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Old 20-11-2007, 08:42 PM   #1
*Gothic*Angel*
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Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - what do we do??

i have no idea what to do about this....

me and my gf are spending christmas with her family this year as mine are up in leeds and we are in london.

the thing is we will also be spending christmas with my gf abuser as its her cousin.....and everyone goes round to her grans on christmas day) he has recently moved back to his mums because his wife has kicked him out or something...i tend not to take notice when people talk about him as id rather just kill him for what he's done. we have stopped going round there.....
my gf had told her mum what had happened at the time and i have recently found out that he did the same to her sister...(yet this was brushed under the carpet and nothing done about it) even now my gf is too scared to go to the police....wont talk to me about it but i have read her story on another support website for sexual abuse survivors....

he came round to our house tonight (we live with my gf parents) we didnt even know he was coming round........she went to get a drink from downstairs and she came straight back upstairs and clung to me......she thinks he can still abuse her.....(he abused her when everybody was in the next room before)

my main concern at the moment is my gf.......how will she cope having to spend hristmas with him?
i am a sexual abuse survivor myself and know what it is to see an abuser (mine was a family membe who i lived with) and i know how hard it is and what she must be feeling....
and i dont know if i can cope with being all nice and pretending nothing ever happened like everyone else!

its going to be hard for both of us.......i dont know if i can actually spend the whole day with him......it makes me sick thinking about it.....i have flashbacks from my abuse and my gf helps me through them....and i know that on christmas day she wont be able to help me with them due to the fact that she will have all thsi to cope with....

i dont know what to do for the best....
do i tell her i dont want us to spend christmas with her family (i know she wants to due to her gran being in her 90's and very frail)
do i try and convince her to do our own christmas at her parents house (which i know her mum wont be happy about as it would be the first xmas she doesnt spend with them)
or
do i go along and try and act like nothing has happened???

i really dont know....




What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.

Hecato, Greek philosopher


last cut 23rd september
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Old 20-11-2007, 09:15 PM   #2
hammy
 
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hello
I'm not really sure what to suggest.

It's definately a tricky situation to be in and I wish I could be more helpful than that. You are obviously very caring about your gf.

I dont think you can just pretend that nothing has happened. You need to talk to your gf about it and get it out in the open. Things left unspoken always make it worse, although I know how hard it is. Having been through it yourself you are probalby the best person there is for understanding. Together you can get through this.

post more if it helps.
xxxx



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Old 20-11-2007, 09:40 PM   #3
*Gothic*Angel*
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we have spoken briefly about it but then she clams up and changes the subject wich i can understand completely....i just dont want her to have to see him on christmas day......and deep down i dont think she wants to go to her grans but just wants to keep the piece with everyone!

i care alot about her and it really upsets me when i see her go through everything knowing there is nothing i can do to take it away......
ive held her all night after she has had flashbacks, ive held her when she has self harmed.....ive held her when she has cried so much she cant calm down......

she has told me that she dont want to spoil christmas for everyone as it will be he first christmas we have as a family (and the first xmas of our baby) she just dont want to upset anyone i guess,.....

but me on the other hand dont want her anywhere near him.........when i found out he was here tonight i felt such rage and really wanted to punch him...but i wont do that because i respect my gf too much and it would have caused more upset for everyone.....

its hurting me seeing her go through this and seeing her reaction to him being here tonight.....but i have to be strong for her and be there for her.




What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.

Hecato, Greek philosopher


last cut 23rd september
everyday i get stronger



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Old 20-11-2007, 09:59 PM   #4
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when i read your post I see someone truely caring and loving. You have such strength when faced with such pain its clear. Make sure you take care of yourself through all this aswell. Make sure you ask for support yourself if you need it here.

I can definatley see that you wouldnt want to spend christmas with someone who has hurt your gf like that, and your rage is definately justified!

Its hard to know what to do, and I cant advise you either way.

All I can say is, you keep up that strength of yours and you and your gf can stick together. The two of you can be strong. You're there for each other.

xxx



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Old 20-11-2007, 10:04 PM   #5
Mandimoo
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you're going to have a young baby by then hun, maybe stay away from the big crowds (understandable with colds etc flying about) and go to see her gran on boxing day or for new year's when things are a bit quieter.

mand x



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Old 20-11-2007, 10:10 PM   #6
*Gothic*Angel*
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easier said than done mand.....her mum wants the big family xmas including baby.

i dont know where i get my strength from half the time.....i just want my gf to be happy and not be plagued by him and the memories of what he has done at such a special time of year.

i must be stonger than i think......




What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself.

Hecato, Greek philosopher


last cut 23rd september
everyday i get stronger



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Old 21-11-2007, 12:26 AM   #7
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say you want to spend xmas just as a couple with your baby. or is there anyway you can go to your parents, just stay at their house if they are away. or see friends. you cant always please her mum. you really do sound so caring and concerned and i can understand why you are so angry about this. i would be if i were in your situation. ask your gf what she wants to do for the day, not what her mums wants to do.

*hugs*. i really hope you can find a solution



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Old 21-11-2007, 11:44 PM   #8
Mandimoo
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just say you don't want to expose beth to any germs, you're still settling her into a routine and you want to spend her first christmas just you 3. go and see great-granny another day when it will be quieter so you still get to see her.

It's your lives and your baby. you have the right to insist on how you want things to go.
mand x



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Old 01-12-2007, 02:47 AM   #9
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Perhaps you could have christmas with your family, then suggest they do a boxing day lunch with her mother and gran? I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Men like that make me sick. How dare he think he has any right to abuse her the way he did or the way he obviously still wants to. You said your girlfriend isn't ready to go to the police, maybe she could go to the sexual abuse team in your area and talk to them about getting a restraining order on him? So that if he tried to come to your house again, you could call the cops and not have to explain?
let us know how it goes.

May you have a better christmas then you think you will. And may her cousin rot in a pit of his own filth.

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