I am scared.

[Auror.]

I am scared that being dead will have to become a Thing. I have been asking my therapist how to stop it from turning into a Thing but she says she has no good answer.

She has emailed me and said I need to email her and basically contract for safety, and if I do not she will have to reach out to my emergency contact and/or emergency services.

I am trying to be honest. It is not a Thing yet. I do not have a plan or intent yet. But I am scared because I feel like that is inevitable, and she knows the deadline too. But she is also going out of town again which means she is not really available until the deadline will have passed and that is when I see her next.

I have been trying to prioritize safety. Which means other things are not happening because I would not be able to do them and stay safe. But the inaction from not doing those things is going to cause this to become a Thing by default. I just do not know when. Probably soon.

I am scared. I do not want it to turn into a Thing and I want to figure out how to deal with things without falling apart and ending up in hospital. I tried asking for help but my therapist does not know what to say because she says there is not an answer.

Fuck. I do not know what to do. I tried being honest. I tried asking for help. But nobody has answers or knows how to stop it.

[Cpt_Stunning]

Is it death that you're scared of?

We all die one day, I may die tomorrow, or live for decades, I do enjoy life but knowing that I will die one day plays on my mind far too much, it affects my life.

Friends & family think I'm depressed, but I'm not, I've never been depressed, I just feel scared about the fact that my life will be over one day, & not knowing what happens after.

It is difficult, because I probably look depressed.

[Sketchy]

This all sounds very distressing. I'm sorry your therapist is unable to give you answers. Do you have someone else you can talk to? Keep reaching out.

It might be an idea for you to be around people as much as possible, to keep you safe and distracted.

I wish I had better ideas and could be of help, but I am thinking of you and wishing things get better soon.
Take care.

[Cpt_Stunning]

It is difficult, when you mention about prioritizing safety.

I have to go to work & that involves me leaving the house waiting for a bus, & there are cars whizzing by, accidents do happen. I'm mostly scared of being badly injured, it does happen.

But if I don't go to work for fear of being knocked over & stay in all day every day I lose my job no money.

I feel scared too, you're not alone.

[Auror.]

I do not understand. Does this mean being dead is okay? I am sorry I do not have better words to explain. My therapist just keeps saying that the number one priority is safety. I do not know. Sorry.

[HopeRises]

Prioritising safety is a good thing but if there is stuff your not doing to be somewhat 'safe' and by not doing them that going to harm you then that isn't good. Can you say anymore about what that is? Why you feel unable to do those things?

Can you think of other things that will keep you safer? Maybe around the deadline could you stay with someone?

Ultimately the only person with the answers are you and you have always gotten through wanting and needing to be dead before so hold on to that because it shows you can get through it again and you are doing the right thing by reaching out for support.

[Sketchy]

Being dead is not ok. It's a very final thing and you deserve to have a full life.

Do you know what will keep you safe? Would being around people or distractions help? When your therapist says safety is your priority, i think they may mean not acting on these thoughts you are having. To keep safe and alive.

Keep remembering that , as distressing as this is, it will pass. Things can get better.

[Auror.]

I am unsure how to explain well. Everything is all jumbled up. I had to go to work today and it was awful. I had my ear plugs in as much as I could. I have not been able to sleep. I cannot stop panicking.

I sent the emails about the thing to my therapist because I am too scared to read them. She said they are good and that they do not mean I need to be dead but I am unsure because I think she is against being dead in general.

She just said to do normal things as much as possible and then I had to promise to get in touch with my friend and/or emergency services if I could not keep myself safe or alive because she said if I do not know how to not be dead then I need to get help with it. She says that I will not spontaneously just be dead and there are a lot of choices and things that have to occur for it to be a thing and that she can tell I am trying to do what she says and trying to stay safe. She also says being overwhelmed will not hurt you.

She brought up finding someone to stay with but I do not know of anyone or anywhere that I could also bring my dog and even though I feel unsafe at my new apartment I feel safer when I am with my dog. And I am still meant to be going to work and stuff.

I am sorry. I am trying to explain I just am having trouble with words. I am scared. I feel like I have been about to have a meltdown all day.

[poptart542]

Well, we all die. I suppose it's a scary thought but i like to believe there is something in the end. It's crazy that we even exist to begin with and we are energy and energy doesn't just die. It's all down to belief and everyone is different. You will not just drop down and the chances of you getting killed out on the street are extremely small. It's just so very unlikely. Just try to be aware of what is going on around you. I hope you are not thinking of suicide? It's hard to understand what you mean about it being a thing and how to not be dead?

