Loss of support system

[Juella]

Hello everyone. It's me whining again. I apologize in advance.


My best friend is moving away to another country in a couple of months and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. It is made worse by the fact I only found out about it by accident, when one of my friend's students metioned it in front of me and my friend was forced to explain himself later. Apparently, he either didn't plan to tell me until the last moment, or at all. He had already been to the country in question for the last three weeks, looking for job and housing opportunities. You know, those three weeks when I was calling him every day and trying to reach him via every form of communication and getting no response. He was also supposed to get in touch with me for unrelated reasons like a day into his trip, but oh well, he forgot. The whole situation makes me think he isn't really interested in keeping in touch with me after he moves away.


Without him, I have no support system and not much of a social life. My family is dysfunctional and my relationship with my mother is limited to calling each other on birthdays and on Christmas, and I have no contact with the rest of the family. I also only have one more person I could call a friend, but he isn't a "call for help when you're suicidal" kind of a friend, he is a "call to go out for beer and chips" kind of a friend, if you know what I mean. A couple more casual acquaintances (I am sure I somehow misspelled this, apologies), and that's it, that's my entire social circle. Even since two years ago my friend group disintegrated after a very traumatic incident with a person I called my best friend at the time, I tried to make some new social connections, with very little success. I find myself unable to feel any genuine connection to others, and socializing with anyone except for a couple of my friends makes me feel even more lonely, because I am forced to constantly put on a fake persona, otherwise all social interactions come to a screeching halt. It doesn't help that I spent the entire two years on a low level of functioning due to mental health problems in general, repeatedly sectioned, with no potential for improvement in sight. At this point making new genuine frienships with anyone feels impossible.


I don't know how to cope with this. I am not too bad at being alone. But this is...I don't know...too alone, even for me.
I'm sorry for making it so long. Shame on me. Thanks for reading.

[tiptoes]

It sounds like there are two connected issues here. The loss of your friend and a general lack of support

Do you think you could talk to your friend about how hurt you feel about their move? It must have been so difficult to find out the way you did. Good friendships can survive the distance but you need to be on the same page.

It must be hard having limited people to lean on, especially when it is family that arent there. Do you have any hobbies or are there any hobbies you would like to take up? They can be good places to meet like minded people. Making friends as grownups can be difficult sometimes we have to start engineering situations where you might meet people... I know this is easier said than done.

[Juella]

Thank you for a reply. I appreciate it. Also, everyone who bothered to read and leave a hug - thank you, I appreciate that too.


I don't really have any hobbies and I haven't in a while, probably since I got back into self-harm and my mental health began to go downhill around 2015. The concept of getting a hobby feels overwhelming. I can hardly find energy and motivation to get through my job and daily chores. I know it would help me get a social life, or at least give me a chance to try, but I can't really think of anything I could do. And I am too emotionally shaken up for a hobby at the moment.



I did talk to my friend. It wasn't good at all. He pretty much confirmed he couldn't care less about my feelings. I tried to explain that I'm upset about him leaving because we were friends for 10 years and he is my only real friend, and I'm going to miss him and I wish he told me about it beforehand. His only response was "You aren't going to tell anyone, are you? You aren't supposed to know anything. This is none of your business". But that's not all. When I explained that I am going to find it hard to keep working without him because we were working together and were sort of a team since day one, he told me I don't need to worry, because he is currently going out of his way to get our workplace shut down before he leaves. Because he is really mad at the management, and hates most people at work. I asked him what about the people that did absolutely nothing to wrong him that are all going to lose their jobs, and his response was "I am too angry, I've been hurt one too many times, nothing you say is going to change my mind". At this point I just wrapped up a conversation and left, shocked and numb.
I feel like I already lost him, and I feel betrayed. I know he's been angry for a long time and has a pretty sour relationship with most people at work, although if I'd be 100% honest, most of the time he was the one to stir up his endless conflicts with everyone. I guess I should've seen this coming, because his behaviour was growing increasingly more agressive, uncaring and bitter for quite a while. But throughout all of this, I was trying my absolute best to support him in any way I can, to stand up for him and always take his side. And now he is willing to mess up my entire life as a collateral damage to get back at people that hurt him. Even if his plan doesn't work out, I don't think our friendship is going to survive this. And I don't even want to think about his plan working out, because that would not only leave me with no support system, but also no means of survival.


I am wrecked. I am making suicide plans. Can't cope with this.

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Your friend sounds like he is only focusing on himself at the moment. Do you think he might respond differently if you wrote him a letter, since he could re-read it and reflect on it? I know that doesn't change the bigger situation though. My friend moved to another country and I've missed her but managed to get on with things, we text and have met up once this year.

