forcing self to stay awake as a form of self harm?
Does anyone else do this? When everything first started I felt I was not deserving of sleep, and had to stay awake as long as possible. The later it was , the more likely it was someone would like me. I also did it to punish myself for being a loner, etc.
This was when i was around 12 or 13/14, now I am 18 and although i do suffer from insomnia, I've realised that on bad days, I still force myself to stay awake. I'm not sure whether this is conscious or not, but I will often stay up until i am almost crying and in pain from tiredness, despite having to get up the next day.
I was wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar, and whether you think it counts as a form of 'self harm' if you like? (I know the term doesnt seem to fit but it sort of does if I'm doing it with the intention of punishment / depriving myself / damaging my body in a more subtle way through exhaustion?).
I feel at a loss about how to stop myself doing it as I often dont realise (so maybe it's more of a compulsion?) And I haven't figured out what triggers it (sometimes when i feel awful I just sleep, so it isn't always the same) plus it is hard to decipher between being wide awake and wanting to be wide awake. Basically, if I can't figure it out I have no idea how to deal with it.
Maybe I am just crazy.
Last edited by cloudedmind : 29-08-2013 at 12:50 AM.
Reason: trying to make sense!