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Old 23-07-2019, 12:15 PM   #1461
one_step_closer
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Thank you.

There is no one I can really talk to other than my CPN. Maybe a bed in hospital would help because there are supportive people around lots but yet again I'm thinking of saying no to a bed if one ever comes up for me. I'm seeing my unhelpful support worker today. I feel ashamed and attention seeking if I tell her anything that has been happening. No one knows how hard things have been recently, I don't trust anyone to not judge me other than my CPN.

I'm not really interested in life, good or bad.

It's the men who are sending me additional messages in my tinnitus but it's all unclear and jumbled. I'm scared for the safety of other people while I can't make out the messages. I sometimes feel like I need to wander when the men are about but there aren't usually answers in that either. I kind of wish that someone could see that I'm struggling rather than me having to use ineffective words that no one hears.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-07-2019, 07:59 PM   #1462
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A CPN phoned this afternoon and said my CPN will be off for a while. So worried. They have allocated me another CPN while she is off because they think I need nursing input. The bed situation is still a mess.

I saw my support worker and managed to tell her some things that have been going on but she didn't say much about it and then said to talk about positive things because she's not going to be able to resolve the negative stuff. It would have helped to talk though but I didn't say that.

When I got to the bus station there was a bus in the lay by bit and I didn't know if it was going to leave with passengers because sometimes when they have their break they don't bother moving back to the main bit to pick up passengers and just let passengers on in the lay by bit. It makes me feel awkward and anxious because I don't know what their plan is. There was another bus going my way too so I waited for that since it was in the main bit. The two drivers were talking to each other and swearing lots and calling passengers bastards when they were talking about them. They will definitely hate me. I'm uncomfortable around most people and I act like an idiot.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-07-2019, 02:47 PM   #1463
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Sorry for triple posting.

I'm worried about my neighbours because they have disappeared. They do go on short breaks quite a bit but they usually tell me and there was a weird van thing outside my house on Monday which I thought was either surveillance on me or they had done something to my neighbours. There were no workmen about and the van was there for ages. The guy neighbour's sister lives across the street and I'm not sure if I've seen her about either. I'm stupidly anxious about talking to any of my neighbours so don't know if I can ask them if they know where people are. I'm really compromising their safety because of my stupidity. I don't want to phone the police in case they come and nothing is going on and other neighbours see and talk about me. I have messaged the neighbour guy on Fb but he hasn't been online and he's usually online when they go away. I phoned a place where my key worker, who hasn't been replaced yet, works and spoke to someone and I did say that my anxiety about people in general is quite high right now but that doesn't mean nothing is going on. I am so scared that I am the cause of something awful.

I was worrying a lot in bed last night too about the choices I make when I'm with people. Like yesterday when I went a walk with my support worker she asked which way I wanted to walk around the loch. I chose by the way her body was pointing because I'm really bad at decisions but last night I got caught up thinking about if I said go that way someone might have attacked her or something and that would have been my fault. If I had said go the other way someone might have attacked her or something and that would have been my fault. If I had frozen and not made a decision someone could have attacked her or something in that spot and it would have been my fault. I think I'm going to have to avoid being with people as much as possible. I'm still not properly able to make out the additional messages in my tinnitus so I don't know how to protect people. Terrified.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-07-2019, 06:12 PM   #1464
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Hey there, I’m really sorry things are difficult right now and your CPN and bed situations are messy. Though I’m relatively new to the forums, I have been reading them and noticed that you are very kind and understanding to people here- so I don’t think you act like an idiot around people or are the cause of something awful. If anything, your concern for the people around you in your life, like your neighbors is a sign that if anything, your care for their safety means you aren’t the cause of bad things.

You took steps like messaging another neighbor, which is helpful. Hopefully he will go online soon and reply. I understand what it’s like to be anxious that something awful is happening, but I try to keep in mind the alternative that maybe something ordinary may have occurred instead. And it would not have been your fault if something happened to your social worker during your walk. Though we always keep in mind the possibility of bad things happening when we are anxious, that means we often forget the other very real possibility that nothing bad is going to happen too. We try our best to react to whatever life puts our way, and that isn’t your fault.

I really hope you are feeling better and get the support you deserve. *hugs*

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Old 24-07-2019, 08:07 PM   #1465
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Thank you for your kind reply, I appreciate it.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-07-2019, 08:57 PM   #1466
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Just popping in to say I think you're awesome.
You help so many people on this site, I always see how you reply to loads of people and giving support.
And we love you for that



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 25-07-2019, 10:31 AM   #1467
one_step_closer
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Thank you so much Beckie. <3





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-07-2019, 01:02 PM   #1468
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^ Beckie put it perfectly!





It's a long way down
On this rollercoaster.



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Old 25-07-2019, 04:55 PM   #1469
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^ Agreed!

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Old 25-07-2019, 08:00 PM   #1470
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Thank you all, you are too sweet and/but I love you!

I went to the gym group and went into the gym this time, I tried to go on the treadmill but didn't last long and I was very anxious. I stopped and spoke to the worker and was doing stupid anxious movements. The men were being scary and people weren't safe. I just wanted to disappear. I didn't feel completely real. They were doing circuits outside and I just watched and fidgeted. It was hard to keep on a face.