Is there any way that you can take some holidays from work for the next little bit so that you can get a little peace to try to sort things out? I take a few days off every month, like 3 and then add my days off and that gives me 5. That way i don't have the stress of work.

If we all keep living in fear about things, we won't be living our lives. A lot of people say to live in the moment. It's very hard to do. No thinking of the past, no thinking of the future, just the present moment. We're blessed with being able to look ahead, to create scenarios, which is a good thing but also a curse because you can create all these things in your head, loads of worries about whats going to happen.

I routinely create crazy scenarios in my head, sometimes i think about death as well like that but it won't happen. If it was to, i don't mind. I find it a little torturous on this little planet, it's difficult isn't it? But i like a challenge and we get one shot so why not? Maybe when i die, it'll be something better. This planet is very hard to live on and a lot of people have a hard time. You've got to get a lifestyle you feel comfortable with. I like the idea of no stress. My job isn't stressful but getting to work is so i will change that by moving closer. You could think of some ways you can make things easier for yourself. You do not need to make these changes now but have a few ideas for the time ahead. What you'd feel more comfortable with.

I think you need to try to speak to friends/family and spend more time with your dog. Even just take days off work. The thing is, you'll spend all this time worrying and thinking about this and you'll end up passing away when you're in your 90s or something but i do understand why you are feeling this way. Is there anything that usually helps you before you feel like you're going to have a breakdown? Anything that has helped in this past?

And can you clarify wether you are worried about death from outside sources or yourself? I know its difficult to explain. I'll bookmark this post and come read it in a bit :)

[Cpt_Stunning]

we all learn about death from a very young age, even movies with a U rating have people dying, look at Star Wars, & know that we will too die one day, & most people growing up will attend funerals, even maybe of people younger than them.

But for some reason, most people can go through life without it bothering them. I know I can't, I used to but I developed anxiety disorder. & one thing that I do suffer from is an overwhelming fear of death.

[tiptoes]

Sometimes when things feel like an inevitable it is hard to see past them but I promise you, there is a future where this is your only course of action. There is a future when you can be happy and not feel like this, you need to survive.

Is there anything in particular that is driving your timeframe, I wonder whether there are anythings you can do to push it back. When I am in a similar space I try to find reasons and excuses that I can give the thought to delay them week by week, day by day, hour by hour if I need. Passing the time safely is the only priority.

It sounds like your therapist is helpful, do you think you could put off whatever you have in mind until she is back and you can speak to her in person?

[Auror.]

I am unsure I understand some of the replies. Sorry. It is hard to understand lots of words right now. Things are still jumbled.

My therapist says the things that had the deadline do not have to be things anymore. They were school things and she wrote me an email to send to the professor. I sent the email but am too scared to read the reply so I sent it to my therapist and to my friend. They both said that the things do not have to be done and the deadline does not have to occur.

This is what she says -
"The papers don't need to be a thing and that's good.

Being safe means not self harming and not killing yourself.

I hope you are able to go to work today and do your normal Friday things. The crisis you worried about (the papers) isn't happening, so I hope your anxiety will come down."

I feel like it still has to be a Thing? Like I am unsure how to make it not be a Thing now because I have said it and it has turned into a Thing not just a potential thing and now if nothing happens I have made a giant deal of this and to my therapist and she will know I am full of shit.

I think I am meant to see her on Monday. But work scheduled me for then. My supervisor is not happy because I told him that. He said to ask someone to switch so I did but they did not reply. He said to just leave early but he is not happy because it means he has to close and he has other things he needs to be doing.

I feel like a horrible creature thing. I am trying to be safe. My therapist is gone this weekend. She said she has gone to visit a good friend and is going to go see a concert. She says it is very good and that she did not die on the airplane and made it there.

I am sorry for not having right words.

[tiptoes]

You don't have to apologise for not having the right words, or not understanding things.

It sounds like the email from uni was positive. It sounds like whatever it was it was causing you a lot of distress so I am glad that you don't need to worry about it now.

I don't think that your therapist will think anything bad now that the deadline is not a thing anymore. I think she will be glad that a source of great distress for you is passed or delayed. It doesn't make you full of shit. She we have seen your pain and be happy that is lessened.

Could you write a list of reasons why the thing no longer has to be a thing? It really does not.

It must be a relief to know that your therapist traveled safely, it was kind of her to let you know that. I struggle with people traveling so I understand how hard things can be.

I'm proud of your for trying to be safe, is there anything we can do to help you this weekend?

[Cpt_Stunning]

never apologise, it can be difficult to find the right words to describe how you feel.

[Auror.]

I do not understand how the school things can just not be a thing though. Like I do not understand how that is allowed or okay.

