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Old 12-12-2017, 10:02 PM   #481
Aubergine
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Well done. I'm really glad you spoke to someone good. You definitely exist, as do I and as does this forum.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 12-12-2017, 10:21 PM   #482
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Thank you. Existing is confusing when I feel detached.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-12-2017, 11:35 PM   #483
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It really sounds like it is. Must be very difficult to experience. Is there anything that crisis suggested that helped you to feel more grounded in existence? Or was it talking to them that helped to bring you back?



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 13-12-2017, 08:42 PM   #484
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I think talking is the main thing that helps me, having an obvious connection. It doesn't always make me feel more real but I usually at least feel my distress has eased a bit.

I went to visit my friend who is in hospital today. It was such a stressful experience. She changes her mind lots when she's well and now that she's unwell she was changing her mind multiple times about where we would meet, what we were going to do, what I could do for her. I don't cope well with uncertain and changing plans. She goes to a choir that comes to a hospice on the hospital grounds and the choir was on today so we went to that but I felt too uncomfortable to sing. After it was finished someone asked my friend if she was ok and she said no and that I had lowered the tone by not singing. She seemed displeased and annoyed at everything I did and everything I failed to do. I was having a general conversation with her and was asking if she was getting OT input, then I asked her what OT she was seeing and she told me to stop interrogating her like she is a criminal. I think at one point she bluntly said something like I had come and done nothing for her. I know she's not well but it's still hurtful to hear those things. I recognise that I probably acted a bit like this with my brother when I was in hospital so I feel quite bad about that. I'm not looking forward to visiting again because I'm not in a great place mentally either so it's hard to deal with my stuff and try to put it to the side and deal with her stuff too.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-12-2017, 06:15 PM   #485
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That does sound really difficult. It was really kind of you to visit her, but I’m sorry it went the way it did. I hope you can look after yourself too. It’s ok to put yourself first.

How are you feeling today?





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Old 14-12-2017, 09:40 PM   #486
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Thanks. I'm feeling really discontent with how things are. Fed up facing up to multiple crisis points every day. I'm 2 weeks self harm free but it means nothing to me because I only haven't been self harming because I know I can't do it to the extent that will help.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-12-2017, 07:31 PM   #487
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The two weeks free is still good though.

How are you feeling today?





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Old 15-12-2017, 08:41 PM   #488
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Thanks. I'm feeling really low but without enough words to express it enough to communicate effectively with someone. Can't focus on anything and my usual rotation between internet, TV, and reading isn't giving me much right now. Everything seems dull and pointless.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-12-2017, 08:47 PM   #489
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I’m sorry. I hope this all eases soon. I know how frustrating it is when distractions don’t work.





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Old 16-12-2017, 07:48 PM   #490
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Thanks. I'm still feeling somewhat of a lack of ability to communicate how I'm feeling right now. I need to communicate to someone and it's making me feel a bit helpless not being able to explain things to the extent that I need to. Feeling very hopeless about life anyway. Wanting to do something risky but don't know what and I know I'm not supposed to or people will judge me negatively so I'm trying to not think any deeper about it.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-12-2017, 10:24 AM   #491
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I hope you can stay safe. Thinking of you.





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Old 17-12-2017, 08:33 PM   #492
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Thank you. I have been safe and I am safe in this exact moment. I didn't get out of bed until after 2pm today. I'm really hurting because of it, I had managed 6 days of getting up by 9.30am but it never lasts. I don't know if I can put this down as a one off and get back into the routine but it's never worked like that before. I need to do something to hurt myself. The men need to give me some ideas, my brain is too slow and distant when I try to think about what to do because nothing is ever straightforward, unless I get to an impulsive place, then it's clear what I need to do and I can get on with it.

My friend in hospital is continuing to stress me out. I think she's coming to the place we live tomorrow to give me her keys to look after her cat but she's changing her mind about things so frequently and I may have to go to her. I might have to look after her cat for a prolonged period as she could be in hospital for a further 6 months and she's finding it hard to sort out getting the cat his injections to go into a cattery. I don't mind looking after him or doing things for her, it's the constant not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing that puts me on edge.

