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Old 08-12-2014, 09:37 PM   #41
LittleCloud
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Thanks Maybeline, Marimar- I guess at the moment with trying out what I am doing with eating I'm trying to find that quality but not ready to give up yet on that goal weight- I do feel so much better for the extra food but unable to take the challenge fully. I'm just sort of seeing how I go. Really trying with challenging myself though



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 10-12-2014, 10:18 AM   #42
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The past few days have been long and very tiring. I've had some complicated emotions dealing with the last matters in a family/assault case and today was organised to weigh myself with my friend before a run. It took a lot of energy but I did manage to accept that I haven't lost any weight and even managed to eat quite healthily today and rest after exercise. Still working and I'm mentally exhausted. I think tonight I'm glad that I'm walking home to have that time alone with myself and my music. I hope tomorrow is easier



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 10-12-2014, 07:32 PM   #43
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hope you are doing okay Alanna. haven't been around much, so much going on and not feeling to well about myself so it's hard to read all this too.
i hope tomorrow is easier and i hope you get to relax when you get home tonight. thinking of you x



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Old 12-12-2014, 02:00 AM   #44
LittleCloud
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Thanks so, so much lovely. I'm not sure I deserve such a kind reply. Had a really bad time with panic yesterday and barely got any sleep so I'm exhausted today, but I did still manage my run, a good breakfast and nothing will keep me out of bed when I get home from work



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 13-12-2014, 01:01 PM   #45
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I've reached this weird no-mans land. I am eating more; freaking out a little less; seemingly losing more; feeling quite lost on what I want anymore. I have more energy; I can go running- even twice a day if I want; I can even eat really scary foods like pizza or icecream so long as I know I'm within or close to my calorie limit. I know I'm supposed to want recovery- I know I should want more than this, but even the amount I eat makes me panic sometimes because it's so much more than I was eating... it feels confusing. At least for now it works



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 14-12-2014, 07:15 AM   #46
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Hey Alanna great that you're managing scary food as well, thats great progress. Keep going like that just please keep in mind that it doesn't really pay off if you go and burn it all up running. Exercising 3 times a week and having gantle walks during other days is enough for someone who is not a professional athlete. Maybe you could try and keep in mind how much calories you burned as well, that can give you some explenation why you are still losing, even though you are eating XXX

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Old 14-12-2014, 11:46 AM   #47
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I know this is bad to say, but I'm not ready to stop losing yet. I'm not underweight. I know because I weigh myself a reasonably sensible once a week. I know I do exercise a reasonable amount because I run once a day and walk a fair bit besides but at the moment it helps a lot with the anxiety. I just put my music on my mp3 player and run. I see my dietitian on Wednesday. I need to (and will) ask how much I need to eat to maintain but I'm just not ready to stop yet and at the moment I am still struggling so much with eating enough to maintain. Sometimes I don't know if I'd be safer going back to restricting more but know with the diet change I'd lose weight rapidly if I cut down and that's not really what I want. I feel very stuck- I don't want to get really ill but I'm not ready to give this up and commit to being wholly well either. Today I am exhausted- anxiety last night was huge and I feel drained. The run and work with my favourite peoples has helped but I know I need to rest up when I get home. It's going to be a big week



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 17-12-2014, 09:48 AM   #48
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I feel so hurt and lost I want to cry. I'm angry with myself that the dietitian is happy with what I'm eating. I don't want to maintain and I'm not losing fast enough for my liking. I can't help myself on this one anymore. Been looking up on how to lose faster. I just can't handle being stuck here. Christmas and how manipulative my parents and sister have been is making me feel so uncertain and I feel so sad about the stuff that happened with my sister and law and nephew and not being even able to call at Christmas. I've made two mistakes with starts on my work and feel so frustrated with myself even though I've been trying to do the last couple of things I can do for my nephew and get the house clean. It hurts and I feel so alone



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 18-12-2014, 12:03 AM   #49
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Hugs to you alanna. Sorry you are having such a rough time:(
Seems like your dietitian is wrong. I mean she wants you to maintain or gain? But you are loosing weight so you are not getting what your body needs so she should not be happy with what you are eating. I heard alot of bad stuff when it comes to dietitians and i dont like mine either so try not to let it get to you though its hard.
Yeah christmas sucks:( but at least its over soon.

