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Old 08-12-2020, 07:53 PM   #21
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Is there a way to ask for a new one? I don't know how all that works, sorry.

Ugh. I'm so frustrated for you. This isn't okay, you need and deserve support.



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Old 09-12-2020, 03:42 AM   #22
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I’m doing everything (well prob not everything cos who ever does everything?), but everything to make this better but the intrusive thoughts are so strong. I’m not distressed (apart from the thoughts), sleep is a bit fucked cos of them too, but otherwise I’m exercising, no other self harm, socialising, distracting, meds, forcing myself to eat healthy etc etc

Sat on the sofa crying, that stupid heavy but silent crying.....I don’t want to die. I have things I want and I’m so close to achieving all of them but thoughts and images are too strong. And I’ve told them, and I’ve asked for support and asked for help to manage. But I’m genuinely scared this is going to be my last Christmas. Which is fucking ridiculous! Given how suicidal I’ve been over the years and now I’m not at all but there’s this THING controlling my thoughts and I hate it but I genuinely can’t control it, I promise I’ve tried. Tonight I used Christmas and new year as an excuse to request extra of the medication to stockpile that literally nearly killed me. I mean I can’t take it off repeats cos I legit need it for heart purposes. I don’t know what to do. I’ve reached out to services, uni have reached out. My friend contacted them after a severe cutting incident a few weeks ago.

None of my family or friends know about last week. Nobody knows and what’s the point of telling them? Knowing would just make them feel more hopeless. I’m advocating as hard as I can for myself. I genuinely think this is my last Christmas and I’m so upset and so angry and I know ultimately it will be my choice but is it a choice if there are no or limited options?





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Old 09-12-2020, 03:44 AM   #23
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Sorry, probably not being clear, just proper streaming tears/crying. Hard to see the screen properly and on my phone.





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Old 09-12-2020, 04:33 AM   #24
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you make sense. sorry again for not having better words but at least want you to get a reply. <3



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Old 09-12-2020, 02:46 PM   #25
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Thank you, I took prn and went to sleep. So tired today.





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Old 15-12-2020, 11:29 PM   #26
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What, you were super-ill so they took your CPN away??

It doesn’t fix a damn thing but I’m so sorry that you’re having such a rough time and being so unsupported with it.

Is there a GP who could be involved in re-referring you to the CMHT and pushing for some help?

I’m hoping the thought of coming off your AP had passed- remember when we saw Avenue Q and there were some Bad Idea Bears who encouraged the lead puppet to make poor life choices? Sounds like you’ve got some of your own Bad Idea Bears here!



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Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
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Old 22-12-2020, 10:18 PM   #27
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*super hugs you* <3



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Old 27-12-2020, 11:57 PM   #28
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How are things going for you?



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Old 24-01-2021, 02:42 AM   #29
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Sorry to bump. I’m tired. I’ve had the flu which prob explains that. But this is my crisis period. I’m managing and proud of that. But also massively on edge.





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Old 24-01-2021, 02:50 AM   #30
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I am sorry to hear things are so hard.
Very well done for managing!

Do you have any support for things?



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Old 24-01-2021, 02:55 AM   #31
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And yes Jenna- we loves the bad idea bears!!!

But troll brain also loves them. And I can rationalise it but doesn’t really help right now.

And yeah....was proper poorly and got sectioned first on a 135 and then on a 2. Can’t explain many details On public board.

Also have a new psych. New psych is disagreeing with the SRS BSNS psychologist lead who runs PD serves world wide and prior to that knew me for four years and said Bipolar and trauma but EUPD was not applicable and the ‘treatment’ would be a waste of everyone’s time. New psych is also disagreeing with old CC, last two outpatient psychs and three inpatient psychs and saying it’s all la EUPD. Which I wouldn’t mind, if It met the criteria or explained things. But it doesn’t.

Psych is arguing I have a history of being impulsive with spending, which I do. When manic...and I said that to her and she said ‘so you’ve stuck to your budget for Christmas shopping’. I said not entirely but mostly and that’s probably the same as most people. Her response? ‘So you don’t deny over spending?’

