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Old 06-11-2017, 08:26 PM   #341
one_step_closer
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I tried. I can't bring myself to say anything when someone answers. I'll end up killing myself one day so it may as well be sooner rather than later. I'm sorry for posting all this crap here. I just have nowhere else I am able to reach out to right now. I could phone my CPN if she's around tomorrow. I don't want to feel like this. I'm so desperate and I know that it's useless trying to talk to anyone because there is no solution for this pain other than death. I'm feeling like I might end up going out and doing something risky but I actually probably won't. I can't be seen outside by anyone.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-11-2017, 08:30 PM   #342
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If you are feeling unsafe please try to phone someone.

Phoning your cpn tomorrow is a good idea. It sounds like you need to talk to someone.

I’m glad you are talking here too, but I think you need help in real life very soon too. Please reach out.





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Old 06-11-2017, 08:38 PM   #343
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I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. It's not fair that I'm posting here. I should either get on with suicide or be brave enough to talk to a professional over the phone. I probably sound so pathetic. I really hate myself. I'm sorry. I'll survive.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-11-2017, 08:44 PM   #344
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You don’t sound pathetic. You sound like you are in distress and needing help.

Please try and be brave and phone someone. Help is out there and you are deserving and need it.





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Old 06-11-2017, 09:43 PM   #345
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Oh God I am sick of myself. Calmed down a bit. Sorry for the drama.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-11-2017, 09:55 PM   #346
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Lindsay, i think you are right in the observation that this will never just disappear and never be back. I am trying to realise right now that my darkness will never truly let go of me, and it is hard and devastating. But it doesn't mean it will take up all the space in our lives. I do believe with a bit of support and a firm but gentle push forward, your life could improve and the darkness could lift for periods of time. And who knows??? Maybe there would be longer and longer between these periods??? Maybe they could be long enough that you would gather enough strentgh to better cope with the bad times??? It's certainly not impossible.

I think we all fear the unknown to some degree. But fears can be worked to overcome in the right setting. Sometimes we got to ask ourselves if we dare to pursue a better life. I think deep down you actually want a different life, a more fulfilling life. You're just scared about the consequences in pursuing this. That is where the baby steps come to their right. You don't have to cross all the rivers at once.

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Old 06-11-2017, 10:27 PM   #347
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Thanks Kat. It's hard to imagine anything being different because things have been like this for a while. I have to remember that there is still a possibility that things will change. When I get to crisis points/very suicidal I can see nothing else. This is probably one of the crisis points I have come out of more quickly (within hours) and I can look back with a clearer head and see what complete hell I was in but that it did pass. I never learn though. The next time I get to a crisis point it will be the be all and end all, even if someone points out to me that I have been there before and got through it. It's hard because at the time it feels never ending and sometimes crisis points do last for a considerably long time and I can't predict when I'll start to feel a bit more stable. It's scary. I genuinely think I have only just realised how unstable my emotions are from what I went through tonight. I don't have highs or anything, just neutral emotions and major crisis points. I can't find a way to self soothe and my fear of phoning people leaves me in a dangerous situation at time. For anyone who doesn't have BPD it probably looks really weird/suspicious that a couple of hours ago I was on the brink of suicide and now I'm doing ok. I can't even explain what it's like.

I am very scared to change anything in a direction that 'normal' people would consider moving forward because I have been in employment before and it made me more unwell. I can only imagine having to work in a job that I absolutely hate. I know there are smaller steps that I may be allowed to take before I'm forced into work though. My previous psychologist said I need to try things and see what happens and learn from what happens. I should be starting volunteering if I'm given a chance by this organisation after I had to cancel the last meeting because I was in a crisis point. I'm not reliable. I can say all these things right now and believe that I need to try and get things to a better level in my life but who knows how I'll feel even a minute from now. BPD is such a rollercoaster.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-11-2017, 03:04 PM   #348
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Feeling rubbish again, not majorly suicidal though. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow so I probably shouldn't phone her today. My friend wants to meet up later on for me to do her yet another favour. I know she likes me as a friend but she uses me a lot too and I'm finding it hard to deal with social contact at the moment. She changes plans a lot and I find that I need to have things confirmed at least the day before they're due to happen so I can prepare myself for the social contact but my friend springs things on me at the last minute. I can't say I don't want to meet up because she'll take it personally and will say I'm not a good friend.

Life is far too stressful for me and I'm not even doing anything stressful. I can't bear to have more and more days like this. The respite after the storm I had yesterday turned out to be very brief. It's not enough to hold on to. I've had enough.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-11-2017, 03:24 PM   #349
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My friend has again changed the plans so I don't think I'll be meeting up with her today.

