I hate crumbling.

Fire Fly · 17-07-2019, 10:09 PM

I just feel so sad. It’s like I try so dam hard to put things into place to prevent me getting low but I think that literally I have nothing. I hate how it feels that the one close friend I had I’ve lost. I see her on social media so happy and I feel alone. I really feel it lately and like she treated me really bad but that was fine until I said something.

I just feel so sad that I’m struggling with this time of year and it seems I always get low now and I want to be able to move on but I trapped with anniversaries. I feel as if I will never move on like I want to soooo badly.

My partner keeps cycling in his mood. Jumping from mania to dysthymia. I can’t support him and also put myself first. I can’t juggle this and I am crumbling and I feel I have no one to talk to anymore. I feel like I’m fighting a constant internal battle that I’m gradually losing. I want to self harm so much. I haven’t felt like this since this time last year I’m so angry I feel like this!

Stellata · 18-07-2019, 08:26 AM

You're going through a lot, try not to be so down on yourself. You deserve kindness not anger.

Buttons. · 19-07-2019, 07:28 AM

Considering all you are going through I think you are doing incredibly well to cope despite the fact that it's a struggle.

Fire Fly · 26-07-2019, 11:14 PM

Sorry for the late reply. I have been reading but it’s so hard to plod along and pretend nothing is wrong. I just can’t keep going anymore. It’s so difficult.

one_step_closer · 02-08-2019, 03:51 PM

Do you have to pretend that nothing is wrong, or is there someone you could turn to? You have a lot to deal with, with your own health and your partner's and you deserve some support.

Fire Fly · 05-08-2019, 10:02 AM

Ultimately I don’t want to appear weak because then it shows how I actually feel that I can’t cope. I just feeling that everything is hard. I wake up so tearful, I go to sleep tearful. I just think things are getting harder.

I literally don’t have anyone anymore. The only friend I had doesn’t want to know me anymore. She was amazing but then she started to threaten suicide to me and then she didn’t want to talk about anything other than feeling crap and shot. There’s more to friendship then how you are ultimately feeling. And I couldn’t deal with the constant ness of her. I just felt I was carer.

I do feel alone and I actually hate feeling like this. People say I’m depressed but am I depressed if I don’t feel suicidal that I’m going to kill myself? I just fed so down and hopeless and just think it would be better without me.

one_step_closer · 08-08-2019, 07:29 PM

Would you consider phoning the CMHT to see if you could get some support? It's not weak to need help at all. Maybe getting some help would mean you felt better able to cope and like you didn't have to pretend any more.

Depression is tough whether you feel suicidal or not, being suicidal isn't a 'must' to mean that you have depression and need some support. You are obviously hurting and I'd hope that someone could be there for you.