been therapeutic strangely enough.

I’m feeling less and less like it’s my fault I was attacked by these men. If it was my fault, the police wouldn’t have spent time and considerable effort taking my statement and arresting those men.

When I actually described what happened, I knew I couldn’t have fought back.

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Old 04-11-2015, 05:04 PM   #27
dbus-daemon
 
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Well that's it all over for the time being. I've made my statement and frankly it has been tiring. I've never been so exhausted mentally and physically.

All I need to do now is wait and we'll see what happens insofar as going to court and having them prosecuted.

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