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Old 15-09-2016, 06:36 AM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2015
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Found out recently husband has been watching porn...

This argument is going on forever, I can't sleep because I'm thinking about it so much. I've spoken to my husband on numerous occasions about it. Now it's seriously starting to have an affect on our marriage. We are a young and I'd like to think happily married couple with a very recent baby. It doesn't matter how much he tries to explain it to me, I can't be okay with it and now I'm coming to the point where I'm pretending I'm cool with it. It's not all the time but the idea of him satisfying himself to the image other women makes me feel sick. I'm loosing sleep not because of our baby. I clearly have such a huge issue with it and instead of simply stopping, I get an hour rant about how all men watch it. I'm sorry maybe I'm totally out of line for me wanting to be the only woman he looks at. I thought marrying me was part of that. He doesn't seem to realise the problem at all and to be honest after a year free of ED behaviours, it's made me start to feel bad about my body. It's making me feel resentful towards him. I've given my entire life to this man and if it's not such a big deal can't understand why he can't just stop. I know it's not cheating but in my eyes to be totally honest it sort of is.

If I don't get over this asap, I really feel like we're going to start to have some serious issues in our marriage. He tells me it's not the women as such, it's just the sex part of it. Guys or ladies that watch it, I need honest reassuring opinions.

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Old 16-09-2016, 12:04 PM   #2
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Hi, do you think your husband and yourself might consider some relationship counselling to work through this issue? Sometimes having someone there who's trained to direct the communication and perhaps offer some strategies or options you both hadn't thought about before can be really beneficial.

Yes, many men do enjoy porn, and yes, I do agree that it isn't a case wanting to be with the woman in the porn movie but rather just a quick and easy way to indulge in a bit of fantasy and escapism (not from you but just from the typical stresses of life). Many men understand how exaggerated and unrealistic porn is.

What's important here is that it is distressing to you, it doesn't matter what my or other women/men's personal views on porn are. You've also just had a baby which, while joyous, is an incredibly demanding things for a woman's body to go through. It can leave feeling very vulnerable and perhaps that's also fueling these painful feelings for you.

I really would consider the counseling if I were you two, just to have some help navigating this.

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Old 22-09-2016, 12:34 AM   #3
Heartbreak Kid
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^ I think Laura says very wise and sensible things.

How do you feel about relationship counselling?
I think that was a good suggestion.

Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know

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Old 22-09-2016, 01:19 AM   #4
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As a man I would say this. Watching porn is normal because men are very visual in their desires, and I appreciate a lot of women don't get this about us. Personally speaking, I would say it is largely dependent on the sex I would be getting. You mention a recent baby and I understand that this is almost always a period of little or no sex. However, you say you've mentioned it before, so it may come down to sex drive differences, who knows?

I understand your concerns about him looking at this sort of thing but it doesn't mean he wants those women, it's more of a fantasy turn-on in most situations. Counselling would for me, be a massive overreaction, an embarrassment, and something that could and should be sorted out between two people with the necessary calmness and understanding involved. I think most of all - and this goes missing all the time - is that in general, men have much higher sex drives than women, and are sometimes left frustrated. Understanding of that, which is completely natural, is a good place to start in my book.

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Old 22-09-2016, 04:25 AM   #5
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My favorite phrase: That's about as realistic as porn.
^Added on to what he said, from what I've noticed, most men seem to simply use a video as a sort of way to imagine the "vital parts", but very few focus on the women themselves. (or men, idc) During the period of time in which I had sexual desires, I imagined the face of whomever was currently closest to me. (Not physically, relationship) I would imagine that this would be the same for most people, despite whatever errors occurred during my "transformation" which left me completely lacking any sexual desires whatsoever, since at that point in time, I did have the sexual desires of, you know, a normal human being.

Who I appear to be and who I actually am are two entirely different things.

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Old 06-10-2016, 01:27 AM   #6
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Porn can be an addiction.

PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10 or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.

I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.

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Old 07-10-2016, 10:30 AM   #7
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I would argue that to a certain extent, watching porn is normal for both men and women. I know my partner has watched it before, I have no idea if he still does because it wouldn't bother me. I watch porn myself, usually when my partner is out and I want to take care of myself. It doesn't replace sex at all, and I don't even really find the people in porn all that attractive. I don't ever wish that I was sleeping with someone else. My love for my partner is very deep and I am very happy in the relationship, we've been living together for a year, and in a relationship for 4 years.

I think if it is bothering you this much you will need to have relationship counselling so that you both have a neutral space to discuss it with someone impartial who can facilitate that discussion. It may be that by trying to force yourself to be okay with it, you will just create more issues.

Porn can be an addiction, though not everyone who watches it will become addicted. I think yes porn can be a fantasy and an escape and I think it's that element that people get addicted to. It's like mentally checking out in a similar way to gambling or playing video games.

Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.

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