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Old 11-12-2014, 04:01 PM   #1
manic_felinemistress
 
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emotions spewing everywhere

So this is long.
I got out of a crisis hospital back in september, but I haven't felt the same since. I just feel off. I cry at everything, even jokes. Plus I'm home from college for break and my mother and I have a bad relationship. She projects all her insecurities on to me and can't handle if I'm anything off how she envisioned herself. The main things she tears me apart on is my weight and my art. She thinks I'm going to die of obesity. She's really fixated on it and rather underweight herself. She's been trying to force me to take diet pills and reduce my caloric intake to basically starvation. I eat when I'm upset, and college has really gotten to me. I'd probably drop out if I wasn't so close (one semester left). I'm not doing well grade wise, but that doesn't really matter in the art field as long as your portfolio is strong. The problem is I picked the wrong major and realized too late so my grades show that. I figure as long as I have a degree though it won't matter if my portfolio is stunning. My professor say they don't even ask about GPA or that kind of thing, they usually just want to see your work. Which is great, it calmed me so much when I learned that. I've just been forcing myself to take a full load of classes (5) every semester and my brain can't handle it. I also feel like my mother doesn't respect what I do, she still looks at my work as a child's drawings instead of a blooming professional artist's portfolio. She threw a huge fit that lasted several days when I told her I was selling my art and she said, "Wait, I need to see what your selling first." I thought, "okay she's probably going to buy something from me." When I told her the price, which was a 1/3 of what it's worth based on industry standards, she yelled at me and started listing everything she'd done for me, then said I was, "over pricing" everything. I stood my ground and said she can't have the painting without payment. Then she got very passive aggressive and went to to a furniture store and dropped the same amount I was asking on a print and said, "I prefer this, worth it and cheaper" She also said a lot more, but the point is being home makes me very angry due to the lack of respect.
Of course, I also have three terrible roommates back at college that add to my stress. I'm 23, one of my roommates is 28, and thinks she's older and wiser than everyone and tries to act like a mother. She goes into my room without my permission. She moves my stuff, she's tried cleaning MY room. She even moved my birth control that I kept in the main fridge and didn't tell me. You don't touch someone else's medication.I feel like that should be common sense....
All of my roommates are loud. None of them knock before entering my room, and they just walk in. They keep me up until late into the night and wake me up early morning because they have no concept of sound. If I ask them to quiet done they just do a lesser version of yelling, which is still yelling. And I realize some people have difficulty controlling that, but that's not what it is. They're attention seeking, so if you don't respond to them or seem interested they get louder.
They're incredibly anal, I staying home during Thanksgiving break and I went out at 1 PM with my bestfriends the day they were suppose to come back. They said they'd get back at 6 PM, so I figured anything that MIGHT be messy I could clean up when I got back. All I left in the common room was Pokemon cards and the giant stuffed toys that they usually sit on were all on the floor because I invited people over since my roommates were out to watch movies. So we were sitting on the floor. One of my roommates sent my friend a text message saying, "Did Jessica get drunk off her ass and trash the apartment?" My friends got so angry because they had been there that day, they knew what the apartment looked like. The sink was clean, I did all my roommates dishes when the left them out before they left. I mopped the floors, cleaned the table tops. Everything.
I get back and the older roommate, let's call her Jenny, was furious. She came out with her hands on her hips and said, "what do you have to say for yourself?"
"about what?"
"ABOUT WHAT?" then she started screaming for the rest of the fight. I only raised my voice twice, because she literally was making up stuff and wouldn't listen unless I did. "You refused to clean the apartment" and stuff like that. She went on for a while about how "the couches weren't aligned properly" and how the plush toys, which are always on the floor because everyone uses them as chairs, were on the floor. The entire time this fight was going on, the loudest of my roommates, stayed at her door and popped her head into the room everytime she agreed with Jenny. By screaming, "YEAH." or "SERIOUSLY" I turned to her and asked her to stop because it was only inciting more anger, and she gave me a stink eye. The last roommate just paced in and out of the room muttering stuff under her breath and cussing. At the end of it Jenny said she was so glad it didn't become a screaming match and offered me some booze as a sign of solidarity, which I didn't want to drink, it seemed weird after they accused me of smashing the apartment while wasted. Also, I've only gotten drunk once there, and all I did was fall asleep. I'm not some partier, I get drinks when I'm hanging out with close friends, but I'm on so many meds I wouldn't be able to drink even if I wanted to. Eventually I took the drink and sipped it and gave it back because Jenny was so upset about me not taking it. Then she said, "Now we wont' talk about each other behind each others backs anymore." I had only discussed this with my two friends and boyfriend, and that was to try and figure out what to do. I asked my friends about it later and they said, "Yeah, she's always trying to gossip about you very loudly in class." So that made me feel even less comfortable. I let it slide for a while, but then everything they've been doing hit me at once. Especially the TV thing. Basically my parents let me have their TV they use for business conventions for my dorm. Which I was very greatful for. What I didn't know at the time was that my roommates would never let me use the TV and whine when I was using it. Then they started raging about the TV's box being in the living room corner. I told them, "you kept your microwave box, why?"
"for storage and travel"
"And that's what I'm doing." I thought I was being very logical, I learned they had been complaining about this box to everyone in the school. When they use to the TV at least 6 hours a day. I might get to use it once a week if that. So when they were like, "we need to respect the living room because it is our common living space to be shared" I got mad, because they have never done that. I can't even use the kitchen table because their stuff is always all over it.
So if I don't switch I'll probably just keep my door locked 24/7 and stay at my boyfriend's.
Aside from that, pass or fail is coming up for thesis. I know it's only four more months but it feels like an eternity right now. It's one thing to try and manage just mental illness, it's another when everyone around you is toxic.
I feel like I should still be in the hospital. I just feel like I'm stuck waiting to get out of here (college and home) and get my own place. I feel like once i have that things will be a lot more solid, but for now I'm pulling my hair out.

Any advice for any of this? Roommates? Parents? People in general?


Last edited by crazykat : 12-12-2014 at 04:38 AM. Reason: removing weight numbers. please see PM
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Old 14-12-2014, 05:29 AM   #2
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The first bit? Serious talk? Do you want to stay in College or not? I'll say what I would say to any of my students. You cannot keep making excuses like "X assignment doesn't matter, Y is more important", then Y comes along and you're like "Y doesn't matter, I just need to care about the Final". If you want a good degree, you have to have to care about all of it. Just because they don't ask about GPA does NOT mean it doesn't matter how you do. GPA may be a slightly bulls--t number, but it does reflect real values. If you want a good degree, you really need to start caring, or think about whether you really want it. Soon, it'll be too late.

Sorry I don't know what to say about the roommate situation. They sound really toxic. :/ I hope you have better luck in the future when you move away from them. :/

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Old 16-12-2014, 07:42 PM   #3
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I do want the degree, I just feel very out of place. I realized junior year I'm not in the right major, and I investigated into switching; but none of my credits would transfer into that major and I asked the head of the department and he said I'm on the line between the two majors so I don't really fit in either. So it's not that I don't care, it's just that it's been extremely difficult and it's wearing on me. The thing, as my professors have put it, I really have a different and unique style that doesn't fit into any art major, it's just it's own thing. And none of them know what to do with it. Because they grade based on a specific criteria to the major and what is expected of that kinda art. I just don't fit in any of the molds. And believe me I've tried to, but eventually I just went back to doing what I do best because it was destroying my frame of mind. But I need the degree to get a job. Everyone has told me my work is really good and I could get a job easily, I just need the degree sadly.

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