What kind of professional support, if any, do you have? I am terrible at social contact but I go to a gym group with a support worker and that has helped me make some connections. I met my friend who moved away during a walking event with an OT. Would you feel able to do some supported group activities?

I know all of this feels so huge right now but please try and stop making suicide plans. That's not the answer. You are hurting so much but I believe you can get through this. Keep posting if it helps. Take care.

[Juella]

Thank you for your kind replies, everyone


Jinxie, you are making perfect sense, thank you for your kind and wise words.



one_step_closer, a letter is actually a great idea. Back in the day, in the early days of our friendship, we used to exchange emails whenever either of us would come up with an important topic to talk about. It would be easier to explain myself this way without other people barging in/calling in the middle of the conversation, like it repeatedly happened already, and without worrying about breaking the weird secrecy my friend is creating around the whole thing. I'm a little worried my email will only make him annoyed, but if things will get really sour, I might try it, and maybe it will work.


I do receive professional support, but, as I learned from these forums, when it comes to professional support options are very limited where I live, compared to, say, UK. I have a psychiatrist assigned to me that is also somewhat like my care coordinator. I am currently not in therapy, and am not planning to enroll in it anytime soon, because I tend to just get dropped by state-funded therapists on the basis of being "non-cooperative", and I don't have the funds for private therapy. I am not entitled to receive help from a social worker as long as I have living relatives capable of supporting me, regardless of whether they are willing to support me or not, and there are no other services that visit mental health patients outside of the hospital and/or help them with their daily life where I live. So I can't really rely on that.


In terms of connecting to other people through hobbies, I am somewhat limited physically, so I can't do sports, camping or anything that relies on physical activity. And even my old interests like engineering and creative writing are largely solitary activities. I never really participated in any kind of group activities. Except for imbibing ungodly amounts of alcohol - now that I think about it, that's how I bonded with every single friend I ever had. Wow, I am such a role model.


I know I can survive this. In fact, my ability to survive everything including accidents, ilnesses and suicide attempts suggest I must've been bitten by a radioactive cockroach as a baby. It's just that surviving takes effort, and I'm struggling to find any motivation to put that effort in instead of taking the easy way out, as my quality of life keeps declining.


Anyway, thank you for your replies. Now I feel better, and even entertained a thought of just going to the bar and getting drunk next time I feel like killing myself. I probably wouldn't do it, though, because going to a bar can only get me screwed, literally or figuratively.

[one_step_closer]

Are there no creative writing groups at all in your area? I know it's really hard to do things in a group setting but having a focus to the group can sometimes make it easier.

I'm sorry you don't have the support that you need right now. Are there any charitable organisations at all who could offer you something?

I know how exhausting simple survival can be a lot of the time but please do your best to keep going. If you were to give up on life but keep existing I think it would be a far worse life.

[Juella]

Jinxie, I used to write all sort of things. Fanfiction, poetry, short stories, novels (I never finished a novel though). But it was all trash. I posted some stuff online, and the harsh criticizm I received discouraged me from posting it online and, eventually, from writing at all.
As for engineering, when Arduino home automation systems were brand new and kits were expensive, I used to make my own circuit boards, basically out of trash. Then I did a lot of soldering, coding and then ran around excited like an idiot because after a two months work I can turn off the lights in my room with my smartphone if I plug the lights into the really ugly thingie I made. It didn't last for a long time, though. I couldn't be trusted to have chemicals and a soldering iron in my place and my friend insisted I give them away. I kept coding for a while, but eventually lost interest in the whole thing.


one_step_closer, I'm not sure about writing groups. We used to have one, but it no one there was over 21. If I join it would be creepy. I also don't think there are any mental health charities around.


I feel like the whole thing with giving up on life has already happened. Like, I gave up on life about 2 years ago, I just continue to exist.

[one_step_closer]

I know the feeling of just existing, I'm sorry that's where you feel you've been for the past couple of years. It is possible to feel like you're living again, I'm sure, but I know it can be hard to find a way to reach that place. There is a website called meetup that has groups on it, it might be worth a look if your area is included on there.

[Juella]

Thank you for your reply.


I'm sorry, but things are very hard right now. I'm in pain and I really really want to just give up.

[one_step_closer]

You don't need to apologise for your pain, I'm sorry things continue to be so difficult. Can we/anyone else do anything for you at the moment? Please don't give up.

[Juella]

Thank you for the reply. I appreciate the offer of help. It matters.


I actually did write the letter and sent it, because I was on a verge of taking my life. It really helped, both with expressing my feelings at the moment, and also I got a reply, and me and my friend were able to talk things out a bit. He didn't seem as angry as he did at first, and we were able to have a constructive dialog, and he told me he still cares about me, even though he can't promise he'll keep in touch.


