See, because I need to be given permission to eat - when I have permission, I can do it. So, if they say to me you need to eat 'x' amount of calories a day, plan it out this way, and do this. It is giving me a 'shield' to battle against the Ana voice in my head - whereas, if I try to do it, and think, I'l eat 'this' then it's like 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'..... and I have nothing to fight of those thoughts with. If they TELL me what I need to be eating 'for my health' then I'm allowed to do it? I don't know whether I'm making any sense, sorry if I'm not. I kinda, I can't explain exactly what I mean, I think because I can't fully understand it myself? I don't know. However, it's got to be serious, because of the help they are giving - and what they are saying. They wouldn't be making me have the tests I've got to have if there wasn't a problem. They wouldn't be making me see the people that I am if there wasn't a problem. I wouldn't have been banned from doing a million and one things on holiday if it wasn't serious, they wouldn't be talking about IP if it wasn't serious, I wouldn't be as 'ill' as I am if it wasn't serious. Dad told me last night that the ED specialist was 'worried about me' and she said it's important that I don't 'get any worse'..... and although when he said it I was like yeah right... I mean, he wouldn't lie to me, so if he told me that's what she said, then she must have said it - because he wouldn't lie to me.
I shall shut up now.... I have rambled. x
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