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Old 10-03-2019, 01:39 PM   #1
nonperson
 
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Not enough...

Just need to get this out. Thoughts have been going round and round in my head for a while now... Writing it down might help.

I don't belong. Anywhere. I always feel like the odd one out... Not social enough, not interesting enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not motivated enough, not ambitious enough, not sick enough, not good enough. I interact with more people here online than in real life... and even then it's distant, I still don't fit anywhere. I have no advice to offer, no similar experiences, nothing that means I should be here.

It's not a competition, I know, but everything I do, everything I am, isn't good enough. Or maybe it's the opposite - nothing is bad enough. I don't cut deep enough, I don't have a diagnosis, I've never been to A&E for self harm, I've never been hospitalised, I'm not on medication... I feel like a fraud, like I'm making it up and don't deserve to be here. Why can't I stop seeing things this way, that the more extreme the actions, the more extreme the mental pain...? But I'm not going to get myself help so why does it matter... I'm not destroying myself to that extent so that must mean things aren't bad... but that then just enforces the thoughts that I'm faking all this somehow.

But I look at my many scars and cuts sometimes and think what a stranger would think... and they'd think I was fucked up and in need of help. That thought should be the validation I apparently need. But that word, validation, sounds horrible and attention seeking to me and that is not what I want.

I don't know what I want. I don't think writing this out has made things clearer in my head at all... It makes me sound like an idiot stuck on a loop. People have it much worse so I should stop being ungrateful and self-obsessed and kick myself out of this funk... because that's all it is. It's nothing...


(Sorry for posting this... I don't know if I want comments or advice or just someone to just read and give me a slap...)

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Old 10-03-2019, 05:53 PM   #2
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I can relate to not feeling as though you belong anywhere. It's like feeling like you're made of a different substance, almost. That's how I experience it anyway.

I know you said you weren't sure if you wanted any replies or anything. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want, please do feel free to ignore this, but aside from a slap (which I definitely don't think you need or deserve), what do you think you need right now that you could maybe give yourself or somebody else could give you? From the outside, it sounds like some kindness is needed.

Keep posting here if it helps untangle things at all... No need to answer my question if you don't want to.

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Old 10-03-2019, 06:09 PM   #3
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Not many words right now but just wanted to say I am totally familiar with feeling like you've made it up/are faking it/like it's not that bad so why does it matter? And with wanting someone to validate that yes, it does, but feeling conflicted over that too.

I don't know that I have any good answers on how to handle them, but they aren't fair or accurate and you do deserve to feel settled and happy and if you don't, if you're feeling bad enough to doubt how bad you're actually feeling, it is a real thing.

No idea whether that makes any sense but yeah.
*leaves hugs*





It's a long way down
On this rollercoaster.



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Old 10-03-2019, 06:38 PM   #4
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Thanks for the replies.

Soft Kitty, the comment is very welcome, I toyed with posting in R/V but decided against so don't be sorry.

Yes it is exactly like that, being made of a different substance. But then that makes me think it's a bit egotistical (not sure if that's the right word) to think that because I'm making myself sound different to everyone else... which isn't the case. Or is it?

I still think a slap is what I need. I'm not sure about kindness... I'm just watching tv and doing nothing much and have allowed myself to have nice food today... so I suppose that is being kind to myself. There's no one else to give me kindness irl. I struggle with kindess vs pity though...


Eska, thank you for taking the time to comment, I know you're having a tough time yourself right now. I remember your other thread about the making-it-up feelings so I know you understand. I don't really expect anyone to have answers but what you said makes me realise, yet again, that I am probably in some sort of denial about the reality of my situation...

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Old 10-03-2019, 07:29 PM   #5
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I'm sorry you feel confused and like you don't belong anywhere. I can relate to this too. There isn't any real way to compare personal emotional pain, and you are in pain no matter if you aren't showing it in some external ways that other people do or that you don't have a diagnosis. Pain is pain. You are human and you are hurting, we are all human and we all hurt. I think we all also need validation, and that's not attention seeking. It's having someone realise how much you are hurting and that you deserve to feel better. I realise you are hurting and you also totally deserve to feel better. I get that it's really hard to reach out for support in real life as such. I get what you mean about feeling different but then question whether that means you feel you are something 'special/unique' from others, from what you have said I definitely don't believe that you are trying to be egotistical. Feeling different is that, a feeling, and all personal feelings are valid and important. I think a lot of people feel different in similar and different ways to how you experience it.

I hope you can work out a way to move in a direction that is useful for you and allows you to get support and feel better. You are important.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 10-03-2019, 07:40 PM   #6
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Thanks Lindsay. Wise words as usual there.

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Old 11-03-2019, 07:55 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nonperson View Post
Just need to get this out. Thoughts have been going round and round in my head for a while now... Writing it down might help.

I don't belong. Anywhere. I always feel like the odd one out... Not social enough, not interesting enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not motivated enough, not ambitious enough, not sick enough, not good enough. I interact with more people here online than in real life... and even then it's distant, I still don't fit anywhere. I have no advice to offer, no similar experiences, nothing that means I should be here.



I think most people think/feel like that. Very often the people who "seem" to fit in the best are the ones most desperate to do so. The harder they try they worse they can feel (a reason so many celebs and high achievers often have troubles)

One thing that can make things worse, is a person(s) who had a habit of always putting you down. Resenting and being upset by that sort of thing opens the door to the subconscious where the suggestions drive the intellect. The more you struggle with them the worse they can get.