I did a tiny bit of not good enough self harm. I want to be able to hurt myself in better ways. I have a lot of aches and pains in my knees, legs, back, etc, through not doing my knee exercises and stuff but that's not enough. At the same time I'm worried about the pain getting worse in the future because of my neglect.

I think I saw a family member of my neighbours at their house yesterday evening. I saw their car anyway. The neighbour hasn't replied to my Fb message. Even if I see the neighbours in person and they say they're fine I don't think I could believe them because someone could be manipulating them into saying that. Something is going on. Everyone is in danger. I really wish my CPN was around for me to talk to. I've caused her misfortune though so this is all my doing.

I am so low and alone. There is no one I trust really other than my CPN. I trusted my key but she isn't my key worker any more. No one has said I've been allocated a new key worker. The ward manager was in my dream last night and he said that there were three beds available and I'd be getting one the next day. It's nearly a month I've been waiting now. I am unimportant.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-07-2019, 04:46 PM   #1471
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I need someone but don't know who to contact.

CPN - off sick.

Key worker - left.

Support worker - doesn't respond well.

Duty CPN - things wouldn't be considered a crisis.

Other random CPN who knows me - don't know who to ask for and they will be busy and then I might talk for ages and waste their time.

Informal crisis team - don't start till 5pm but I don't find them helpful any more.

Helplines - don't find them helpful, would probably hang up anyway.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-07-2019, 05:02 PM   #1472
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I phoned the CMHT and explained that my CPN is off and I don't know who I'm supposed to ask to speak to. They put me through to a CPN who is the person I was anxious about a while ago when she turned up at the health centre because I was sure I knew her from before and she hated me. I was right that it was her. I couldn't explain much which I knew would happen. She dismissed me a lot and just told me to distract myself. She said she would get the CPN who is covering for my CPN to phone me on Monday but then she said I've actually got an appointment with my support worker so she'll leave it to her. I just said ok. But I can't talk to my support worker. And I have no support for over the weekend. The CPN who spoke to me will be saying horrible things about me to everyone now. I should never interact with anyone. I absolutely hate myself and so does everyone else. I wish someone would help me die.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-07-2019, 08:20 PM   #1473
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My neighbours car is in their drive. I don't think I can believe they're ok though. I was really upset walking outside to go to the shop and it was hard not to cry. There was so much traffic. I wanted to find somewhere to hide. Then there was a smell of smoke in the street and I was scared my house was on fire and even when I saw it wasn't on fire I kept having images of it on fire. Life is terrifying and painful and I don't want it. I need one more X to overdose but I managed to tell myself not to buy it because then I'd be panicking about it since I'd have enough in the house. But maybe that would help to protect people. Everything is a mess.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-07-2019, 08:55 PM   #1474
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I don't know what to say that will help and I'm really sorry you couldn't speak to the not nice CPN. Please stay safe. <3

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Old 27-07-2019, 02:00 PM   #1475
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Thank you.

I told myself last night that I really need to OD today but again I didn't buy what I need. When I'm really tired in bed in the morning I always think I really don't want to be stuck in hospital where I would get even less sleep so I better not OD. It's kind of pathetic and I don't want to be saving myself.

I have absolutely no idea what to do because no one hears my words other than my CPN and I can't translate my pain into good physical damage either so people think I'm ok. Not that I use physical damage to communicate to others but they seem to think it defines how bad things are.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-07-2019, 02:18 PM   #1476
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
It's kind of pathetic and I don't want to be saving myself.

But maybe on some level you do have a little hope left?

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Old 27-07-2019, 06:50 PM   #1477
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The avoidance of overdosing/attempting suicide comes from general human anxiety, not wanting to get things wrong, ridiculous avoidance of small uncomfortable things like extreme tiredness, trouble swallowing anything when I know I'm trying to overdose. Not hope, sadly.

My neighbour replied to my FB message saying yes they were away but they're now back as I can see. He said his wife is sorry she forgot to let me know. He sent a photo of where they had been. It's not convincing me that they are safe though.

I walked past someone standing next to an expensive car waiting to use the cash machine. I thought 'you don't have to worry, I won't do anything to your car' and then I got upset because some people would do something bad and people do hurt each other. I cut when I came home but rubbishly as usual.

I hope my CPN comes back to work soon. What am I going to do when she's no longer involved in my treatment at all?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-07-2019, 12:09 PM   #1478
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I know partially what I'm supposed to do but even the thought of it makes me know my body is going to protest badly and I likely won't get it done. I am a failure.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-07-2019, 05:10 PM   #1479
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I don't want to have to face life any more. Things are so hard and I'm realising how much I need my CPN, I can't talk to anyone else.

I had a dream about my neighbours last night and it was scary and confirmed that something is definitely going on.

I'm just going to have to try and do what I'm told.

I turn to people and they either dismiss me or I can't speak to them.

It would be a bit more manageable if I could cut properly.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-07-2019, 06:57 PM   #1480
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What am I supposed to do when I am so pathetic and can't push myself to properly sacrifice myself like I'm meant to? I am so weak and stupid. I can't hurt myself enough and I can't push past the anxiety to do bigger things. I am failing the men and I am failing to protect the world. I hate myself. I want to translate my hate into physical injury. I feel trapped because I can't create the physical injury that I want.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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