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Old 10-12-2017, 04:36 PM   #41
milomushi
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I'm not feeling very well today. I did look into the acceptance commitment therapy and I think that I did it in an outpatient program I went to a few years ago. Definitely worth looking into further. Thank you for the suggestion. I do have a phone check in with my therapist. When I first started with her I mentioned that previous therapists were available by phone only when I was having a hard time witch is rarely. She said she does not do that and to utilize the crisis team if necessary. I mentioned this to her recently and she said that I won her over. Now she is willing to check in daily if I need to. I don't feel that there are any in betweens with work. I talked to Human Resources and have to fill out paper work for leave. Also they have been using my paid time off going into the negative. I am up to borrowing time at 25 hours and can go as far as 40 hours. I asked them to stop because if I do quit because of my illness I will owe them the money. I don't have any ideas for distractions for today.

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Old 10-12-2017, 05:49 PM   #42
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Have you spoken to your therapist yet? Is there anyone who is more able to advise you about what your options are with work, a disability specialist of some kind? I think with distractions it's about trying things again and again if they have worked in the past in the hope that something will be useful in the present. If it helps to talk keep posting here. There is also the games arcade and fun and distractions board if you think they would be useful distractions.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-12-2017, 07:13 PM   #43
milomushi
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I used to like the games but my newer laptop does not let them run. All of the med increases are finally taking affect I think. I still feel depressed, anxious and suicidal but drugged, seriously drugged. Still scheduled for work on Tuesday.

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Old 10-12-2017, 08:12 PM   #44
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Are there other websites where you can get games to run? Maybe miniclip.com? It's hard to get to the right level with medication but hopefully with time the side effects will lessen and you'll begin to feel a bit less drowsy. Keep an eye on your feelings and side effects and discuss them with someone if they're becoming problematic. How are you feeling about going to work on Tuesday?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-12-2017, 12:02 AM   #45
milomushi
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I'm quite alert now. Anxious and suicidal. Not feeling great about work but at this point I feel like it is sink or swim. Right now I feel like video games are keeping me alive. I am playing old school stuff. I took the PRN to stop the thoughts and I guess that it is helping a little. Hopefully I will go to bed early as in soon.

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Old 11-12-2017, 03:47 PM   #46
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If games and PRN are helping you get through then keep using them, use the PRN wisely of course. Is there anything you can do to prepare yourself for going back to work so it hopefully is less stressful than you imagine it will be?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-12-2017, 12:47 AM   #47
milomushi
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I had a really rough day but still moving forward and seeing 5 clients tomorrow. We will see.

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Old 12-12-2017, 02:02 PM   #48
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Good luck with everything. I hope it's not too much for you and you can settle into a pattern that works for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-12-2017, 10:35 AM   #49
milomushi
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just got back from another hospital admission.

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Old 28-12-2017, 11:51 AM   #50
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Sorry to hear you've been struggling again. How are things now?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 29-12-2017, 12:29 AM   #51
milomushi
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I'm feeling OK having left the hospital yesterday but it really seems too soon to tell. I have an intake for a partial hospitalization program in two weeks. I don't know if I am going to wait and attend or try to go back to work instead. I guess that I just need to give myself a break for a few days and see where I'm at. I don't know what else to say at the moment.

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Old 29-12-2017, 06:42 PM   #52
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It does take a little while to settle back at home after coming out of hospital, and it can be difficult to judge how you're going to feel in the longer term. I hope you can give yourself that break and see what you think about the partial hospitalisation program. It must have been suggested because people think it could be helpful for you.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-12-2017, 07:24 PM   #53
milomushi
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I still want to kill myself, just not today.

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Old 31-12-2017, 11:43 AM   #54
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I understand that feeling, it's not nice. Do you know what is making life so difficult for you to bear right now?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-12-2017, 01:17 PM   #55
milomushi
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This is my destiny. I feel like I am just delaying the inevitable. I'm tired of being anxious and depressed. I'm tired of trying to distract myself every minute to keep suicidal feelings at bay. I'm tired of them adding med after med and doubling and tripling doses. I'm tired.


Last edited by milomushi : 31-12-2017 at 01:35 PM.
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Old 31-12-2017, 04:14 PM   #56
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Yes, it's so painful. I don't think this is your destiny though. Have you had better times in the past?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-12-2017, 09:24 PM   #57
milomushi
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I realized that looking at the ages/dates that I have been sick for half of my lifetime. Some times are better: not hospitalization after hospitalization but fighting all of the way. Like I said, I am tired. I guess that the biggest issue is how much it is affecting my work right now. I have been out for almost 6 weeks now aside from trying to work one day before going back into the hospital. My clients are calling and it is not really my responsibility to respond to them but my supervisor is not doing a good job of informing people and they keep calling and asking why I did not show up. I am on family medical leave so they cannot fire me but I am not being paid leaving me with a serious financial issue. I am supposed to go to a partial hospitalization program- basically intensive outpatient. It does not start for another week so that means another three weeks off of work. I do feel like I need it. I know that I have said in previous posts that I am done but this is not entirely true. I am still fighting. Inpatient I created a list of 20 ways to be kind to myself and yesterday simplified it and created a spreadsheet to document which ones I am completing daily. I don't just go to therapy to talk anymore and want to put the work in. I am just frustrated beyond normal stress and if I am triggered I don't know that I can control urges. I did have contraband in my car and told them at the hospital so I was discharged on the day that I have therapy so that I could turn it over to my therapist reducing the temptation. I can't imagine my life without work and I can't even remember where I was at with clients. It is like I am in a different world. I wish that partial would start sooner. Thanks for listening. I often feel like I don't deserve people's kindness.

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Old 04-01-2018, 03:00 PM   #58
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Sorry it's taken a while for me to reply to this, I really wanted to multiple times but have been struggling a bit personally. How are things now? I know what it feels like to have had health problems for half of your lifetime, it's just over that with me. It's like it's my identity a lot of the time and things revolve around how well or unwell I am. Fighting yourself just to get through each day is very tiring, I wish you could have some respite at least to build up your strength. It sounds like you are trying so hard and I hope you're managing to do the things on your list of ways to be kind to yourself.

If a client phones you do you have to answer? Could you let them leave a message and then pass the message on to your supervisor for them to deal with it? I know it's not ideal. I hope you can attend the partial hospitalisation program and get some positive things from it. Hopefully it will put you in a better frame of mind and you can get back to work if that's what is best for your health.

You definitely deserve kindness. I'm sorry I don't really have great suggestions but I hope you at least feel heard.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-01-2018, 03:46 PM   #59
milomushi
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You have been so kind to post these replies. It has been a huge help to be heard. I hope you know how much it means. The work issue is that my clients have not been well informed and half of them are still expecting me to show up. My agency has been doing a very poor job of informing my clients and I feel like I have to call them all myself and explain despite the fact that it will be very difficult for me but then I don't have to worry about it for the next few weeks. I have decided to definitely go to the partial program as I am still really struggling. I feel like nothing has changed and one of the meds needs to be switched out completely not just increased. I will advocate for this at the program. I asked my therapist yesterday how long this has been really bad based on her notes. I have been in crisis for the last two months and l just don't know what else to do.

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Old 04-01-2018, 03:55 PM   #60
one_step_closer
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That's a hard burden on you, is there no way a bulk email or letter or something could be sent out to inform all your clients? Being in a crisis point for 2 months must be draining and making you feel quite hopeless. Good luck at the program.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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