I'd really appreciate a friendly advice on letting go of someone who is a very significant part of your life without crashing and burning. I really don't know how to go about it in a non-self-destructive way. Although, I understand that possibly there is nothing that I can do other than accept that I will have to get used to feeling empty and lonely most of the time, and just try distractions and other safery measures when I feel a really strong SH or suicide urge.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad the letter helped a bit. Would you continue to write about your feelings, even just for yourself without sending a letter if you're not going to get a reply, so that you can get things out a bit in a safe way?

What makes you feel self destructive when you are going through this? It's a time to be kind to yourself rather than causing yourself more hurt although I know that can be difficult.

[Juella]

I thought about continuing to write the letters to him after he leaves, just to get things off my chest and make me feel less alone. I'm not sure if I should send them and not expect a reply, or not send them at all. I know if I don't put them out somewhere and they will just hang in my "drafts" folder it will probably reming me of being alone the more unsent letters are there, but I considered putting them out somewhere safe, like this forum's R/V thread for example.


I guess self-destruction is my default, knee-jerk reaction to any strong emotion that doesn't pass for a while and that I don't know how to deal with. It comes so naturally that I even SHed at work just because I was really hungry and didn't have time to get food and eat. And being kind to myself instead seems like a bit of an abstract concept. Even my doubts on whether I deserve that aside, I don't really know what it means to be "kind to myself".

[one_step_closer]

Putting the letters in your R/V or sending them if you think it would be useful sounds like a good idea.

It sounds like you harm yourself to avoid emotions/difficult experiences. I guess when you're feeling those difficult things some soothing would be better rather than harming yourself. If you self harmed at work because you were hungry and didn't have the time to get something to eat, maybe you could have actually used that period when you were self harming to get something to eat. I know maybe it wasn't possible because you would have had to go out or something but I'm meaning that using the times when you would have self harmed to do something that lessens the emotion/feeling in a natural way would be much better. If you could plan things so you have techniques in mind for emergencies that would be good, even like with the hungry thing just making sure you bring some snacks with you before you go out that could help. You do deserve kindness from yourself and from others and I'm sorry you're not sure of that.

[Juella]

My best friend is leaving this Saturday morning. After that, I will probably never see him face to face again.
I am trying to seem positive, because now I know he was reluctant to tell me before because he was afraid it will send me in a mental health crysis. But, to be honest, I am not positive at all. I don't know how to process it. It's scary. He's the only person in this world I trust. He's the only person in this world who cares.
I'm so tired of things only getting worse.
I wish I didn't have to be alive and go to work and function next week. And the week after. And all the other weeks that await me. I'm exhausted and I'm going nowhere anyway. I want out so much.

[Zurg]

I don't see a reason why you can't have that same level of trust and care with someone else in the future. I know it's not much consolation right now but the things he did give you and showed you are going to stay with you even if he is leaving and they will become part of who you are.

Please don't give up hope. He isn't the last friend you will make. Potentially great and close friends are waiting out there but you have to stay alive in order to meet them.

While things are so hard, do you have some support to lean on apart from this place???

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry that you feel like things just keep getting worse, that's an awful feeling to have. This is a really hard time for you right now so please try and be kind to yourself. Who else is in your life, even just on the sidelines at the moment?

[Juella]

I guess I get the feeling that I will never have anyone else as close as he was to me is because I have never had a positive relationship like that before I met him. I didn't have any friends at all until I went to college, and he was the first person I befriended there, I met pretty much everyone else through him. Taking in account that I'm 27 and I have even more issues than I had in my teenage years, I don't think making friends would be any easier than it was in high school, and in high school it was pretty damn impossible for me.


I don't really have any support other than this site. Which is why I keep complaining here, even though I am so insignificant, and so are my issues. I have some professional support, but not at a level where I can just talk about things that make me sad with professionals, if it makes any sense. And there aren't any personal relationships I can potentially lean on.


As for who else is in my life... I have a roommate. I tried to talk to him last night. Then the conversation went something like this: "Oh, that probably really sucks for you. You are going to be quite upset for a while now? - Yeah, I guess so. - Oh, okay. Goodnight" - and he went to sleep. I also have coworkers I am on okay terms with, but they aren't supposed to know yet. There's also my mom, but we don't talk. And that's pretty much it.

[one_step_closer]

You and your issues are not insignificant at all, you are so hard on yourself. I'm sorry there aren't people there for you in a significant way. I'm also sorry I have nothing useful to add at the moment but please keep posting if it even helps a little to communicate things here.

[Juella]

Thank you for your reply anyway. It means a lot to know somebody "hears" me when it comes to my feelings and things that matter to me, even if it's through a forum. Kind of reminds me I am a real human being.