I feel more lost, stupid, unsuccessful, and overall a worse person now than ever.
I am 20 years old and I never felt like there is a worse time in my life than now. I have severe ADHD with some Aspergers, I currently live with my parents and have no job, my brain and body feel much weaker than it did since I was 18, I rarely leave the house and I just feel like an overall loser.
Let's begin with my ADHD and Aspergers. Ever since I was young my ADHD has affected my life so much to the point I feel mentally disabled at times. I do not know my IQ but I have a feeling it would be at least in the double digits and I also wouldn't be surprised if I was close if not disabled for a low IQ. I remember when I was in school I would have such a hard time focusing in class that I almost forget everything that the lecture had and sometimes when I was studying on a study guide I would not remember a large portion of what the unit was about. I feel like I just was never meant to learn anything nor do I have an ability to learn. I never correct my mistakes because I felt like I could truly learn from them. For example, when I was younger my parents forced me into a swim team despite the fact that my motor skills are horrible and I wasn't meant to be an athlete. They just wanted me to be active or to go outside of the house. I remember almost if not every time I did the breaststroke I would DQ because I would mess something up. I thought I wouldn't do it the next time but I always messed something up. I just think that some people can never learn and understand from there mistakes even if they actively try doing so. I am just too stupid to learn from anything and do not understand how to learn from failure. I don understand how can I learn from something. Lastly, I also cannot stop comparing myself to other people. Maybe I live on the internet all day but this goes back to I cannot stop doing my mistakes. I feel like I am self-aware of my problems I just can never feel like I can fix them.
I also have Aspergers as well. This does not affect me as much but it does still affect me a lot if not it is possibly getting worse. I feel like my social skills are getting worse since last year since I do not leave the house very often. I don't have many people I am friends with although this has gotten better over the past 2 years. Sometimes I get the feeling when I do communicate with other people and I have messed up on something socially people think I am an asshole because I might be doing something wrong. Lastly, I just feel like I could never get to have sex because I am too autistic. I just do not understand relationships at all. I almost feel like I am almost an incel because I personally think the reason why Women date men is because of how successful they are.
I live with my parents and I just don't know what I want to do. I only graduated high school and I dropped out of community college because of how much I was failing classes. I am too scared to get a job and also I am afraid to get one because it could impact my mental health even more. I don't know what job I could even do besides some shitty retail job because of my high school degree. I understand those jobs are short term but I feel like that I never really could find what I want to do in life. I am afraid I could never leave my parents and I have to feed off their money for the rest of my life. I am currently at a career college where it helps the slightly-mildly autistic to get a job. I have no idea what I want to do. I'm sure at this point they are convincing us that even dying in a Chinese sweatshop is a job and that's good. I thought about something from home that I can do since I have the internet but IDK what jobs I can do from home. I feel like in today's day and age the amount of ways someone can make money especially in America is a bit overwhelming to the point where I do not know where I should go. I always feel like working some sort of 9-5 job in a professional setting wouldn't work for me and I feel like 9-5s are an outdated concept too. It just feels like people around me only think of jobs/careers as a typical job that doesn't have much to it.
My body and brain feel overall weaker. This is a more recent problem that is getting worse for me. I feel like I do not have the same energy that I had about 2 years ago. When I was 18 or even 19 my body felt better and I could think more clearly. Now I am 20 (I turn 21 in march) and I have gained a lot more weight and my brain has felt weaker than it was in 2017 and 2018. When I first graduated high school I weigh around X pounds and I felt amazing. Ever since then I gained so much more weight. I think I could be eating less but I been trying to work out lately. I feel like my problem-solving skills and my focus have been impacted the most. My ADHD has gotten worse but I am trying to exercise and meditate to make sure it isn't as much as a problem. My problem-solving skills have gotten worse because of the fact I do not understand how I can work my way out of the rough time I been having. It also has gotten worse due to the fact I feel like there could be so many solutions and I do not understand what is the right one for feeling better. a lot of this could be because of my weight gain or the fact that I eat lots of junk food.
I rarely leave the house mostly because of my social anxiety. I just feel too comfortable at home to the point it is driving me insane. I really do nothing at home and I just need more structure outside of my house. I do not feel like I want to get a job outside of my house though because I feel like it would be something that would require more discipline and the fact I can sometimes be inconsistent with my sleep. I have been thinking about going out to a local card shop to play the Pokemon TCG at a local card shop, but I do not plan to play that until I have a decent income so I can afford cards and save money for later. Either way, I just do not know where I want to go.
I overall feel that I am an overall loser that doesn't know what I want to do in life. pls, help I just want to feel better again.
TLDR: I have felt like a loser ever since last year and I just want to feel and be more successful in life.
Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 17-02-2020 at 02:22 PM.
Reason: removed weight numbers.