Confused

[Auror.]

Hi, I am sorry for another thread. I hope this is okay. It is sort of separate?

I saw a therapist person today for "case management." He basically just gave me a list of places to try for therapy since they cannot offer me anything there. He also wrote up what to say when I try to email places, and said that if I cannot find a way to contact the places via email, since phone is not an option, to just go there in person.

He also said that really the only service they can offer is if I need something urgently. I asked him to define urgent. First he said well if I was suicidal. But then I asked how you would define that as urgent if you are constantly suicidal. He said if you had a plan and a date and it was more than just thoughts in the back of your head, and if you felt unsafe.

I have multiple plans. One of them would likely get me kicked out of uni. The other, I have the means and it has been sat here on my desk for weeks. There is not a point in putting it away since I will be going through with it. I sort of have a date set. I have for a while. I feel like the plan that would get me kicked out of uni if it failed to work would be more likely to be effective, but it would also be more painful. It is also harder to acquire the means, hence why it would get me kicked out.

I did not mention any of this to him as it was nothing to do with why I was there, and I had gone over the appointment time and they were closed for the day. I am confused as if this would fall under his needing urgent care thing or not. I do not really think I am unsafe. But then again I am always unsafe. So I am no more unsafe than I am normally. Hospital would not be helpful. If I am not dead (which is debatable) and if I am not going to be dead (i.e. do not go through with it) then I would need to hold onto the things I do have, which would be my dog, school, and my job. The more I keep going to those things the easier it is to keep up with things. Sort of.

This is not new. This has been set for weeks. The plans have at least. The date keeps changing. I am confused as to whether this falls under the category of urgent or not? I also do not see what they could do besides hospital. He said if they think someone can stay safe they would not send them to hospital, but given my history and the fact that I have the means and am unwilling to get rid of the means or put it away, I feel like they would see as too much of a risk.

I have not really told anyone about this. I think most people think that because I have not been in hospital and have been mostly going to classes and work that things are better but really I am just trying to stay off the radar so nobody suspects anything is wrong. Which is apparently working.

I kind of would consider trying to talk to the person I saw today about it if it were an urgent thing and there were a way to not get sent to hospital. I do not see how that would happen. He said that the people who take the urgent appointments changes every day and there is no guarantee he would be the one I would speak to. Plus risk and hospital.

I am unsure. It is all kind of jumbled up. How do you know if something is actually urgent or not?

[sherlock holmes]

I get the sense that you've been managing one way or another to not act on your suicidal thoughts. Like you said, when you keep doing regular things like school, work, looking after your job then it's easier to keep going despite having those thoughts.

I would say that when you stop being able to carry on, and you feel an immediate urge to act on your plan ie you know you are going to do it there and then, or you've decided to definitely do it in the next few days and you're carry out preparations for it then that means it's urgent and you need immediate help.

They may have ways of helping you without hospital, and so it would be good to let them know when it gets urgent and you can try to figure out together what to do. It might not be the same person you spoke to, but I think actually you are able to speak to new people, you just don't feel like you can.

[Auror.]

I mean, it is definitely going to happen. As far as when, if I tell someone when it would be that would definitely ruin it and make it not happen. So that implies it really isn't urgent, does it not?

I am really not good with explaining things to people. Especially people I do not know, and when it is something like this and they are likely to freak out.

The man yesterday said something about it being a catch 22 because I need help with anxiety but anxiety stops me from getting help. I dunno.

I am not stupid and I am not being unrealistic. Eventually I am going to end up killing myself whether I want to or not, and given everything that is going on it makes more sense to just get it over with and make things better and safer for everyone else.

[Auror.]

.....

Sorry. It's fine. It's all fine.

[Auror.]

yet another organisation does not know what to do with me. something about i have to know what i want to work on even though i have zero idea what they can do or offer there, and that their therapy is dbt based which i have done before and do not find helpful, and oh if i might have an eating disorder (which i have to say because i am technically diagnosed with one though i disagree and i say that too) then they would not be able to deal with that.

seriously? i am so fucking sick of this. what's the point?

[Auror.]

justin has said he would take the dog if i were dead. i said i wanted her to have a good human and my mother cannot be trusted. i asked if his girlfriend/fiance would be nice to her and he said she definitely would. she is nice to his dog now. so i am glad that is sorted.

[ChangelingGirl]

I'm so sorry you're struggling with getting the rght kind of help. I think you desperately need it because clearly you're unsafe, but then again you aren't immediately acting on your plan. It sucks that you can't get proper help. Do you know what ytpe of hterapy youw ould ifnd helpful, as you say you don't find DBT helpful? Hav eyou ever in your life experience helpful therapy?

[Auror.]

I've never found therapy helpful before. So it's hard for me to know how it would be able to help or what I would want to work on.

I'm really not sure I even care at this point. I am supposed to try other places according to medical doctor but why bother? I cannot even find email contact for them so there is not really a way to do so.

I have a date set and someone who can be trusted to take the dog. I would like to not exist now but it seems better to wait until things are sorted.

[sherlock holmes]

I think now is the time to contact that place because this is an emergency.

[Auror.]

Why is it one now and it was not before? What would I say?

I am unsure there is a point. I do not want it ruined.

[DestroyMe]

It was an emergency before though. The fact that you actively have a plan and have a date denotes that it is an emergency. It's good that you've been able to put it off and keep busy that the fact that you even said you're going to end up killing yourself no matter what means it is an emergency and you need to contact the doctor/therapy place.

if he asks about why you never said anything before maybe explain that you mis-heard what counted an urgent and you didn't think that this would imply?

[whirlpools]

You're making firm plans and preparations to end your life. You're 'putting affairs in order', you have the means readily available and you have a date. I would definitely say this is urgent.

I really empathise with not wanting to jeopardise the opportunity to go through with suicide plans, so I'm not too sure what to say to help, I guess my thought would be if there's any doubt at all in your mind or any kind of conflict, please reach out for help and safety. Even if there isn't any doubt, still please reach out. I know it's selfish but we don't want to lose you.

[Zurg]

The thing is Carmen, if there is just a small part of you that wants things to change, to be different, you have to choose to live. If you die you won't be able to go back and change that, it's final. You have the opportunity to make some changes but it requires that you stay alive.

I also want to say that however much you think it would be best for everyone if you die it's simply your illness lying to you. No one would be better off without you. No one would have your life end and say it was better that way. No one.

I have lost friends to suicide and while i don't want this to come across as guilt tripping i can say that it's the most soul destroying feeling i have ever experienced. To witness someone you love, someone you would have carried through life if only they would have let you, choose to end it because they couldn't reach out for your help anymore. They are gone now but i remain and i have to live with the pain every day for the rest of my life. That pain will never go away. It won't go away either for the people who know and care about you.

I am just a stranger on the internet but i can see that the choice you are about to make is the wrong one. Please contact the place they told you to contact in case of an emergency. This IS an emergency. This is a life at stake,YOUR life. And you are needed and you are important to a lot more people than you realise.

[Auror.]

I can be safe until the date, I have things almost every day that I have to do. This does not feel urgent. I am afraid telling anybody in real life would ruin it and then I could not do the things I actually do have to do.

[Auror.]

Meant to say thank you earlier.

[Auror.]

Could maybe try to go this afternoon but it does not feel urgent and I do have legit things to do this weekend and cannot deal with drama.

[Zurg]

I think you should go. I also think it's urgent.

[Auror.]

I am unsure. I would need to go now if I am going to go.

[Fire Fly]

Are you going to go?

[sherlock holmes]

I hope you went