I asked how my high mood fit, for example flying to different countries so the Pope could bless me and purge my sin. And the months where I don’t sleep etc. She said after a few days I don’t speak so fast so doesn’t count as pressure of speech. Me, psychologist, CCs all queried this but psych said she’s a bipolar expert. She said I self harm. Pointed out can be years between incidences but she said even years is still ‘recurring’. She said I had abandonment issues. I asked for an example (out of everything this is the one I most strongly disagree with), and she said I’d put in a complaint about being discharged which demonstrated abandonment issues. I’m genuinely not sure how to continue to challenge this given my previous challenge was used as evidence for abandonment issues!





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Old 24-01-2021, 02:56 AM   #32
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Thanks for replying Lana. Is much appreciated- I was in the process of my epic rant so missed this initially x





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Old 24-01-2021, 02:59 AM   #33
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That sounds super stressful an annoying to have to deal with.
How frustrating that you can't even challenge their views without it being used against you to confirm their bias *rolls eyes*



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Old 24-01-2021, 03:07 AM   #34
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Thanks, appreciate your reply ��. I think it would be easier if I could debate it face to face. Even (la shock!) crisis team have challenged it and pushed for more monitoring, as did intensive care staff and psych liaison when I was there and my GP.
In a really awkward position because occupational health are saying I need support to complete my final year, as is GP but this douche bag psych has literally said I have a PD as well as bipolar and therefore DBT is the treatment, despite what all the people are saying (and I actually fought to try it and did for eight months) and it was not helpful.





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Old 24-01-2021, 03:21 AM   #35
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Honestly, all of that makes me so angry because as someone who has the BPD diagnosis none of what they want would be helpful to me. I get that there's standard treatment for certain things etc, but surely they need to focus more on what actually helps you managing your symptoms rather than what type of acronym they are gonna attach to your file.

Do you think you could try and reason with them by telling them that whatever your diagnosis is, x is what you find helpful and y is what you don't find helpful?
Like, c'mon, if somebody finds a certain form of therapy/intervention/support more effective than others the label should be of secondary importance at best. I get that it probably has to do with funding etc. But still, there should be some room for common sense even in the NHS.



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Old 24-01-2021, 03:33 AM   #36
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Thanks for your reply ��. Actually really helps to know I’m not being super unreasonable.

I’ve challenged the letter she sent to my GP and it’s slightly better now but also still really inaccurate so need to challenge again. I’m not sure who to go through now. I think might be PALS but that process is long and I need support before the 6-12months that will take. This psych used to be my consultant 11 years ago but I requested to change because of similar attitude issues. Was ok and never requested a change from the psychs I had between that and last year. Then my consultant retired and I was transferred back to Dr J and the issues started again. I’ve requested a transfer and was declined. I think maybe I need to request again but in writing.

I’ve never had these issues before with a single doctor outside this one. She had five different people assess me for dbt. Four, including the lead said it wasn’t appropriate and neither the therapist or the diagnosis fit. Lead then left as she’s setting up an intensive support service for people with EUPD around the country. Psych referred again- two psychologists also declined as inappropriate but she referred again and this one psychologist agreed. It’s an absolute
Joke!!!





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Old 24-01-2021, 03:36 AM   #37
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I still tried it for eight months including the group element. New psych said although I attended every session and did all the work and also discussed things ‘as you should’, that she got the feeling I didn’t fully engage and for that reason it didn’t end up being helpful for me. I asked what more I could do to demonstrate engagement and she told me ‘it’s not about specifics’.
So I have no fucking clue!

I asked to be referred to CAT therapy to address the historical issues that may effect my mood and also for a CC to monitor my mood and medication in the interim.





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Old 24-01-2021, 08:11 PM   #38
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*hugs you*



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Old 30-01-2021, 11:41 PM   #39
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Oh my goodness why do some professionals have to be so utterly ridiculous. I'm so sorry you've got some lawless maverick with an agenda as your psych =-/

I don't know what to say because it sounds like you have done all of the right things and that almost every other professional agrees with you which I guess is validating for you, if not exactly helpful since she's in charge. Are there any alternatives to her, if you were to formally request that she is no longer in charge of your care?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 06-02-2021, 10:25 PM   #40
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how are you feeling now?



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Am I a failure from birth
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