Losing control

[Faye]

I really never thought I'd be back on RYL. I was over three years free until last week. My grandad died a month ago, and I'm really not coping well. I've been on antidepressants for months but now they aren't working. I'm crying every day. Even when I can see some positive, my brain won't let me be happy. I feel like every day is a struggle just to survive, and every little conversation or movement feels like I'm using up all the energy I have left. I don't know if this is what a breakdown is, but I know I can't carry on this way. I cut last week and it brought back the feelings I had lost. The pain was refreshing. I'm writing this now because my urges are so strong and I've lost all my control.
Don't know what to do with myself tonight.

[FranticMind]

Hey Faye.

Can you try and distract yourself by watching a film/having a bath etc?
im sorry that you're having a hard time right now, leaving lots of cuddles for you.

[kbeth]

I'm sorry about your grandfather, and that you're having a hard time. That's a big accomplishment to be free for 3 years. Even though you feel bad now, you still have those three years of learning new ways to think and cope. I know that feels far away sometimes, but it's still there inside you. You're still that person who held on through all the urges you had during those 3 years.

I don't know if this would help, but have you thought about what your granddad would say to you if you could talk to him right now? There's someone I've lost, and I sometimes write letters to her when I'm feeling bad.

[Faye]

Thanks guys.

I've never thought of writing a letter but that sounds like a good idea, thank you.
I don't know how I'm going to explain my cuts to my boyfriend. He has no idea I'm like this now. I hate myself.