I hate living in this fearful life where I'm afraid of what the next minute will bring with regards to my emotions. I feel like I should phone my CPN in the hope that I can maybe prevent a crisis point later on today because I'm not likely to be able to talk to anyone from crisis. I don't know what she could do though, nothing probably. And I should just hold on until I see her tomorrow. Nothing is going to change. I can't continue with this battle. Sorry for posting here loads I just need somewhere to get things out and I need more than posting in the ranting and venting board.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-11-2017, 05:08 PM   #350
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I know what you mean about planning things. I have to prepare myself in advance too for anything social.

Have you tried phoning your cpn?

No need to apologise for posting. You have every right to have this space to express yourself and get support.





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Old 07-11-2017, 07:16 PM   #351
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Thanks. I didn't phone my CPN. During the day I know that I have the option to phone someone who knows me (my CPN or support worker) and often that is enough to keep me going but then it gets to this time and that support is no longer available and I feel very on my own. I don't think my CPN would have been able to do anything to prevent whatever emotions I may end up feeling tonight anyway so there wasn't much point in bothering her. I'll maybe write something to give to her when I see her tomorrow.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-11-2017, 07:26 PM   #352
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Writing it down is a good idea. I hope it helps.

I know what you mean. Nights are worse because there isn’t as much support, so maybe you can come up with a plan to help at those times. Maybe it’s worth talking to your cpn about.





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Old 07-11-2017, 07:33 PM   #353
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Thank you. I'll probably leave the writing till tomorrow as I don't want to unnecessarily trigger myself tonight when I can't get support. I'm not seeing my CPN till the late afternoon anyway so I should have time. I write every day and will just copy some parts of what I have already written without too much thinking involved! Posting here so much yesterday evening really documented my journey, something which I think was helpful to see as I usually write in my diary/blog once a day and whatever happens after I've written is written about the following day from what I remember so posting on RYL shows a more active journey that I don't have to form from memory.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-11-2017, 07:39 PM   #354
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I’m glad posting here helps. And it’s good that you are writing.

I hope your appointment with your cpn goes well.





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Old 07-11-2017, 07:43 PM   #355
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Thanks. I will really miss my CPN. Have at least 2 more appointments left with her before I'm transferred to my new CPN.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-11-2017, 07:47 PM   #356
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Hopefully your new cpn will be good. Maybe it will be good to get a new perspective.





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Old 09-11-2017, 06:01 PM   #357
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How are you doing?



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 09-11-2017, 06:43 PM   #358
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Thanks for asking. I didn't write anything for my CPN but managed to explain some things. I think she heard me well enough but there's nothing anyone can really do. I'm back into the habit of changing my alarm again and again and not getting out of bed until the late morning or afternoon and that is making me feel bad. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up getting up in the morning. I didn't make it to the gym group today because of that. The days seem short enough what with it hardly being light for long and I feel like I'm not really seeing the day.

I think I have shingles too, so does the pharmacist. It's not too bad right now but I'm unsure about some patches on my back which feel like a combination of eczema and shingles. I always have patches of eczema so I know the difference between that and another rash. I didn't show the pharmacist he just asked about my symptoms and said it does sound like shingles. I was only wanting to know if I needed to go to the GP as I don't want to waste their time, the pharmacist said the GP could prescribe me a med but it will clear up on its own so I'm just going to leave it. The pharmacist asked me about my mental health too. It was quite good to talk to him about it, he knows me well since I pick up my prescription daily but I rarely get a chance to properly talk to him. I feel like I need some human connection but not with friends because it's too much to be social right now.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 09-11-2017, 06:48 PM   #359
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I’m sorry you might have shingles. I’ve heard that can be really uncomfortable. I hope it clears up soon.

What helps get you out of bed? Would it be helpful to set a time where you just move into another room, without pressure of doing much else? I know how hard it is to get up. I struggle with it too, so I do sympathise.





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Old 09-11-2017, 08:06 PM   #360
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Thanks. I always have good intentions about getting out of bed but then I feel so tired in the morning and I get up to change my alarm then end up back in bed. I know what I need to force myself to do, it's just that it's not easy to do that forcing. I need to stick with the process of Freaky Alarm rather than deleting the app so it shuts up and I need to go downstairs and lie on the couch for a while if I still feel a bit tired. Stay away from my bedroom for a while. I need to be staying out of bed for a short time at least because that usually makes me feel more awake and able to get on with things. It's so easy to just avoid tired feelings by staying in bed.

The volunteer coordinator who I was supposed to meet up with along with the manager of a housing complex about befriending an older person has emailed and said the person who I was going to befriend has had a change of heart so I'm having to wait until someone else requests a befriender. I'm worried about what my CPN might try to push me into since this is on hold.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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