Thoughts can cause upsets and then the upsets cause more thoughts. In truth, a person stuck in this loop isn't thinking at all. They have become an extension of their thoughts/feelings and nit vice versa. That is all a problem of conditioning. The trick is to develop the skill to recognize the nature of the problem and learning to just observe the taunts and temptations without being for or against them.

You just want a "yeah yeah I hear you and don't care" attitude. See the lure for what is it and dont fall down the well. In time the lures get weaker and easier to dismiss for the traps they are.

Its also a folly to ever think there is such a thing as achieving belonging in any social sense. The more real and solid a person you become, the less interesting you become to the mob. You wont give off "the heat" of someone eager to play the reflection game.

The only place you really being is "in the moment" and centered in awareness. If you get caught-up struggling with the past and present, and trying to juggle the conditioned loop of negative thoughts/feelings you'll go through life falling into pits you didn't see. Not that you can avoid all of those but you can avoid more of them while seeing more opportunities as well



"Not all those who wander are lost" Tolkien

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Old 12-03-2019, 06:44 PM   #8
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I know it's a common feeling and one that a lot of the people you describe wouldn't admit or realise they're doing. It's not about those desperate sort of people really though, it's more that everyone else just seems more comfortable with themselves. And although I know that's probably not the case, there are still plenty of people who are fine with themselves, their abilities, their place... I probably give that impression myself but it's all a cover up.

The person that puts me down is me. Don't think there's really anyone else involved in causing these thoughts/feelings.

As for the Don't Care attitude, I'm now thinking of my work situation where I've been told the same thing but it also applies to all the general thoughts that go round in my head. It's not that easy just to switch it off and not care.

As for being in the moment, when I stop and be in the moment all I feel is sadness and pointlessness.

I know it's all folly...

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Old 17-03-2019, 09:35 PM   #9
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Don't know how to deal with this sadness. I feel frozen. And so so SO sad. So much weight on my shoulders and so many expectations and... and and and… I don't know.

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Old 18-03-2019, 03:32 PM   #10
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*hugs if ok* Sadness, plus feeling frozen, plus weight on your shoulders, must be overwhelming and very very heavy. How are you feeling today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 18-03-2019, 07:34 PM   #11
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Thanks Lindsay.

Today was ok-ish. Didn't have to be responsible for anyone but myself so that helped. Had a group training session and just wanted to run away... too many people in too small a space.

I dunno, I just feel like I'm on the verge of who knows what, like at any moment I could tip off the edge.

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Old 18-03-2019, 07:49 PM   #12
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It does kind of sound like you're feeling very on the edge, what with feeling like you need to escape and having so much emotional pressure that it's hard to stay balanced. I know that feeling. Is there anything that might help you to take steps away from the edge, onto more solid ground?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 18-03-2019, 08:30 PM   #13
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Not really... I can't stop work or take holiday for a while... and I have no one to help me with things or do things for me.

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Old 20-03-2019, 03:02 PM   #14
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What stops you from reaching out, even just to you GP for a chat about how things are for you right now?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 20-03-2019, 07:09 PM   #15
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I don't know. Because I'd feel ridiculous, I think. I don't want someone to tell me that I need help? I don't want someone to make it real. Or they might turn around and say that there's nothing they can do and I just need to suck it up.

My supervisor told me today that I appear much happier than when she first knew me. That either makes me feel like I really am hiding it well or that maybe what I'm feeling isn't actually real at all.

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Old 20-03-2019, 08:00 PM   #16
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Why do you doubt yourself so much? You are the one who is experiencing all of this and I'm sure you know yourself well enough to understand how much things are affecting you. It's easy to put on a face in front of other people so they assume everything is ok. I understand not wanting things to be confirmed or denied by someone else though. Do you think there are things that you could do with some support with, if there was a way you could ask for help?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 20-03-2019, 10:02 PM   #17
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I don't know why I doubt myself so much... I just wonder whether it is worth getting help for or if the real solution is to stop being a pessimist and change my attitude about everything. Like, maybe it is as simple as having a positive mental attitude or something... Everyone says it's your outlook that determines your happiness, nothing else.

I'm not sure what support would be useful. I spoke to my supervisor about work stuff that affects me so she's going to help with that at least.

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Old 21-03-2019, 07:42 PM   #18
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I think for some people positive thinking can work, but if negative thinking is ingrained and you feel low then that can be difficult. If it was as easy as that I'm sure you would have managed it by now. I think it would be worth at least talking to someone about things. They might start by offering lower level stuff like online CBT, have you tried that before? I'm glad you managed to speak to your supervisor about work stuff. It's ok to ask for help in other areas of your life too. You don't need to suffer alone if there are things other people can help you with.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 21-03-2019, 07:53 PM   #19
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I haven't tried any online stuff and I did some sort of CBT (I think?) with a counsellor many years ago. I can't remember if it was useful but she was actually the one counsellor I have seen who did seem to help at that time.

I dunno. I know this is something I always end up going round and round with about seeking help but I think I actually need to be at a real desperate stage for that to happen.

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Old 21-03-2019, 07:57 PM   #20
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With counselling the important part often seems to be the relationship you have with the counsellor rather than the type of therapy I've found anyway. What led you to see the counsellor before? I know that it must be hard to reach out, I know that my brother has similar views that things aren't 'bad enough' to seek help. But what is 'a real desperate stage' to you? And wouldn't it be better to try and get help to avoid getting to that stage? I know these are just words and they probably do make sense to you but taking the actions is much harder, I appreciate that.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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