The last few days have been awful. Have been so angry with myself- not losing weight, even though I shouldn't want this; eating feels horrendous- feels like all I do is eat even though I know the calories I'm eating are not adequate to maintain; my partner and I had a disagreement/ misunderstanding about the food I buy and the shopping and I thought he wanted me to buy unhealthy foods that make me panic being around. Today I felt so tired and dizzy and I've been tired all this week and last week because I was sick the week before and then had to work 8 days in a row. Tried to rest without feeling too guilty. Ending up crying and wanting so badly to self-injure. Talked to a friend about how noone seems to see how hard it is for me eating so much more than I was eating and she got angry. I could really use a few kind words because at the moment I just hurt and hurt....
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I feel so lost and alone but I can't let anybody see the monster I am
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
This week has been really hard. Because I worked three nights last weekend (Friday, Saturday and Sunday) and am working tonight and Sunday night my sleeping is all out of whack. I think I've missed some meds according to my levelen/the pill and I'm not sure if this is why my anxiety has been so high lately but it's been pretty bad. I had a conversation with a friend about something really difficult and am finding touch from others really hard and keep jumping at nothing. Eating has been a nightmare- each day feels like just a constant buidup until I have to eat then it all happens again and again. I'm frightened and know that weigh day with my friend is Monday and am so terrified, but if I don't do it I'll be even more frightened. I need to lose this week. I'm sorry- I'm really hurting and scared and could use a few kind words
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks Jessie.
I'm sorry. I just feel so constantly terrified. I think if I could just manage to lose a few kg I would feel better and I know I can't lose too much because I don't want people to notice and I just want to be left alone. I'm at a loss- I don't know what to do anymore because I can't keep living like this
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I think those thoughts about 'just a few more kg' are very common with eating disorders, but rationally it isn't true. No amount of weight loss ever feels like 'enough', the target just gets lower and lower.
If you don't feel like you can keep living like this, that sounds like a good reason to try working with your doctor/dietitian etc and maybe give it a go trying to increase your intake and aiming to try and recover from the ED. Obviously it's not an easy thing to do, but I think maybe there comes a point where we have to stop and think ok, well this is making me feel awful, this is what they are telling me to do, I am the only person who can change what is going on at the moment so I'm going to take that first step.
I lost weight for the first time in weeks. Eating a LOT more than I was, and much, much more. It frightens me and most of the time I want to jump out of my skin and run and run. BUT I've lost weight for the first time in weeks. I know I shouldn't want to; I know I should ring my counsellor and arrange an appointment; I know I should want to see my dietitian and ask how to live a long and healthy life, but I AM eating the number of calories I was told would maintain my weight, but it's not. I knew it wouldn't because I am too active- if I'm not running or walking I do an active job anyway- it takes a lot helping people support their weight, running from client to client; not to mention many of the other hijinks my guys and I get up to. I'm eating healthy so I should be ok? My head says but my heart is screaming no and I want to lie and protect A-Rex because he has helped me lose weight and feels safer than anything else right now. I need to be safe. I don't know. Does anyone have any words? I feel so lost
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
how are you doing dear?
i am feeling so awful myself i have not managed to feel comfortable in a couple of weeks now ad i am so low on words. i can relate A LOT to your last posts i feel like that's exactly where i am too except that i am not managing to lose anymore and it's really hard on my psychologically.
i hope you can get some help and build a support team. hang in there you are so strong <3
Not good Nadine and I don't deserve your kind words- I feel so huge and out of control and I'm frightened if I go to my supports they will want me to stop and even though I know I should I just can't handle hurting or disappointing anyone. I don't see it as even much of a problem- I'm making such a huge fuss when I'm not really sick. I really hope things get easier for you. Do you have support at the moment
Last edited by LittleCloud : 29-01-2015 at 02:40 PM.
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
The disappointment thing is a huge issue for me too. I know that I am struggling but I feel like the pain and disappointment it would cause my loved ones is worse for me. and that terrifies me. because it's not like i am scared for myself, i am just scared for the other ones and how they would feel. how effed up is that???
you are not making a fuss, i am sure. that's just the effed up way our brains work. and i can't even say anything because i am standing at the cliff and there is no way forward here.
i do not have any support. i am just scared shitless.
I'm not worth it. I don't even deserve to be alive. I don't know what I'll do if I haven't lost. I want to ask for support but I don't deserve it
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Thanks lovely. I'll be ok- got a goal and start my running tomorrow. Want to get some kind of a rhythm in my life. Working night shifts is hell but I want to establish times for a morning and/or afternoon run. The goal makes me feel like I can feel safe. Knowing that I weigh myself tomorrow does not make me feel safe- and skipping less so. Having had lots of rubbish food.... lets just say this week I will be stricter. I have to be. It hurts too much
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
Hugs Alannah you are so worth it. You could never disappoint anyone. Please don't do too much I do get how hard it is but doing too much could damage you and you don't deserve to be hurt. Take care x
But I do deserve it and I need to lose this fat. I know how much and nothing will make me stop. I see the dietitian on Wednesday and I feel like I'm wasting their time. I won't take supplements. I won't maintain my weight if I have anything to do with it. I won't be ok until I lose this weight
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I don't know what to do at the moment. I feel like I have very little hope right now. Knowing that I will lose (hopefully) gives me a focus. I can't really see myself finishing anything or doing anything though. I want to reach my goal but the voice inside (and my knowledge of the calories I have consumed) say I will never get there. I know I still want my original goal- made at age 14. I should make an appointment with my counsellor- but don't want to because I'm failing at so much I should be able to do; was happy I dodged a dietitian appointment which apparently is next week instead and know I should see the doctor about my depression and anxiety but don't want to make these contacts until I've lost at least a little more. I feel like I fail at this
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
I don't know. Slowly starting to get my mood up but not running is not helping. Hope I can fix that. Still need to lose. Just a few kgs. I'm far too big for these problems. Feel lost without my running routine
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