I'm so worried that things in my life are just going to get worse and when I get to that point I won't be able to kill myself so I'll have to suffer more.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-12-2017, 09:05 PM   #493
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I can understand that the uncertainty with your friend is stressful. Could you explain this to her?

I am glad you are safe and I hope you continue to be so. Remember to phone crisis if you feel unsafe.





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Old 17-12-2017, 09:24 PM   #494
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I worry about offending my friend as she is easily offended right now and quite paranoid. Will have to adjust to her changing plans, I know that it's hard being in hospital when you have to sort out cat things and washing and stuff.

I wish I wasn't safe to be honest. I really, really want to do something very harmful it's just that I don't know what they could be exactly and I'm trying to control myself while I can because people won't be happy with me if I decide to hurt myself when I have control over my actions.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-12-2017, 09:26 PM   #495
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I think it’s really kind of you to help your friend. Just remember to look after yourself too.





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Old 18-12-2017, 08:01 PM   #496
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Thanks. I've been with my friend through most of the day. She went to her flat and I met her there. We went out to get lunch and she was constantly changing her mind about everything and getting on to me for not making decisions. A couple of times she asked me why I was smirking and said I'm always smirking. That was quite upsetting. I know my face is hideous and does strange things but I don't mean it to. It reminded me of when I was accused of smirking one time in hospital when a support worker was saying that there's nothing even wrong with me. I cried when she wasn't looking and cut myself when I got home. I know my friend isn't well but it's likely that her true feelings about me are coming out. I want to wear an actual mask from now on so no one has to look at my face. She again told me to stop interrogating her at one point 'just because you have a masters' when all I was doing was trying to find out what would be the least anxiety provoking way for her to travel back to the ward.

I'm probably going to have to meet up with her quite a bit now. She was already asking when I'm next going to visit her. It's so stressful. It's hard enough to deal with myself. Now I know for sure that working with mentally ill people isn't ever going to be possible for me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-12-2017, 08:12 PM   #497
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I’m sorry she has made you feel this way. Have you told her that it hurts your feelings? Maybe she doesn’t reaslise.

I promise your face isn’t hideous. You deserved to show it off, not hide away. Please don’t let what your friend has said make you feel this way. It sounds like she was being difficult.





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Old 18-12-2017, 08:30 PM   #498
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Thanks. I don't like to say anything to her about her upsetting me because I don't know how she'll react. She might say something even more hurtful. I did explain to her that I wasn't interrogating her though to which she said nothing. It can't be nice for her to be unwell and in hospital for so long but now I really do understand when people say that it's hard to be around mentally unwell people. I couldn't cope when I was working on the psychiatric wards but this is different because it's my friend and I need to be here for her.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-12-2017, 08:42 PM   #499
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It must be hard, but it’s important you take time to yourself too. You sound like a good loyal friend, but it’s also ok to take care of yourself and your own feelings too.





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Old 18-12-2017, 09:47 PM   #500
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Sometimes we need to express when a border has been crossed. Especially if it happens often. Even though your friend is ill you would be doing her a favour by saying when something is too much or hurts your feelings. You can't sacrifice your won well being even though you want to protect your friend. I know it's not an easy thing to do but when you can feel something was too hurtful to just let it pass then maybe try to gently remind her that you are on her side and you would prefer if she took a little more notice of that.

It is harder to be around an ill friend because you're emtionally invested. I wouldn't rule out working in the field completely, yet. I am quite confident that under the right circumstances and with the appropiate support in place you would be a really good employee in the mental health sector.

I also wanted to say well done for getting up early every morning. And even if it is followed by a period of staying in bed until late then it doesn't take away the achievement of having succeeded for a while. I think you probably think a lot like me, very black and white. I am currently trying to learn that a small success is sometimes as important and hard earned as a big success. Small steps. And it is always okay to not be able to change everything at once. It takes a while to get there and it's ok.

You are trying. And it is important. And i really hope someday that you can recognise that and be proud of yourself.

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