I am unsure why being dead does not have to be a Thing now. I still feel like it does. The only thing I can thing of is the deadline is sort of not a thing anymore? I am unsure. Like. I get that since I am not 100% sure that it is necessary maybe it should not be a Thing? But now I feel like it is also sort of too late to stop it.

I do not know for the weekend. Normally I work. But I do not have work this weekend because we are closed. So that I think is going to make staying safe harder? Having things like work makes it easier to break time down into more manageable chunks, and it also gives me a reason to stay safe (and eat) - i.e. cannot be dead or non functional or do things that require medical attention because have to work. But that is not possible so I am really unsure.

I feel bad emailing my therapist again because she said she is super excited to be visiting her friend and going to a concert so I do not want to bother her with stupid woe and such.

[tiptoes]

Do you think that you will be able to read the email yourself now that you have been told the rough content of it? It might cover why the things are no longer things. If not is there a member of staff that you would feel comfortable talking to in order to find out the details.

I think if there is any tiny part of you that has doubts you should grab hold of them with all of your might. It is never too late to stop it.

I understand what you mean about work making it a little easier to stay safe. Are there any ways to replicate this over the weekend? Do you have any friends/family members you could arrange to contact periodically over the weekend to give yourself some accountability? Could you make some plans for the weekend to give yourself a bit of structure? It doesn't have to be anything major going for a walk or going for a coffee or something.

[Auror.]

I tried to read it because I have the feeling I need to reply. But I started panicking again. My friend says it explains that I did well on the other assignments so they just do not have to be a thing. But I do not understand how that is allowed or how they can do that or why I do not have to make things up somehow. It is making me super anxious because I feel like I probably am meant to reply. But I feel so guilty about it and I cannot read the email without starting to panic. Like I thing I need to be dead because it was not okay to do that and I feel very guilty and manipulative. I want to ask my therapist if you can be dead from guilt but I am afraid to bother her. She says that being overwhelmed will not hurt you and you cannot die from it. But I am unsure if guilt is similar. I feel like I should be dead. I feel so guilty and like a horrible creature thing (I would say human but we never determined for sure if I am a human or not.).

I really think if I could self harm that might help. But my therapist said self harm is also not allowed and falls into staying safe. I do not know what else to do. I have one plan for being dead that I keep going back to that I *think* might be effective if I could actually make it feasible. Which is iffy but I think is possible. It would just not be super pleasant. I feel like it might be worth trying but I also do not know because if it fails that would be problematic. Or if I try and then I panic and cannot do it that might also be problematic.

Most of my friends are online friends or friends from treatment and live in other cities. I have a couple of coworkers I get on with but we never much talk or do things outside of work. I had dinner with my mother tonight (we do every Friday, she insists on it). But that is all she ever insists on doing and I find being with her very triggering. So I am hoping to avoid her the rest of the weekend.

I am unsure about plans. I could maybe try to go for a coffee both days because I do usually do that. But that is not really anything that requires a set time or doing? If that makes any sense?

I am really unsure. Monday seems too far away to not be dead for.

[Auror.]

I am unsure what to do. I need to acquire the things and do the plan. Now. I tried texting my friend because I am unsure if I am meant to contact them first or not but it is 3am.

There is food in me. I did not take laxatives because I am meant to work tomorrow. The stabbing pain is back.

My therapist never replied to my emails and it looks like she cancelled my appointment anyways.

The half flailing half shudder involuntary thing because I need out of this body is occurring. I need the body parts gone and I need out. But I do not want to be dead in this body. I also cannot exist in this body.

I was going to self harm. I had my tools out but they worked differently on the body parts when i tested it and I knew I was going to have to self harm the way my therapist and friend say is not allowed. And I kind of did not want to ruin over a year of not self harming.

I am trying to follow my therapists rules but I am unsure what to do now? I think I need to get the things and be dead. Like. Now. But I am unsure how to do that given it is 3 something am and I am unsure it even matters. Fuck.

Does anyone know what I am meant to do?

[Auror.]

Been trying to postpone buying the things. Limited my access to money. But it still feels necessary now.

Been trying to sleep but not happening. Went through all my distractions possible with things jumbled.

Unsure? It feels necessary. But I do not want to break my therapists rules.

[Auror.]

I do not how to make it not feel like it has to be aThing though.

It stormed so I panicked and could not go anywhere.

My therapist never emailed me so now I am unsure if I am meant to see her. She may have died.

I think I have to get ready for work soon. But that means going out which means maybe I can acquire the things. It feels like that is how it is meant to be.

I am so tired and I do not know if I can keep doing this.