Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - reliving the past *graphic*

quiet1 · 18-12-2009, 12:15 AM

why this week? why now?his hands are on me as i try to be asleep. i am giving all of the signals to give up. stop trying. i am not interested. he won't stop. now what? i don't want to. i can't. please don't. no. don't touch. eyes are still closed. pretending to be asleep. if he thinks i am asleep he'll stop. he's not stopping. my legs. no. don't. i keep them closed. he knows i am awake. i try to keep them closed. he is stronger than me. stop please. don't. i don't want to. i am not your dirty little whore. i can't stop him. i guess i am a dirty little whore.
cant. need to feel real. zoned out bad. feel like i am trying to look through everything. no one else gets it.
want to bleed. feel real. feel now.

Casca · 18-12-2009, 05:28 AM

*hug*

Hun, I understand your pain. It is hard to get away from your past even though it has already happened. No matter how far it is, it still happened and that is what makes it so hard to get away. What you have to do is tell yourself that the past is in the past...it affects you...but look towards the future, and things will look up.

Take care, and if you need to talk, feel free to PM me anytime.

_Mer

quiet1 · 21-12-2009, 01:01 AM

I just wanted to come here and say thank you and I'm sorry. I didn't remember posting this. I was so out of it then. The best I could say is my memory seemed real at that moment. Like I was experiencing it all over again.

I have never talked about it before and that just came out. It has taken lots of therapy to be verbal with my emotions again; hell, to even cry again. I hope I didn't hurt anyone or trigger anyone. That wasn't my intention.

I don't have many ways to bring myself back from that place. Does anyone have any suggestions? It's ok if you don't. Don't want to put anyone out.

~quiet1

sapphire hearts · 23-12-2009, 08:11 PM

*hugs* Don't apologise for posting hun, thats' what this forum is for. I'm so sorry that happened to you; maybe, if you've never talked about it before, this shows that it's time to try talking about it? You're not a whore hun, he did it to you, you obviously didn't want it. What happened was not your fault.

I tend to become extremely dissociative as well, the best ways I have to come out of it is to find something that wasn't physically present at the time - ice works well because it gives you a physical sensation as well - and try and focus on that instead. Focusing on something other than the flashback can interrupt the sequence and help you get back to the present.

If you ever want to talk, about this or anything else, I am always here, so PM me, okay?

Love
Katie x

quiet1 · 23-12-2009, 09:42 PM

thank you for the helpful tip. i will try that if i find myself in that situation again. i hope i don't. actually i was at my psych today and he prescribed a med that is a sedative for me to take if i get overwhelmed like that. we'll see how it works.

i am so skeptical of meds. anyways...i will keep an open mind about talking about some things. for some reason my mouth will not say certain things that i know i should. its like i have a physical block against it. like my mouth will not let the words go. they get trapped inside and then i get annoyed with myself that i couldn't just say it.

well. it helps to much to know that you are there and that you read my post and were willing to help a bit.