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Old 10-12-2019, 08:26 PM   #1
damocles23
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
I am currently:
Alone and resentful


It's quite long since it spans about eight years, but I'll try to be brief.

I have this friend that I met in college. My school experience was downright abominable, so I started latching on this new social circle and the first years went well, all things considered. Still, I've had my fair share of faults and my depressions acted up in those years. I have attempted suicide twice and this friend that was sort of "the leader" of the group, was the first person outside of my family that I spoke about this. It was and still is a very touchy subject for me, but, back then, I valued this kindness. The other one stuck with me and I thought the world of him, as well.
Until, years, later, he mocked me for it. He used the most traumatic event of my life to make me feel like shit and then ditched me the moment I tried to call him and at least talk about this stuff. Literally sent me a text where he said "we didn't work out" and basically ghosted me. I've tried to talk to my other friend, the first one, and others of my social circle in the hopes to have at least someone stick with me, and see my side of things, but alas, it didn't work out. Slowly but surely, I was ostracized. The one thing that made me swear off everyone else was the time I saw on Facebook the photo of a graduation party I wasn't invited to. My two former friends were there. I talked with the graduate that basically told me she didn't want to make a fuss, so she called the other guy instead. That was the moment I decided to cut ties with every one of that social circle.
I wanted to give one last chance to my other friend because I thought he was better. He once said to me that he was on my side and we'd still be hanging out. It was a lie: If there was a thing I cared about in the world was watching the new Star Wars movie (It was The Force Awakens, to give you an idea of the time frame) with my friend. They all went to see it on the first day without inviting me...But inviting him.
I talked with the offending friend when he finally tried to make amends a year later, and I accepted his apology, even though, in my heart, things had changed. He left town for another college and I haven't heard from him since. Nor do I want to.
The other one is on thin ice. I didn't forgive him for his cowardice and the fact that he lied to my face, only receiving a half-assed apology. It was like he had no idea why he did me wrong no matter how much I've explained it to him. We are civil to each other, but I don't particularly care for him. I haven't in all the time that happened no matter how many souls searching I did, nor did I forget his indifference. He once said "That's how things work in social circles": I still think it was bullshit.
My first friend, the one that I met, and I are aspiring writers. I've written a few pieces for the theatre, while he works in commercial, and wants to expand to television. Despite involving me in several failed projects (I'm no Hemingway, but every idea he had and insisted on never stuck to the landing, mostly because he's repetitive and trashy. So am I, but in a different way.) he never once tried involving me with the "right crowd", the people that "matter" if you catch my drift. We don't talk much and I try to keep my distances since he feels like a dead end. Until recently: We've started working on a web serial with another writer, and so far it's been miserable. He has no idea how to direct a project, the story is even trashier than before, I feel my creativity constantly stifled, not to mention he's never satisfied with anyone's writing, including his own. I've hated this project ever since it started and I'm trying to finish it as fast as I can. Still, I don't know what I will do after this. If it has success, we may be stuck, working together once again. If it doesn't, I'll be left on my own, while he tries, again and again, leaving me behind.
I have no idea what to do, except wallow in my resentment.

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