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Old 18-12-2014, 10:42 AM   #50
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I guess my dietitian is comparatively happy with what I'm eating- it's a balanced diet and a lot better than before. I like my dietitian- she's right. After 16years on and off of restrictive eating there's not much she can tell me that I don't know. She has been working with me to eat more protein which I'm getting up to. I am losing pretty slowly. I feel so frustrated and lost.



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 18-12-2014, 05:29 PM   #51
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I am not sure if i understand what you meant, but its good you are happy with her. Really low on words today. Sorry. I am struggling too, but i hope things will get better for you.

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Old 18-12-2014, 07:58 PM   #52
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Big hugs I'm low on words but thinking of you x

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Old 19-12-2014, 02:05 AM   #53
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Thanks so much to you both <3
Maybeline- my dietitian has said that after near 16 years on and off of restrictive eating I know that what I am doing is harmful and only I can choose when to stop. We've been working on adding protein and other nutrients back into my diet. I still feel crazy scared that my dietitian is happy with the calories and foods I am eating but trying to hold on- the friend I have been running with who reluctantly told me I wasn't eating enough to lose weight said that she won't help unless I stick to her rules with calories because she won't help me hurt myself- that sounds awful her helping with the weightloss, but the amount I'm eating at the moment is more than I've eaten in well over a year on any consistent basis



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 19-12-2014, 07:40 AM   #54
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But if she said she thinks its harmful then she cant be happy with the amount? Maybe she just thinks its better than what you used to eat and therefor "accept" the amount so she doesnt put too much pressure on you?
I think its right of your friend though. It really shows she cares about you and want you to do it the healthy way.
But i think you should try to stop comparing what you eat now to what you used to and instead compare it to what a normal healthy amount would be.
And dont forget to look behind the ed.

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Old 19-12-2014, 01:40 PM   #55
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Yes, she does think it's better and I think you're right that she doesn't pressure me. She doesn't weigh me, which makes me know I'm failing but at the same time at least I don't have to go through the anxiety.



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 20-12-2014, 02:16 PM   #56
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Today has been very bad. Anxiety has been awful and going out to the shops with so many people has made it worse. Earlier in the week I broke the promise to my friend and have been eating less. Not by much, just closer to my body's minimum requirements. The lie makes me feel awful but I need so badly to be small it's like I'm being torn apart from the inside. I am still eating a balanced diet and even challenging myself with new things. It I have two parties in the next two days and feel terrified. I'm scared of the food and terrified others will see. I crave my original impossible goal so badly



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 20-12-2014, 07:10 PM   #57
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I am sorry alanna. I was out to shop today as well. Hated it too.
Is it christmas related dinners? Theres no way you can cancel maybe just one of them?
Dont feel bad about lying. Its not really your fault, it just comes along with the ed. But know in your heart its not good for you that you are eating less. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can...hugs

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Old 21-12-2014, 09:26 AM   #58
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I don't want to cancel. Feel very triggered after one but I coped ok and I know I shouldn't feel as bad as I should because I'm still under my calorie goal. I know I should be past this but I can't. I need to cut back but I have a full day's work tomorrow and a Christmas dinner to get through. I know logically it won't be too much- that I won't gain but it's going to take all my strength not to restrict during the day



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 21-12-2014, 11:01 AM   #59
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Its good that you coped ok;)
It is indeed very hard. Remember one dinner wont really change a thing. And its all the ed talking. Though its hard.
What are your thoughts and feelings about recovery now?

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Old 21-12-2014, 12:10 PM   #60
LittleCloud
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I won't lose though and that scares me so much. I'm not ready for recovery and it's not really any problem. I don't feel safe and I won't be until I'm small. I'm disgusting I'm sorry



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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